When Opportunity Knocks
by Mark Gungor on May 4th, 2010
Much has been written and broadcast in the media about high profile personalities committing adultery. It has struck the marriages of many people from Hollywood celebrities to politicians, sports figures to pastors and church leaders. While these cases are fodder for every talk show, news and quasi-news program, the reality for the rest of us is that many normal, average, ordinary people engage in adulterous affairs. Often times husbands or wives who end up in an affair are not totally miserable in their marriage, as most people assume. In fact, recent studies show that even those people who rate their marital relationship as “pretty happy” and “very happy” end up committing adultery. Affairs don’t only happen in bad marriages.
Researchers say that one of the greatest risk factors for infidelity isn’t what is going on inside the marriage, but something that is outside. That risk factor is opportunity. The state of your marriage isn’t necessarily the greatest indicator of infidelity, so you need to be very careful. Far too many people make the mistake of thinking, “Our marriage is just fine. We love each other, we’re solid and it would never happen to us.” Then they let down their guard and don’t pay attention to the situations they allow themselves to be in because they feel like they are safe. It’s the furthest thing from the truth.
Your marriage is not immune. No marriage is. And it is especially critical that husbands and wives listen to each other when it comes to keeping an eye out for circumstances that could end up being nothing more than temptation and opportunity in disguise. Take for instance the wife who has a chance to reconnect with an old boyfriend via Facebook or some other social network. She may reason that she loves her husband, their marriage is great, she has no designs on any other man, and therefore it’s perfectly harmless and innocent. Even when her husband raises objections and says he doesn’t like it, she tells him that she’s totally happy in their marriage and he has nothing to worry about.
The work place is another area ripe with opportunity. Consider the husband who ends up spending a lot of time with a woman on the job. Maybe they have to be in meetings together or collaborate on projects. Perhaps they even need to have business dinners or travel together within a group of people. It seems like nothing on the surface, especially if his marriage is solid and he isn’t looking for anything by way of a relationship with this woman. When his wife raises a question, he tells her she there is no reason to be upset. He loves her and isn’t interested in anyone else. Yet, his wife may still be uncomfortable with the amount of time, phone calls, dinners, emails they share, even when he doesn’t see it as a problem.
Some people even tell the worried spouse that it’s their problem and accuse the concerned husband or wife of being crazy, jealous or insecure. Wrong! It’s your problem because you are creating an opportunity. Beware of the trap that comes simply from dancing too close to the flame. Most people think they can handle it and they won’t let it get out of control. Trust me—the majority of people who end up in adultery didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to have an affair. It is insidious and happens gradually when given the right circumstances and opportunity.
Don’t be stupid. Listen to your spouse because they are the voice that matters in situations like this. They often see things from the outside perspective that you don’t. When husbands and wives see circumstances are such that an opportunity is there, they need to stand their ground and tell their spouse, “No. I’m not comfortable with this.” Because as the saying goes “All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing”. Believe me, if you do not put your foot down, if you don’t do something about it, the evils of adultery will flourish.
And know that the decision to walk away from an opportunity may cost you something, but it will never be as high as the price of losing your marriage and family. Maybe you have to let a business deal go, or even in extreme cases change jobs. It may be the inconvenience of going to the other side of town to use the gym or health club to avoid a situation at the one you typically frequent. You might have to forego friendships or change churches. Do whatever it takes to guard and protect your marriage. Opportunity can stand there and keep on knocking, but if you are smart and value your marriage, you won’t dare let it in.
Amen & Amen about people telling the worried spouse they are crazy, jealous or insecure. I’ve been cheated on before & I put my foot down to try to avoid it & was told by several that very thing-”you’re just jealous” or “you’re insecure, they’re not doing anything wrong-they’re just talking, or they’re just this or just that”. The guy payed no attention to my warning & cheated anyway. Anyone in this situation, don’t believe anyone when they tell you you’re crazy, jealous or insecure. You are no such thing. You’re simply looking out for what is yours, which you are perfectly right to do so. I’m tired of people like us getting badmouthed when we aren’t doing anything wrong; we’re calling the person who is doing something wrong on it & we’re trying to prevent the adultery we see them about to commit.
