When Is It Adultery?
by Mark Gungor on August 3rd, 2010Is what Jesus said true? Seems like a pretty straight forward question. Born again Christians who believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God would quickly give an emphatic “yes” as an answer. But I would like to challenge believers in an area where they say Jesus’ words are true but aren’t necessarily living like it. It’s a rather sad indictment on Christianity today that we even have to ask: Is what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage being adultery true? What’s more shocking is that almost no one I ask seems to be able to give an answer to the question!
Divorce is common among people in churches today. Statistically, divorce is occurring among believers at the same rate as non-church couples—actually at an even higher rate than atheists! Christians are most often divorcing not because of an affair or sexual unfaithfulness but for any reason under the sun—everything from “my spouse isn’t meeting my needs” and “he/she isn’t my soul mate” to “we just can’t get along”. Sometimes very strict churches will take a real hard line and say that you can never remarry after divorce or else it’s adultery. They maintain that you must live alone for the rest of your life, no matter the circumstances, even if a person was divorced prior to becoming a believer. Undoubtedly, people have been hurt by that rigid stand.
If you read the bible, you’ll see that Jesus was actually very strong on this. He said if a man divorces his wife for any other reason but sexual unfaithfulness and she marries someone else, she commits adultery. That’s pretty strong. The fact that people apply that with no exception, even to those who made the decision to divorce when they were not believers, is pretty harsh. But that’s not the common practice in most churches today.
Most churches are not taking the extremely strict stand on divorce and remarriage. In fact, too many don’t take any stand. What I see as a bigger problem, and occurring more often, is that now you can get divorced and remarried for any and every reason—biblical or not. I think the casualness churches treat marriage with is wrong. People divorce their spouse, then they just move on to the next person and the church remarries them as if it’s no problem. To me it’s like a version of wife swapping and the church just smiles and thinks it’s no big deal. We’ve gone to the other extreme on this and it needs to be dealt with.
So when is remarriage adultery?
Remember, Jesus said remarriage in situations other than when sexual unfaithfulness has occurred, is indeed adultery. My question to churches is: When is that true for Christians today? When is what Jesus said ever true when it comes to the revolving door of marriage among believers? I’m concerned that there are so many excuses and exceptions that divorce and remarriage is not considered adultery in any situation. Today there are so many exceptions that we end up invalidating the very words of Christ. I do think adultery is a real deal breaker and the bible clearly makes accommodation for it. Other than this, I tend to be very conservative on this and in my church, but for a marriage that ended because of adultery committed against them, I will not remarry a person. (Unless it’s back to their original spouse, which I have actually done!) They can go somewhere else and find someone else to marry them.
What about…
People will come up with all kinds of scenarios and ask me the question, “What about domestic violence or abuse? Or alcoholism?” Look, I’m not God and everyone has to deal with their own conscience on this. But again, here we get into this area of excuses and exceptions. Do you really think there was no such thing as men hitting their wives in Jesus’ day? Then why didn’t he mention that excuse? Women say, “I’m divorcing my husband’s because he’s an alcoholic”. Do you really think people we’re alcoholics in Jesus’ day? Come on, we’re talking about over two thousand years ago when people were pretty barbaric. You think our culture is bad now? It was worse then! According to Jesus, there was only one excuse…that was sexual unfaithfulness.
Now, all kinds of people have been remarried in these types of “non-adultery” situations—do I think they’re all doomed? No. Are they supposed to divorce the new spouse because it’s not according to the bible? Certainly not. There is no way to go back and unscramble all the eggs, but I think as Christians the ideal is to follow God’s word, stop all the divorcing, and do it right in the first place. Then it wouldn’t even be an issue!
People make mistakes
I totally understand that people make mistakes, often times before they were saved and came to Christ. Then later they become born again, have repented, they are part of the church, and are serving Jesus. That’s a completely different scenario and of course God’s love and grace are greater than virtually any situation. My concern is that Christians use grace as a license to do what’s wrong and then they think, “God will just forgive me.” Yes, God forgives, but Paul writes in the bible and says we should not use grace as an excuse to do the wrong thing. I’m afraid that’s where we’re at in the church today.
A standard needs to be set
Truly, at some point, a standard needs to be set. I think churches have virtually no standard anymore and we need to start taking this very seriously. When you say “I do”, it means you did—till death do you part. We must realize that there is a biblical standard that has been ignored and it’s time for the Church to quit treating it so casually and answer the looming question: When is what Jesus said ever true? If we can’t even answer the question, we are in a really bad place.
