Young Marriage
by Mark Gungor on March 4th, 2009
“A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within.” – Ariel Durant
There has been quite the uproar over Sarah Palin’s seventeen year old daughter who is pregnant and plans to marry the father. Many have decried this potential marriage as a terrible idea since the couple is “too young”. But it wasn’t long ago that such a marriage would not have been thought of as unusual.
“The traditional markers of manhood — leaving home, getting an education, starting a family and starting work — have moved downfield as the passage from adolescence to adulthood has evolved,” says Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland. For instance, in 1960, almost 70 percent of men had reached these milestones by the age of 30; today, less than a third of males can say the same.
Some of the most successful marriages in the world started with two teenagers. Indeed, it is difficult to reach 75 years of marriage if one waits till he is 30 to say “I do” – you’re pretty much dead by then.
Even biology challenges us to rethink delayed marriage. According to U.S. researchers who analyzed census data and information from genealogical records, children born when their mothers were under 25 were almost twice as likely to live to their 100th birthday and beyond and University of Chicago husband and wife team Dr Leonid Gavrilov and Dr Natalia Gavrilova have shown that firstborn children live longer than their younger siblings. It appears the two are linked, with older children living longer because their mothers are younger when they have them.
Studies have also shown that it takes longer for older men to conceive. Starting in their 20s, men face steadily increasing chances of infertility, fathering an unsuccessful pregnancy, and passing on to their children a genetic mutation that causes dwarfism. “We [now] know the probability for certain types of DNA damage goes up with age, and we can give you a mathematical probability,” said Andrew Wyrobek, a researcher at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in Livermore, California.
Not only is it bad to our children’s health to delay marriage and child birth, this delay is also resulting in increasingly lower birth rates which may be bad for the longevity of Western culture. According to Mark Steyn, the low birth rates already at play in Europe are a prescription for the end of Western civilization.
Seventeen European nations are now at what demographers call “lowest-low” fertility – 1.3 births per woman, the point at which you’re so far down the death spiral you can’t pull out. In theory, those countries will find their population halving every 35 years or so. In practice, it will be quicker than that, as the savvier youngsters figure there’s no point sticking around a country that’s turned into an undertaker’s waiting room. So large parts of the western world are literally dying – and, in Europe, the successor population to those aging French and Dutch and Belgians is already in place.
Indeed, those who marry younger and produce more children will be the ones who will dominate the US culture in the not-too-distant future. Dr. Arthur Brooks of Syracuse University writes:
Simply put, liberals have a big baby problem: They’re not having enough of them, they haven’t for a long time, and their pool of potential new voters is suffering as a result. According to the 2004 General Social Survey, if you picked 100 unrelated politically liberal adults at random, you would find that they had, between them, 147 children. If you picked 100 conservatives, you would find 208 kids. That’s a ‘fertility gap’ of 41%… A state that was split 50-50 between left and right in 2004 will tilt right by 2012, 54% to 46%. By 2020, it will be certifiably right-wing, 59% to 41%. A state that is currently 55-45 in favor of liberals (like California) will be 54-46 in favor of conservatives by 2020—and all for no other reason than babies.
We know that sexual activity before marriage increases the likelihood of a divorce. We also know that couples who live together also have an even higher rate of divorce. But then we tell young people today that they should wait till they are almost 30 to marry – an age that will most likely guarantee they will have been already sexually active or even living with someone.
Even in the Christian community (a group who should know better) we push and encourage delayed marriage. Christian parents even threaten their young people with negative consequences if they marry young. “We won’t pay for your education!” “You’ll have to pay for your own wedding!” “We’ll disown you!” We pull all financial and emotional support from the young couple and then when they fail, we rush back to them with “I told you so…”
Mormons bring an interesting perspective to marriage. Only 6% of those who follow the demands surrounding a temple marriage end up in divorce. Six percent! But it’s not just a question of getting married in a certain place. Leaders claim it’s that the church requires the candidates for marriage to be people of character—people who stick to their commitments of love and of asking for help, if they need it. What is so striking is that many of these marriages happen between couples still in their teens!
Then there is a threat that almost no one seems to consider: the elimination of grandparents. The culture of divorce that has been ripping and tearing at our national family structure has, so far, failed to destroy us. Though the documentation of the damage divorce does to people and particularly their children is sufficiently solid, American homes (though patched and sown together) have been able to hold together to some degree. This has been in large part due to the presence of grandparents. Those wonderful people who love their grandchildren unconditionally and whose age, wisdom and financial resources have played a key role – in some cases the key role – as stabilizers in those children’s lives. Those who delay marriage (and subsequently child rearing) are denying themselves one of the greatest joys men and women have cherished for millennia: to participate in the lives of their grandchildren.