Having been down this path, I wish that I had insisted that I was not insecure, but concerned. Infidelity is such a hurtful thing; in hindsight, I’d rather endure his anger for calling him out on his behavior, than the internal anguish I suffered as a result of his affair.
When it comes to adultery, it saddens my heart. There is WAY to much of this going on now days, and I dont understand it. I know several people who have done this, and then end up with Total Regret. If people would Stop & Count to 10 before they make this Life Changing Decision, and realize they are not only affecting their life, but both families on each side as well. It seems everyone gets Hurt, not just the adulter! If you truly are miserable in your marriage, then get out before you make this mistake, or if you think a one nihgt fling is going to do something for you, you better think twice, becuz it surly wont help anything, but make your life worse!You will also save yourself from alot of anger, pain & judgement! And what happened to Marriage Vows, I dont think people takes these seriously anymore. Divorce is too easy! Again if everyone would just stop and think for one minute what this is going to do to their lives and everyone involved, I bet their would be alot less of this happening in this world today!
My husband and I have been happily married for many years, but some years ago, I saw an affair developing. I told him I thought he worked too closely with the woman, but he said I was crazy, it was just work. When I finally pressed hard, I found out there had been kissing and fondeling, but no actual sexual intercourse. At first, he was defensive and said he was sorry in the same tone he might use if he spilled something. I demanded the entire relationship stop immediately and he told me he couldn’t stop working with her. I said if he didn’t, I would leave. At that point, he apparently realized the gravity of my feelings and began to sincerely appologize and told me he would do whatever was necessary to heal my feelings and not see her again, at work or anywhere else. Whether there was acutal intercourse or not, I still felt betrayed and it took a lot of work between us to rebuild trust. Today, I am so glad I chose to stay and work on the relationship and so thankful he was willing to work with me to heal it.
I agree with the article. I have always told my significant other to be aware of the seemingly innocent circumstances that present themselves. A former girlfriend or friendly female reconnecting on myspace, at the grocery store, at the gas station. They need help with a flat tire, they need help moving, they need a shoulder to cry on. I have always ingrained in his brain, what appears to be innocent on the surface CAN open a door that should not be opened and to be prepared to deal with ALL the adverse consequences. He was too accommodating to the needy females, he cheated and I left.
I really enjoyed this because I have a husband that had an affair we are currently working on these issues and I strongly agree you should not let your guard down because it can happen to you. I thought my husband would never cheat. he did and it hurt me but we are strong enough to move on and together we are working on our marriage, although extremely hard we have faith that it will workout and we have learned better ways to communicate with each other. God has blessed us with each other and we intend on keeping it that way he has also lead us in a new direction in our marriage that we both are vary thankful for.
Hi Nicole
I too have been working through an affair. He first blamed me for all of it. It has been almost a year since I found out about his two month affair. We both are Christians and I was wondering how long does it take for all the pain to go away?
RL
When my husband had his first affair I survived by following Dr. Willard Harley’s marital building theories “His Needs, Her Needs”–which basically touts that the majority of affairs are caused by unmet needs within the marriage which make them vulnerable. While need-meeting certainly has it’s place in a marriage–this article of Mark’s blows Harley’s theory clear out of the water. And after surviving two more of my husbands affairs (all while I was not only MEETING every one of his needs, but according to my husband, surpassing them!) I thoroughly believe Mark is on target.
However I still tend to think there is one key aspect missing on why a spouse is vulnerable to an affair. And I’d like to see it addressed. Something within their personality, perhaps? Emotional intelligence? Why when both spouses are met with opportunity and temptation, only one will take the bait while the other one breaks away, running and screaming in the other direction?