An abused spouse should not put themselves (or heaven forbid, their kids) in harms way. My husband & I love Mark & agree wholeheartedly on all his advice. However in this, I’ll have to waiver & go w/what Michael Smalley said: “I’m pro marriage, but I am not pro abuse.”
I have to say that if someone is abusing their partner they are most often cheaters too, so I think that that base is pretty much covered. (Adultry at heart at least if not just out right adultry.)
For all of the comments regarding abuse or other extremely bad behavior by one spouse, please read Mark’s article on separation. He does NOT advocate divorce, but is a HUGE proponent of separation. He does NOT believe that a spouse should stay in the house and just take it from a person who is hurting them or behaving in atrocious ways toward their spouse and/or children. Click here to read the article on separation.
Because we have received of the flurry of responses and comments on this topic, Mark will address it on an upcoming episode of his radio program. We will post the date the show will air and the link to the archive so everyone can listen to what he has to say on this topic. Check back for it!
Please tune into The Mark Gungor Show where Mark will be discussing this article. It will air Monday, January 24th. You can listen at 10 am CST to the stream at http://www.markgungorshow.com or anytime after that via the archives or podcast on iTunes.
There are so many “what ifs” and exceptions that we can bring up to argue for a divorce, but if we listen to what Mark says (outside of this article) he also says that we do NOT have to put up with abuse or any other bad behavior. There are other interventions. Adultry remains the only biblical reason for divorce.
I understand your concern about the rising rate of Christian divorces. Several things come to mind when I read your blog. I believe that the approval for a bill of divorcement was given “because of the hardness of men’s hearts” as well as for a case of adultery.
I’m pretty sure that a man who beats his wife has a “hard heart”.
I believe that when he abandons his family for another woman or simply because he’s tired of being married, he has a “hard heart”.
I know for a fact that when he rapes his wife or his children, “his heart is pretty hard” as their pleas and tears are of no consequence to him, especially when he repeats the act over and over.
When he is so taken up with drugs and alcohol that the pleas of his family to get help are scoffed at, his “heart is hard”.
When he refuses to work to provide for his family, his “heart is hard”.
When he tells his wife she’s a fat pig, ugly, stupid, lazy, and that he’s never loved her,not once but repeatedly, his “heart is hard”.
When he downgrades, demeans, and curses his own kids, his “heart is hard”.
When he steals, robs, burns, lies, rapes, murders, etc. with no thought for the victims or his family, his “heart is hard”.
When he has no conscience, his “heart is hard”.
Been there, done this, know all about it.
Does God REALLY expect women and children to be sacrificed on the altar of “staying married” so the christian community can still look good?
Let’s look at the real problem here. The sins of carnal men. Please don’t lump victims into the same category as those who “just don’t want to be married anymore”.
It’s an insult to every christian spouse who has done everything in their power to save their marriage, even swallowing all the previous stuff I mentioned, just to stay married.
The church has done a terrible injustice to women by letting men get away with their bad behavior, while holding high offices in the church. God will clean all that dirt out of there someday.
Sue Kelly
Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Counselor in Pennsylvania
Mark is not advocating that a woman stays in a marriage where abuse is occurring. Here is a previous blog post explaining his stand on separation in cases of abuse and bad behavior: Divorce or Separation?
All I have to say is, AMEN!!!
You are being very anti-male in your comments. Men are not the only bad people here. There are unfaithful women also. I was married to one. So, let’s clarify, that it is not only men that have a “hard heart”.
I am speaking from personal experience in a marriage of 25 years. The “easy out” is not easy on anyone involved. My parents divorced after 39 years, I have a child married 3 years who is miserable and trying to live what God wants IN the mess and 1 child who left her husband after 3 months.
I am leaning toward Mark’s thoughts. Trials and tribulations are what all believers are to expect. There are other ways of intervention. The main thing is..get it right the first time. Walk the walk he has for you. When you mess up, in anything, the answer isn’t to bail or justify your actions in some way. If we did take this seriously, marriage would not be entered into casually.
Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church,what an awsome message.This saying is talking to people who know that they are a new creature ,born of God.If a man or a women dont know how to distinguish between the two then this saying cannot well congrue in the houshold,hence Im! the head of the house, its in the bible! and people wonder why theres more disharmony in the house.this message can only survive in the agape love that flows from the new man,non gender specific.When times get tough this saying will fail unless prayer is applied.WHAT ABOUT COLOSSIANS,or the beginnig of EPHESIANS for a start.there is so much more to say on this subject
A person asked me a question as the same as this, I am glad that you help me a lot to understnad. Truly, many people have no idea if the Lord will forgive and or accept them who are divorced and remarried. I only know that this verse allows them to divorce only for adultery reason. Someone said that the Lord will forgive them after divorce and remarried to a person if both of them walk in His way? Do you agree with this statement? Thanks, Suanne
I do believe that in certain situations other than adultery divorce is acceptable. My mother divorced my father when I was 2 years old because he beat me, her, and my older brother. He drove drunk, forced her into the car and wrecked causing her a miscarriage. He was a police officer, she tried all kinds of ways to get help for him, and them as a couple. No one believed her. It would have been wrong for her to have stayed with him and let him keep beatimg on her and her 2 children. I know that adultery is supposed to be the only reason, but in some cases you have to “break the rules.” I would much rather her be divorced and alive than to have stayed with him and ended up dead. She raised me and my brother and did a fine job, I am proud to say my mom divorced a man to save us.♥
In a prior post Mark was discussing sexless marriages. In that post he said “In my mind, denying your spouse and not meeting the sexual needs of your husband or wife is being sexually unfaithful and it’s a sin.” What if you have tried the suggestions to improve your marriage and there is no response. What if you’ve tried counseling and there are commitments but no follow through? Does this unfaithfulness to the marriage ever justify divorce?
I agree with Mark and yes we always seem to add a but.It so important to choose right,I am so glad that we have this tool to help us decide on who is the right person for us. Wel it is to late for me, I am know married for the second time.We both love the Lord and I believe there is forgiveness.If there was no forgivness for this then we have so much more we will be accountable for.What is the right thing to do ,well repentance is 180 degree turn around to do the right thing.It is what we do know that is important.We will never be able to say we could not make it work as there is so much out there to learn that all we need is teachable spirit.I have one question”I sit adultary when you devorce,remarry or both?
i think you do a great job. i would like to know next time you are in houston (katy) texas area so i can meet you.
joe…
“32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery…..” Actually what Jesus says is that if a MAN divorces his wife for any other reason, HE causes her to commit adultery. I think that is a pretty strong indictment against men, not women. Jesus doesn’t even address women in this passage. Now, does that leave open the possibility of a woman being able to leave her spouse for any other reason? Hard to say since women didn’t have those rights in that day and age. But I do know that Jesus was very specific in who he was speaking to and that the man was the cause of the womans adultery not the other way around. Just my reading of it…..
Wow, Ive looked high and low to find a pastor with the guts to say this.
I just love the post that starts “I dont think” and goes on to justify divorce, THATS the problem with Christians particularly as we are all taught to communicate with emotions….all the time….more like women. That he had the courage to state that divorce IS NOT occuring due to adultery and abuse etc, but for frivolous reasons is amazing. he left off the most dangerous fact. Women file 70% of all divorces. Note, that doesnt say WHY…just that they do file way more.
Buried in all those facts is the beginning of the churches obvious pathway to addressing this disaster
My husband is a soldier and the last time he was deployed he was involved with someone from another country. this is his 3rd marraige and my 2nd. He 2nd lasted 17 years and 5 boys, mine 21 and no childers. Anyway, I chose to stay with him, he was deployed for 6 months we went to counseling and even attended a laugh your way to a better marraige. Well here we are and he is away again this time a different deployment in Kuwait on a base and today I finally after 2 months and probably since I had his youngest (14yrs) son he chooses to video chat…first time! I know soldiers are doing it and he has chosen not too. I noticed that he was not wearing his wedding ring. He says it’s hot and his hands swell and well I am sure they do BUT he has lost some weight. He didn’t have a problem wearing it at home? I am clearly upset. He has only been gone two months. he doesn’t play and when I try I don’t get much response in that department…I could just cry, I want to give up. I am tired of being hurt. I think there is more behind him not wearing it or do I just TRUST again…it’s hard when you have been devistated by something u felt and got hurt. that was 2 years ago he was deployed. I know this time there are more eyes upon him and watching him than the last but I don’t like it that he isn’t wearing it and my hunch is that if he was really interested in making this marraige work and last he would try harder to skype and not just talk on the phone. there are no big love letters either…I am doing all i can to what I learned and his just went out the door. OH well, I needed to vent, I haven’t many people and I don’t want to blow it out of proportion.
