Talking About Sex and Dating With Your Teens
Many parents plan to talk about sex with their children but somehow just never manage to bring up the subject. The reality is, your child will learn about sex, either from you, or from someone else. The following are some pointers to help make the discussion easier.
- Clearly communicate your values and expectations about sex and. Explain your values in a caring, yet firm way and look for opportunities to repeat the message. Setting high standards based on your personal values and those of your faith community will make an impression that facts and figures alone cannot make. Tell your children what you believe they are capable of; their actions will often rise to meet your expectations.
- Make sure your actions match your words. It is important to model positive relationships and healthy habits, not just talk about them. Your child will respect your opinions and advice the most if you are a good role model.
- Encourage open communication about sex at a young age. Talking about sex, puberty and relationships will be easier if you begin early and continue communicating as your child matures. Start using the correct names for body parts and answering basic questions such as “Where do babies come from?” as simply and honestly as possible at a young age. Keep communication open by initiating conversations about sex and relationships as the topics arise in the media or with friends and family.
- Be accessible, approachable and willing to listen. Showing respect for your child by listening is a good way to open up communication. If you make a habit of listening to your child and inquiring about the “little things” like school, friends and activities, your child will be more likely to come to you with questions and concerns about sex and other tough issues. Honest answers build a foundation for your child to see you as the resource for sexual information in the future.
- Make information available. Have adolescent-friendly books, videos and pamphlets around the house for your children to review when they choose. Remember, the less you push, the more likely they are to seek out answers to their questions.
- Be involved in your child’s school. Do you know what your children are learning about sex in school? Find out when presentations on sex and related topics will be given at your child’s school and ask for information about the presentation, or to review the material that will be used. If you don’t feel this information is appropriate, find a healthy, positive alternative curriculum and encourage the instructor and administration to use it. Remember, you are the authority in your child’s life, especially concerning values, including sexuality.
- Remember that sex is good and hormones are real. Curiosity about sex will not go away if it is never discussed. In fact, avoiding the subject can make sex seem even more mysterious and exciting. Be sure to balance discussions by talking about the positive aspects of sex within marriage as well as the responsibilities that come with it.
- Point out the positive. There is a direct link between low self-esteem and high-risk behaviors such as drug use, early sexual involvement, and other self-destructive behaviors. Compliment your children when they are doing what is right and help them set positive goals for the future. Help your children build self-esteem based on character, unique talents and positive accomplishments. Make sure to show your appreciation and pride for all they do right before offering constructive criticism about what to avoid. When they make mistakes, talk about how to earn back your trust. Never leave them feeling hopeless.
- Give your child good reasons for making positive, healthy choices. Adolescents tend to make decisions based on feelings instead of logic and experience. Often, they believe they know everything and can be hurt by nothing. Their attitude is, “I need it now!” If we want adolescents to make good decisions about their futures, we must give them practical reasons they can relate to for making choices that will lead to health and happiness. For example, it’s hard to run track if you’re six months pregnant. If your children have made poor decisions, encourage them to start over and move in a more positive direction.
- Know the facts and share them in a positive way. Attempting to influence your child’s behavior by focusing on guilt and fear may have the opposite effect — rebellion. Instead, know the facts about teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and puberty, and share them with your child in a non-threatening way. Parents who set high standards are offering their child the best protection against high-risk behaviors.
Excerpted from “Sex Q&A: Kids’ Questions — Parents’ Answers,” published by National Physicians Center for Family Resources. Copyright © 2007 National Physicians Center for Family Resources.
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love it….check out what we’re doing at http://www.awareprogram.net and http://www.illusionsprogram.net.
We are in middle schools and high schools spreading the same message in Southwest Washington. Our porn prevention piece is endorsed by Dr. Patrick Carnes. LOVE your porn (prevention) stuff too!
You guys rock!
Thank you, Mark, for putting something like this together!! As parents of a sixth grader entering public middle school, we have definite concerns about the world our precious daughter will be entering this school year.
Would it be possible to put a short snippet of the video on your website so that we could see it? I’ve been to a marriage talk at our church (NorthRidge Church in Plymouth, MI) and know what you’re about, but I’d like to share the website with some friends who haven’t yet had the pleasure.
Thank you and may God continue to bless your ministry!!
Hey Mark.. i totally agree with you that kids are curious.. like hobbits.. they want to know.. what news from the outside world.. and if your like Frodo.. Gandalf better tell you everything..
check out what Gandalf tells Frodo.. “hobbits.. most curious..”
and this is the same way we treat questions from kids.. unusual curiosity has a way of being dismissed as jus that.. uncomfortable questions..
what then do we expect our kids to reply to this??
check out Frodo’ remark, “OK.. You keep your secrets” .. can we really blame our kids when they experiment with sex.. drugs.. alcohol.. the young n the reckless??
the bold and the beautiful live up to this code: Live Fast.. Die Young.. Make a Good looking Corpse..
kids will seek out the answers we don’t want to tell them.. or we’re too embarrassed to say.. but then.. the age thing.. appropriate qns for appropriate age limit?? ..
ever wonder where qns like, “where do kids come from.. come from??” school.. playground.. funny chick flicks.. not another teen source mag!! check out twitter.. facebook.. my space.. boy meets girl tunes on i tunes.. love so divine on TV ads.. ten things boys gotta know about sex on the cover of PG 13 Paperbacks..
the list is limitless.. so.. can parents afford avoiding them curious hobbits any longer?? check out the tittle of this book by Focus On The Family, “Raising Kids In An X Rated World”.. a must read for all parents..
scary.. not scared enough.. jus like then Ring Wreathes.. they never stop hunting down the ring bearer.. our kids are too pricey to leave them at the mercy of the Ring Wreathes..