For centuries, men and women became grandparents when they were in their late 40’s and early 50’s – allowing them plenty of time to enjoy and participate in their grandchildren’s lives. Then in their 70’s and 80’s they witnessed the arrival of their great-grandchildren. People who delay marriage and family today, however, do not realize how greatly they are cheating themselves by making it virtually impossible to experience their grandchildren. And for what? An extended adolescence? To drink more beer or to experiment with more sexual partners? To focus on their careers and a chance to make money more quickly than their parents did?
If Bobby and Suzie wait till almost 30 to marry and then 35 or greater to have children and their children do the same… well just do the math – they’ll be 70 before their first grandchildren are even born. Depending on their health and longevity, they are at risk for not being able to enjoy those children’s lives.
There is an even a greater tragedy that will occur than just people not being able to enjoy their grandchildren. As I already stated, grandparents have been the very glue that has helped struggling families stay together or to at least make their grandchildren feel safe should their parent’s marriage fail. According to US Census Bureau statistics:
- 6.1 million grandparents have grandchildren younger than 18 living with them
- 2.5 million grandparents are responsible for most of the basic needs of one or more grandchildren
- 918,000 grandparents have been responsible for caring for their grandchildren for at least the past five years
- 477,000 grandparents have an income below the poverty level and are still caring for their grandchildren
But by delaying marriage and children today, we are participating in the foolish and systematic removal of grandparents altogether. When the kids of the next generation are 7, 10, or 12 years of age there won’t be many grandparents to speak of. The final blow to the American family will be complete.
Sadly, many pastors and marriage proponents themselves are participating in the destruction of the very institution they seek to save by joining in this foolish call for delayed matrimony.
No matter what the statisticians say, marriages do not fail because of age, money or education – many of the underlying arguments for delaying marriage. Such thinking is utter nonsense. Marriages fail for one reason and one reason only: one or both people become selfish. To imply that young, poor or high-school graduates are incapable of real commitment is an insult. I find it curious that we have young, poor, high-school graduates fighting for our interests overseas with great commitment – some giving the very last measure of commitment by sacrificing their very lives for their fellow soldiers.
Someday historians will write of the end of Western civilization. I am sure that our propensity for selfishness and narcissistic behaviors is what they will point to as the reason for our demise.
Advocating for delayed marriage will be just one more reason we will succeed in destroying ourselves from within.
always enjoy reading your newsletter
I agree with this article. I have waited to marry and have children and although I don’t know how I could have done things differently, I wish that I was married with my family now!
My oldest has been married for 2 years. He was 25 and his wife was 21 when they got married.. Many thought they were too young, but I encouraged them to go ahead. They are both from stong, intact families who serve God. My philosophy was get ‘em married now, God and the parents can help them with the “adjustments” later. I figured those would be easier to deal with. Your blog confirmed it. Now, I need to encourage them to get busy getting me grandkids!
Some may marry late because they haven’t found someone before that. Marrying young and having grandparents “fill the gap” and take responsibilities that belong to parents seems irresponsible. The fact that there are 6.1 million grandparents with grandchildren living with them is not a plus, in my opinion. Having a good education and hopefully a satisfying career, being financially able to look after a family, knowing who you are, having time to do some travel and freedom before taking on the commitment of parenting would, I think, increase the chance of marriages lasting. I believe there are also many reasons and considerations for not marrying at a very young age.
I also enjoy reading your stuff. Have you started your own magazine yet?
Your info would be the greatest in all kinds of waiting rooms across the country
This idea of waiting goes along with the “false childhood” that the US seems to have embraced by having them in high school until 18ish. By the time a person is 18, in some cultures, they are married with kids. We expect to hold on to our teenage children and then wonder why they scream for independence. Are we doing them any favors by forcing them to stay in high school that long, when many have already turned off the “learning” switch and are only there for social reasons?
What a GREAT article!! I’m passing it on to all my friends. Can you imagine if many of our young people actually married BEFORE going to college? Much of the damaging socializing and recreational activities that go hand in hand at most colleges might be avoided by just knowing you were responsible to someone who was waiting at home for you.
You make a truly valid point. One that is often overlooked. Thanks for a great enlightening article.
This was a great article! My husband and I married the summer between our junior and senior year of college. His mother was strongly opposed to our timing, and wanted us to wait until he finished his masters, which would not be for 5 more years and would require him to move out of state. On top of this, she expected us to remain virgins for those 5 extra years. We’ve been married almost 2 years now and have found that having each other as a built in support system has made life’s challenges much easier to deal with.
I married right after my 20th birthday. Although my husband and I started off the journey backwards(baby then marriage), I am glad that we made that commitment then. I think that being married helped us to make better decisions because we had to take 2 more people into consideration before doing anything. We(like any other couple) have had our problems but I still think that we made the right choice. If that means that our children (6 so far) will be smarter, healthier, and have a greater impact on the world then PRAISE GOD!!!