Thanks
Dear Pam,
I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. I can’t tell you how many times I have been in that place of deep pain…feeling helpless, hopeless and alone. I have jumped a new hurdle this year with my life. I have pressed into the Lord like never before. The enemy wants to kill, still and destroy everything, especially marriages and family. I have to choose daily that this difficult marriage (and the enemy) is not going to drag me down. I have to put myself in the light of our Lord constantly…in the word, worship, prayer and having support from others is a big one. I have been married for 21 years and the last three year have been hell on this earth with our relationship. I am happy to say that I am a better person because of these hardships. I have to ask myself “Lord what are You teaching me, what are You showing me?” The Lord has really taught me to let go, to trust in Him with everything. A big part of all this is the Lord showing me that I’m only responsible for myself…I can’t change my husband only the Holy Spirit can. The Lord has also shown me that I can’t base decisions on my emotions. They have to be based on His word and what the Holy Spirit is telling me to say and do. I encourage you sister…you’re going to make it and the difficulties are never in vain. You are being refined like never before and you are His precious daughter. He loves you and sees every tear you cry. I will be praying for you. Hugs. Kristi in Washington State
I have just saw a video of Pastor Gungor, and although I find him funny and entertaining, in this article I cannot agree with this statement. Many theologians, churches and evangelists now believe three biblical reasons for divorce which includes adultery(any sexual immorality) abandonment and abuse(physical and sexual)altough some tend to differ in this area as swell. British pastor David Instone Brewer and scholar wrote a book “Divorce and Remarriage where he states that Jesus was referring to divorce for just “any reason” since at the time men thought they could divorce their wives even if she burned his meal. Anyone can check out Mr. Instone Brewer’s website and can find his article on the subject “What Has God Joined” at Chritianity Today. Plus Author Barbara Roberts has a book called “Not Under Bondage” that also addresses Christian Divorce. There other books and articles on christian divorce as well.
I agree completely with your thoughts except I do believe there is place in scripture that mentions seperation (not divorce) for situations that may include abuse. Just my thoughts.
Everything you wrote is true. However, I would add a strong caution to this because people often extrapolate. Just because a person cannot divorce their abusive spouse, does NOT mean they have to live in the same house as them. People who are being abused need to get to a safe place immediately and stay there, protecting themselves and their children, while their abusive spouse gets help.
Otherwise, by staying, they are only enabling the abuse – allowing their spouse to continue acting that way.
I agree. Abuse may not be an valid reason to divorce, but I recognize safety is an issue. Some marriages are so volatile, that one spouse may need to move to another location. Even is these difficult and complicated situations, if at all possible, reconcilation should be the goal. Realistically, that may not always be possible. Yet even in these cases, the marriage bond remains, as Christ did not provide a release. (The disciples’ reaction, knowing the consequences of a bad marriage, was strong.)
What then? Yes, it is a terrbile thing. A painfull reality. Yet the testimony to the church and society is even stronger: be careful who you marry. Give much thought and prayer about it. Marriage is not about “You make me feel good, and if not I’m out.” The marriage bond is a life committment. Even the disciples’ responded, “It is better not to marry.”
Well said!
I understand God says that the betrayed spouse has a biblical out to remarry again if they were cheated on, but what happens to the “adulterers” when they justify the reason they cheated is because they were always meant to be together, even though they married other people, had children, find each other again, break up 2 homes because of adultery, (among alot of other broken “commandments”) they get married, as soon as their divorces are final. All the while claiming to be Christians. How does God view this marriage? Even though they are now married, they got there through infidelity, so are they still adulterers?