WHY DOES MY HUSBAND RESPOND SO ABRUBTLY WHEN I ASK HIM TO DO A SIMPLE TASK. SUCH AS I WAS IN BED ALREADY AND REMEMBERED I LEFT MY CAR KEYS IN MY CAR, WHICH WAS A VERY SHORT DISTANT. HE JUMPED ALL OVER ME THAT I WAS TOO LAZY TO GET THEM SO HE WAS NOT. HOW DO YOU APPRECIATE A MAN WHO CAN’T EVEN DO A SIMPLE FAVOR WITHOUT TURNING IT AROUND AS A HORRIBLE TASK ASKED AND THAT I AM TOO LAZY? I HAVE BEEN TOLD HE IS INSECURE, YET HE MAKES ME FEEL VERY INSECURE ACTING LIKE THAT.HELP!
Wow – I wish I had this article 10 years ago. My ex-husband was “business partners” with a lovely lady (who was also married) and they spent lots of time together selling commercial real estate. When I expressed my concerns (as well as the comments from our 3 kids), I was reassured that “I” was his wife and there was nothing to worry about (we had been married 27 years). He is from a strong Christian family where there is no such thing as divorce, so I believed him. The day he came home and told me “she” had filed for divorce, I said, “We’re in trouble, aren’t we?” To which there was no response…and we divorced as well. They are now married.
Everything you have written is what I tried to convey. Maybe if he had read these “from a man’s point of view,” it might have had more credence?
Ronnette,
I hate to tell u, but the pain never completely goes away. God bless u-I wish u the best & will be praying 4 u.
Actually there is complete healing and forgiveness in Jesus’ name and no the pain will not always be there forever. Just like an old scar – it doesn’t hurt anymore but it will still be there as a reminder. But it definitely takes time, more than one year.
Truth that is never told. My husband refuses to understand when I tell him not come home late. I dont mind him spending time with his friends but get frustrated when he comes late. I strongly beleive he is not being genuine about his feelings and at times feel he does not love me enough to change his ways. He wont listen to me and at times while we are just sitting at home doing nothing he will suddenly want to go out, that really upsets me because my mind still thinks he is still having an affair but keeps denying it. He has had an affair from since we were married and sometimes I wonder how I have survived it all but I know that God happened. its painfull though and even today it still hurts and more so when I realize that his ways havent changed much.
Anon,
It’s been 16 yrs. 4 me. How long has it been 4 u? I’m still praying 4 complete healing. It is better, but not gone.
Rhonda, My husband had a affair for about 10 months. I never saw it coming, was in a as perfect marriage or so I thought, really never fought, 3 great kids. Date nights and had sex 3 or 4 times a week. Took long walks and talked all the time. I have known for about 13 months and can’t get the thoughts, images and questions out of my mind. We are both Christians, He has done everything he can do to help me. He is so sorry and knows the devastation he has caused. I am just empty and don’t talk much and really don’t care how he feels. Your saying you’ve been dealing with it for 16 years? I really don’t think I can deal much longer. I pray about it have talked to ministers who all say you’ve got to give it to God. Which really what does that mean?? I would if I could. Sometimes I look at him and feel nothing. Just rambling I guess, I have not really talked to anyone who has been through this and is still together. Any advice?