Wow, I was just thinking about this the other day. We want our children to remain virgins until they marry,and then tell them to wait to get married. How stupid. Hormones are the worst in our teens. In ancient times (Bible times) people married in their teens and lived with or near family. This is how they learned to be married and have exellent relationships, by watching,asking questions,and being taught by their elders. We have lost so much by pushing our kids out and telling them to be adults but don’t get married, just make money. Family is what will make America great and the Church as well.
that’s exactly what i thought about beth. that is SO true. i mean hormones and teenagers and WAIT! that is kinda bass ackwards. (smile)
Thanks for your support for young married couples. My husband and I have been married for just over a year now (i’m 23 and he’s 22) and my parents wanted us to wait to get married and wait another 3 or 4 to have children. I am torn between waiting to have them so I can have time with my spouse or having them young (like his parents did) and being able to enjoy them and my grandchildren in the future. I think it’s a personal decision that has to be made by the couple and not in accordance to the wishes of their parents or other family members. I agree with Rachel that they want you to wait but also want you to remain pure as virgins. That’s almost impossible to do. It has been amazing to have a spouse to share life with and have them be there to support you along the way. I thank God for my husband more each day.
Fantastic insight, Mark. I married when I was 21, and now I think I waited too long.
I am nineteen and engaged. I am getting a lot of crap from my family because we want to marry so young. One aunt has been encouraging us from the start to go a head and get married now. Now my aunt, fiancee and myself have a really awesomely written article to back us up. I have also talked to a few young couples who are doing really well and say they would change nothing. So thank you for putting this out there. Hopefully the message is heard
Danielle,
I graduated from high school at 16, 2 weeks lare turned 17, two weeks later got married. A year later we had our first child. I have been happily married for 37 years! I have 3 children, 5 grandchildren, a great career and even got a Master’s degree. The best thing is I married my best friend and we still are best friends. We have always taken time to just be together and enjoy each other. We are each others encourgers. We have a common belief in God and are both saved by Jesus and this has definately made a difference on our lives. So I hope this encourages you – young marriages can work out to be wonderful! It is great to now have grown kids who are friends and to have grandkids that light up my days and a husband who lights up my life.
I just turned 30yrs old this year and still not married. I always wanted to marry and settle down young but sadly all the ladies I datedwanted more time. I always thought of it exactly as the article put it, I also knew that being parents at a yound age you have the energy to stay long hours awake, handle and recoup from the irregular “baby-timings” It broke my heart whenever I was told that I was rushing into marriage (not that I proposed on the first date or month!) I wish I got married in my early 20′s, I would have been celebrating my child’s 7th birthday. My advice to young couples out there who really love God and love each other, get married, you will have some tough times sometimes, but the good times will always be incomparable to the tough. And remember and hold on to what the bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:12, a cord of 3 is not easily broken…
I feel like I’ve lived both sides of this. I was crazy about a young lady when I was twenty. We dated for two years, got engaged, had some problems and I got cold feet about marrying too young, and broke it off so I could “enjoy my youth.” I dated a few other women, and one I dated for about five years. We ended up moving in together, and eventually got married. It took me five years to finally “give in” and marry this girl. It never occurred to me that there may have been a reason why I was so reluctant to marry her, compared to the relationship I was in when I was twenty, where I was really crazy for that girl, and was ready to marry her within the first six months. To make a long story short, I finally married the five year girl, it lasted two years and we got a divorce, luckily we didn’t have any children. I ran into the girl that always had a place in my heart, she also had a failed marriage. We dated for a few months, and I always knew she was the one and we got married in March 2006, and I have never been so happy. We are expecting our second child next month. We attended a “Laugh Your Way” about a year ago and it was a great experience.
also, i waited until i was older. now my one regret is that i wish i had not listened to others and had married my husband MUCH sooner.
I married my wonderful husband when I was 18 and he was 22. We had our first baby when I was just about to turn 20. #2 came 2 years later. We have been married for almost 9 fantastic years and I have never regretted “marrying young”. I worked at home to put my husband through college. He has had his Bachelor’s degree for awhile now. We have never been dependant on either one of our parents. We knew that we were responsible for each other and our children and rose to meet those responsibilities. Baby #3 is coming in August and I can’t wait!
I am 18, almost 19. I started attending college at 16 years old. I met my husband when I was 17, having been raised in a Christian home I believed that long engagements were pointless, and honestly I knew within a couple months that he was the one I would marry. We married exactly 9 months from the day we started dating, we are now nearing our one year anniversary. I am taking online courses to acquire my psychology/counseling degree. We are also thinking about starting a family. We are very involved in our local church, soon we will be the new youth pastors there. I really believe that God has blessed us for honoring his commandments. We have a strong marriage, I won’t lie, the honeymoon wore off along time ago, but we are very committed to our marriage with God as our lead. And I do believe that it is wrong for our society to think that because I am young we can’t make a marriage work, here is a another thought… if you wait until you are 30 and more set in your ways, won’t it be even harder to “adjust” and stop thinking about yourself and instead about someone else. Its a proven fact the earlier you learn something the easier it is to learn it.