Dear Mark, Your marriage stuff is fantastic and I have got heaps out of it for our marriage. However I do feel in some ways you are not aware of the deep pain in some peoples marriages. I know your marriage is not perfect but just imagine for a minute that your wife never wanted to touch you at all for years and you tried everything to change this. Or you are a wife with an emotionally abusive husband who put you and your children down constantly and wanted sex most nights with no hint of tenderness. I know you will say none of this changes the biblical stance. But Gods heart weeps for these struggling people in tremendously difficult circumstance. And you need to show this heart of God. I’m not saying you change your stance just your heart. These people are desperately wounded and need support. As you can see I have no answers but I know God can help you as you speak with not only Gods words but also His love. Just think how Jesus spoke to the woman caught in adultery. He did not follow any of the previous biblical guidelines but showed her forgiveness and not judgment. Even though Jesus was the only qualified judge. She walked away with her head up knowing she was free to finally be who God had made her to be. And all those ‘perfect marriage’ people on the sidelines walked away with their heads down aware of their own sin. I agree with you that a flippancy about the marriage covenant is very wrong and I think this is what Jesus was so angry about. However to throw in with these people deeply wounded women and men who are desperate for support is not right. And no one is too far from his mercy I don’t care how flippant they are. I have Christian friends who have done what I don’t agree with as far as leaving marriages and even marrying non- Christians. AND I HAVE SAID IN AS LOVING WAY AS POSSIBLE that I don’t think their decisions are the right ones while they were in this process. And then I have struggled with jealousy as their lives seem to work out so happily while I still fight for our marriage and family. My husband is a good man but severely disabled so has been very hard and future looks that way to! Thats why we need Gods love and not judgement as the only possible way to make it! But you know what conclusion I’ve come to? In the end we each make our own decisions and God is the ultimate judge and His judgement is Jesus! Thats why while we breathe there is hope! We are all just as much His loved children as our brothers and sisters whatever they have done. Very rambly and womanly I know but we are a reflection of God too so hopefully men will be able to sort through this!
What about the other condition for lawful divorce that Paul mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7- the departure of the nonbelieving spouse? Its clear in scripture that marriage to a nonbeliever who is willing to live with you is lawful and spiritually binding (1 Corinthians 7:12-14), and there are no biblical escape clauses for ‘unhappy’ or troubled marriages. Separation is lawful and sometimes necessary as Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7:11- “if she departs, she must remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband”. But Paul does not seem to include this mandate to remain unmarried in 1 Corin. 7:15- if a nonbeliever departs, we are not bound in such cases. In other words, the believer is loosed from the marital bond if the nonbelieving spouse leaves. This became true in my own marriage when my husband left for the Jehovah’s Witness church when I was 25, after only a year of marriage. All be it, the marriage was otherwise troubled, but when he chose this path during our separation, he made it a mandate to ‘submit’ and follow him to his new false faith. Instead of following my husband in a direction that would lead me away from Christ, I was counseled at the time to “return to my first Love”, being Christ Himself. As my exhusband had decided in 3 months of attending Jehovah’s Witness Watchtower meetings that this was the “right way”, I had the Holy Spirit helping to convict my heart that He was not following the Christ that I knew and loved. To depart from Christ to follow my husband in his false faith would have been the breaking of a greater covenant. I am firstly the bride of Christ. Marraige is to be honored, but should the nonbelieving spouse depart; by all means, pastor Mark, lovingly exhort the believing spouse that God has called them to be at peace in this cicumstance, just as Paul said in 1 Corinthian 7:15. My husband maintained his ultimatum and we divorced in 2002. The Holy Spirit did a work in my heart, and renewed my mind through the knowledge of the Word, and I began a transforming return to the Lord. I thank God for His mercy and for His peace, and by a gift of His grace, after 7 years of living as a sanctified single, I was married to a wonderful christian man who had never been previously married. He understood that my divorce was biblical and I am so blessed that God saved him in singleness for 37 years just for me! Pastor Mark, I served as a biblical counselor at my church in the recent 2 years just before I moved out of state to marry last year. I have counseled singled women, married women and divorced women. I empathisize with all of them because I have walked in all of thier shoes. I am the last person to ever counsel a woman to divorce. Even in the case of marital unfaithfulness, God can reconcile. But the Lord also understands that there are conditions in which the marriage covenant can be broken. I agree with you that we must uphold the standards of the Word of God and not make unbiblical allowances for sin so that ‘grace’ can abound. Paul tells us in Romans 6, “God forbid!” we do such a thing. But I do thank the Lord for His grace and mercy in my life and I just wanted to share my story with you if perhaps you were to minister to another married person who finds him or herself in the same situation. By the way, my husband and I will be attending your Richmond conference today and we are looking forward to being blessed by your ministry. May the Lord continue to bless you.
Hurray!
Finally, someone with influence and the courage to deal head-on with Christian adultery, and marriage. This has been and remains a critical issue among Christians and our churches.