Tami,
The ministers r right-give it to God. What that means is to tell God I can’t take this u have 2 help me. I can’t 4give-u have 2 do that 4 me & thru me. I hope this doesn’t sound trite or old, but u really do have to take it 1 day at a time & some days will be better than others. Some days there is no pain at all & others-something can remind u of the affair & the day won’t be so good. That is a drawback to living in the town it happened in-constant reminders. The person gets aggrivated at me after this length of time, but I say (& I’m not trying 2 be mean spirited) “well, that’s what u get. u should have thought about that b/4 u did it & should have listened 2 me. Experience can sometimes be a hard teacher.” I yearn 4 complete healing-wish it had come years ago, but that also depends on your personality. Some people can get over things quickly & easily-I’m not 1 of those people, so it’s probably obvious how deeply it hurt me. Needless 2 say-it changed me 4ever. I don’t relate to anything the same way anymore. I’m a trepidatious person anyway-this has made me even more so. If I were 2 find myself in this situation again(heaven forbid)- I’d just dismiss myself from the situation-which could be premature, but I don’t want 2 go thru that again. I’d be quicker to say “ok-bye.” I probably would have a tendency 2 not work it out. Defense mechanism. I hope this helps. Let me know if u have anymore ?’s. God Bless-Rhonda
Tami,
I stayed 4 the same reasons u did. I still loved him & didn’t want 2 be divorced. I was in my early 20′s at the time, but didn’t want to go back home or thru the dating process again. There were no kids involved at the time. It is kind of harder, because he’d been cheated on b/4. If someone hasn’t, then it’s easier 2 get over, because they don’t know the pain they cause. I couldn’t believe (knowing how painful it was) that he could turn around & do it 2 me. But, as painful as that was, I can look at from a different perspective now. There r more painful things than adultery. Illnesses, deaths of loved 1′s, etc. I’ll take adultery over many other things anyday (that’s been a fairly new God given revelation & I thank Him 4 it).
I don’t believe that opportunity is the greatest factor in adultery, it’s a person’s values that drive infidelity. If someone is prone to cheating, they will do it regardless of whether they are near someone of the opposite gender or not. If they wouldn’t even consider EVER cheating because of their values, they will not violate their marriage vows. It’s based on values, not proximity.
Ellen
If you don’t like it, just don’t read it. Simple as that
Very sound advice. I wonder…is it possible for a man and woman – married but not to each other – to be good friends?
You’d think. I’m not so sure. I’m surrounded by men at work, you’d think a friendship would be possible. But gossip in the workplace can be vicious.
There’s some truth on both sides of this argument. It’s mostly about people making bad chices, but it’s also foolish for people to put themselves in situations that are tempting. I’ve been married for over 20 years. There have been ups and downs, but we’ve never cheated. Not that long ago I became friends with a woman at work. We spent time together at work and we also talked and emailed a lot about personal things. Kids, weekend activities, jokes, etc. I considered her a good friend. It was never a physical or sexual thing. She began to feel guilty and I eventually realized – too late – that she considered it an emotional affair. From my perspective, it was just a great friendship. The idealist in me says that what others think shouldn’t matter, but experience says otherwise.
I agree with you, Veronica. Men struggle with this fine line too, and I think your assessment is on the mark.
How does one recover a wife with whom I have two beautiful children, that has no one else, but that hasn´t made love to me in a year and still refuses me?
Apparently I don´t make her feel loved and wanted.
Regards
Ask her if u r doing anything wrong & u say that u don’t make her feel loved & wanted-just ask her if that’s the case. Ask her what u could do to make her feel loved & wanted. U might find something out about yourself.
Im not married yet and reading all this is kinda scary. I currently have a lovly relationship with my partner, we talk things over all the time, infact when ever we feel uncomfortable with anything we talk about it the very second it occurs. I pray this will continue on as we grow in our relationship with one another and also as, we as a couple, grow in God. My partner and I have plans to get married soon, and Im glad I read this way before our marriage. Hopefully this will give my partner and I a head start to a healthy marriage. Thank you so much Pastor Mark!
All of this is good info on how cheating starts, but if you love someone with all your heart and they cheat on you and you decide stay with them how do you learn to trust them again? I have already forgiven him that is not an issue. It has been 5 years and he hasn’t done anything since then. We did the Fireproof bible study and I believe that is what turned our marriage around. I truely believe that he is sorry for what he did. So my question again is how do you learn to trust? Is there any advice out there that will help?