this dudes never give up.. kind of gives Freddy Vs Jason a bad press review.. we must stop this kind of hesitation or release all Mordor n Isengard .. and the will of the Ring of Power.. and the Dark Lord Sauron.. and all Middle-earth losses hope.. for real..
is this the future world we want our kids growing up in.. in a world where Ocks.. Cave Trolls.. Mercenaries.. make sure the age of men is come to end.. where these dudes declare war.. roam unchecked.. molesting all within their path.. turn the land of the Horse Lords and the City of Kings to wasteland??
does it stop there?? not really.. the Dwarf Lords get wiped out.. the Hobbits become slaves.. worse still.. those with the most power to lead an alliance of Men.. the Elves.. take flight to the Grey Havens [to the Undying Lands].. the power of the Ring is too awesome for them to handle
why all this chaos???
the three races.. the Elves.. the Dwarfs.. Men.. all received rings which gave them the power to govern their kind..
but the Dark Lord fooled them all.. in secret.. he forged a master ring.. deep in the fires of MT Doom.. One Ring To Rule Them All.. One Ring To Bind Them..
what am i saying?? Gandalf neglected to tell Frodo that the Enemy was positioning his troupes to once again cause mayhem on middle – earth..
check out what Saruman.. the White Wizard tells his second in command.. the Grey Wizard [Gandalf].. “Your Love for the Halflings {them curious hobbits}.. your love for the halflings has clearly slowed your mind”
the ring of power.. the Dark Lord’s most potent weapon.. was right under his very nose.. where??
in the house of his old friend.. Biblo.. Frodo’s uncle.. n i don’t mean uncle in the loose sense of the word.. Biblo was Frodo’s Blood relative..
so.. Frodo never gets to know that the Dark Lord is looking for the ring of power.. why?? Galdalf refuses Frodo’s need of knowing.. what news from the outside world.. and his need to be told everything .. to mere curiosity..
follow!!
and when finally.. Gandalf discovers the Ring Of Power.. that it was right under his very nose.. and that his love of the halflings had surely slowed his mind…
follow!!
how could a dude who claimed to be no conjurer of cheap tricks fail so miserably?? how could a wise Gandalf fail to know that the Enemy’s Ring of Power was all along i the house of his old friend Biblo??
and by the time all this is happening.. the Ring has Awoken its Master.. and young Frodo ends up being the bearer of bad tidings ie.. the Ring of Power..
elsewhere.. the Dark lord is taking Middle – earth by force..
when we spare the rod.. which apparently has a double effect:
1 it drives foolishness from our curious hobbits
2 sets them upon a path they will not falter in.. nor strike their foot upon a stone.. 4 the word is a light unto my feet.. and a lamp unto my path..
scripture says.. the violent take it by force..
by failing to warn Frodo about the Ring’s intended purpose.. total domination over all life.. it was now for him to try and accomplish the impossible..
to traverse the waste lands of Isengard.. past the White Wizard and his legion of Ocks.. the Lost Seeing Stone.. past the home of the lord of the Ring Wreathes.. past the Black Gates of Mordor.. past Cave Trolls who stand guard.. past an even more perilous foe.. the Eye of Souron..
all this while still carrying the Ring of Power.. which has awakened its master.. and who wants it so bad.. the Eye torments frodo with this words, “I See U.. U Cannot Hide”
Follow!!
what must the Ring Bearer do??
destroy the Ring of Power.. in the Very Fires from whence it was forged in secret.. by the very same Dark Lord who gave the three races the rings that had power of governance of each race.. now.. more powerfully breathed hatred and malice and his will to dominate all middle -earth.. into his Master ring..
God forbid that we keep secrets from our kids!!
Mark,
I had a conversation with both of my teenage boys after seeing the Laugh Your Way to A Better Marriage seminar. I’m looking forward to seeing the DVD specifically for teens. I also hope you will consider being a proactive citizen in this fight for our children’s welfare and join the efforts of the Parents Television Council, which is a nonprofit group that works to help enforce decency laws and standards on the public airwaves. Presently networks are using public airwaves FREE to make huge profits oftentimes at the expense of our children’s welfare. The average citizen doesn’t understand that the enforcement of FCC laws are strictly complaint driven and so many people have chosen to tune out of the problem that they aren’t even aware that Fox recently aired a show that graphically depicted a man masturbating a horse, Adam Lambert used a popular award show to push bondage and oral sex, and the lit goes on! These things are happening during “family hour” on the public airwaves you and I own- that makes us complicate whether we watch or not. Let’s unite to teach and protect our children and coming generations. Thank you and God bless.
thank sir l need to read more of your books and once again are enjoy this live comment
One thing I like that Kris Vallotton says is “You can’t teach a positive with a negative.” Too much abstinence teaching is based on the negative consequences to sex. This doesn’t work because 1. Teenagers are famously invincible to all harm, as they all know. 2. It casts a negative shadow over sex, which is one of my favourite things, and people do better trying to attain a positive rather than avoid a negative. Life is like driving, where you look(focus) is where you end up going.
I am curious if you have any information about how to talk to children about sex. My son is 9 and my husband and I have caught him touching himself. We are concerned about this because we do not want to make him feel guilty about what he is doing. My husband has been delivered from a pornography addiction and his experiences are wrapped around masterbation. My father-in-law constantly made my husband feel dirty and guilty for what he was doing. We just do not want to have our son have to struggle with what my husband did.
Do you have any suggestions on how to talk to children about this?
Check out Mark’s teen DVD set titled “Sex, Dating and Relating”. He talks about masturbation on there. Here is the link to our store: http://shopping.laughyourway.com/teen-dating-and-relating