I disagree with only one point: that if illegitably divorcing and remarrying (making the remarriage an adulterous relationship), then repentance is necessary, as any other sin. That said, salvation is not lost, as our salvation is by faith alone. However, a thief, having come to Christ, must stop stealing. An adulterous relationship should likewise. But I iterate: salvation is not the issue. Marriage and adultery is a standard that our Lord established, howbeit strong; (the disciples’ reaction was strong).
I think it would benefit all Christian churches to take a look at how the Roman Catholic Church (Christian) handles marriage and annulment. We treat marriage much more seriously considering it is a Sacrament. An outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace. It is not a simple matter. There are very few reasons to grant annulment even after the couple has been divorced. The cases are looked at individually and presented before a tribunal that either grants or rejects the annulment. Their job is to determine if the couple was ever actually married without reservations. We take marriage very seriously. Until death do us part.
This is an excerpt from: http://home.earthlink.net/~rickpen16/catholicmarriages/id17.html
“There are three ways in which Church Law (also referred to as “canon law”) recognizes that a true and valid marriage does not exist in a previous union:
1) where there was a lack or defect of what is called “canonical form.”
2) where there was an impediment to the marriage.
3) where there was a defect in the consent exchanged between the partners (the most significant in the majority of cases). ”
Heidi L.
Fairbanks, Alaska
Hi there, this is just a thought that I have regarding the matter and hope you respect it like I respect your point of view. I think God’s words should not be obeyed only in times of convenience, sometimes it is very much confusing for us to understand His counsels but a scripture that comes to my mind is the one in Isa. 55: 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.” I know that by our obidience we will someday understand the reason or maybe reasons why these commandments are given unto us =)
I just got married last 6th of April and I am loving it. A friend of mine shared to me a book about marriage and an article titled Christian Marriage Counseling – Marriage Repair Magic in 5 Secret Steps I enjoyed this since I just got married last April, I think it’s worth sharing. Thanks
Wow, It’s amazing how after reading this article which addresses how often Christians make excuses to justify thier situation, so many continue to send in comments doing just the same thing.
Ditto to this comment. Many of the justifications and excuses given here cite strong concerns that we can all sympathize with, but they are all based on worldly reasoning. Those comments usually reflect the “other bracelets” that the writers wear (beside, or in place of, “WWJD”) — an idea Mark has brought out in the radio show and in his sermons. Take those bracelets off, folks — they’re weighing you down.
No woman should ever be denied the right to marry again if she had been in a previous marriage with an abusive spouse. Ever. I have seen women hurt by affairs, but I have seen women almost killed in abusive relationships! I’d choose a cheating husband over being a dead wife any day of the week. It’s not a woman’s “fault” if she’s beaten within an inch of her life (or stabbed, or shot), so she shouldn’t be further punished by not being able to be married again, in the eyes of God. I see this as nothing more than punishment for making a bad choice in a mate the first time around.
I personally know 2 women who were in controlling, abusive relationships (not married) and were almost killed by their boyfriends when they tried to exit the relationship. Had they been married, they should not be made to feel they are adulterers because they left a relationship that very well could have ended their lives. And we’re not even talking about the potential for destruction had they been married with children and stayed married.
Yes, “back in the day” of Jesus, sins of all kinds occurred, including men beating their wives. But back then, women were also the property of their husbands. My husband would never want our daughter to be considered the property of an abusive man – not ever, under any circumstance.
Wow! How refreshing to read this take on marriage and divorce. Our society has taken such a selfish view on marriage and divorce for what THEY are NOT getting out of it. Even Christians are fooling themselves by picking and chosing WHICH words of Jesus to follow. I applaud Mark for not marrying people who have traded in their “old” spouse for a new one. Wish all churches would take this stand, and like he said TAKE A STAND. Our silence is the biggiest mistake. I have such a passion for saving the marriges of today. Biggest mistake people make is to look to their spouse to make THEM happy. How about leaning and trusting in GOD! Kuddos to this website and to Mark! He will be blessed for his messages!
Well Mark, The community that I live in is swamped with adultery, and divorce. We have a youth wrestling team that just about all the parents are sleeping with each other. Its crazy. You can look at them and tell there not happy.
The only reason I am even reading your page is because I was going to leave my wife. Now she thought divorce. Not knowing what to do she went to church and got saved. Now we have a lot of work to do. And I think that’s the big problem people don’t want to work to make there marriage what God intended it to be.
…and suddenly you come up with “its what the bible says” come on! I have a mind on my on! And I just can’t agree with forcing a woman to stay with a man who hits her. Just because is written? it’s insane! She can get divorced if he cheats but not if he hits her? And the only explanation you give me, is well He said it, He must know… that’s it? REALLY THAT’S IT?
My husband has abused me the past 7 1/2 years. I am still married to him but we are separated and the divorce is in the works,on hold right now. Not one time has God told me not to file. I see it over and over again that GOD HATES ABUSE MORE THAN HE HATES DIVORCE.There are a few other grounds for a divorce besides sleeping around which I know he has done that too. I get blamed for his actions.Dont think so.He has been out for over a year now and nothing has changed. I want to do what is right.What God wants me to do. Before I walked into those court offices to file,I prayed and asked God that His will be done.That if this wasnt to be,it wouldnt work.Well I have had no problem filing so far. If we divorce,I have no problem not remarrying as long as that is what God wants for me.God can and will open and close whatever door(s) he wants. Nothing is impossible with God.I just wont be abused anymore.You dont continue to lie,cheat and move out on your spouse every few months and expect it to all be fine and for HER to fix it all.He really is clueless.Dont stay in a marriage in which you are being abused.Get out.Even if you stay separated but remember,you are still married and have no right seeing others.No other relationships just cause you are separated.It give you time to think and pray even more so and do what God wants you to do. Dont worry about them.You need to worry about yourself.It matters where we as individuals stand.They will answer for their own wrong doings.God sees them and you.It does no good to run. You are running from God.Again,from experience,please dont stay in an abusive relationship.Its not worth it.Its not worth your life.You need to step up and move on .Keep your eyes focused on God and what He wants for YOU.
I agree that a lifelong commitment to marriage is taken lightly by so many now. Personally, I have a problem even with divorce being ok for unfaithfulness. If the partner refuses to change their ways and walks away, that is one thing. But as Christians, our goal is to be Christ like. I have never known Christ to not forgive. Sure there are consequences to our sin, but as our Bridegroom, He always takes us back. I believe that this should apply in marriages too. If the partner who has committed adultery is willing to change, I think the other partner has no choice but to forgive and take their partner back. I have seen too many times when the “innocent” partner will justify the divorce even though the “guilty” partner has changed and wants to put the marriage back together. The “innocent” partner usually isn’t completely innocent! There were problems in the marriage that led the other partner to look elsewhere. It takes 2 to make a marriage and it takes 2 to break a marriage! Stay committed!!!
That answers part of a question I have had for a long time about my sister’s marriage. So she shouldn’t divorce him. However, she is in a relationship where he is an alcoholic and refuses to get help. He has been arrested several times, had her car impounded more than once, and is causing her financial ruin, not to mention all of the heartache of a one-sided love. She cannot force him to get help. The law tried to force him to AA, but that didn’t work. He is awaiting sentencing on his most recent DUI in which he lost her car(without a license). To say the very least, it is an unhealthy marriage that should have never happened in the first place. But it did. So now what? Is she just stuck for the rest of her life because she knowingly went against the advice of everyone she knew and married someone she thought she could fix but can’t?
So many people in the comments are stressing over abusive relationships and other possible exceptions to the “adultery only” rule. Perhaps Matthew 5:28 will be helpful: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” If the wife sees her husband looking at another woman lustfully, then it is clearly OK for her to divorce him and remarry. This might also be helpful in the case where the husband discovers his wife is a lesbian.
I wholeheartedly agree that “falling out of love” is one of the most selfish reasons to get a divorce. People live in a throw away society and it only seems it’s getting more acceptable.
My word on abuse: Have you ever gotten into a car only to realize the person is a drunk lunatic? Begging to be let out before you die in a car crash while the driver laughs and continues to drive faster and more erratic? Honestly, I don’t know if cheating is worse.
Also, I am not an expert such as Mark, but could there ever be a possibility that not all the words of Jesus were recorded?
Thank you – I agree with you totally.
I think this is an outstanding article. Well said. How great to see a MAN call MEN to their responsibility. I think an additional topic of issue is defineing “adultry”. I have read Christian material that states that a spouse viewing pornography is adultry,and therefore a means of “escape” from marriage. I would be curious as to what you, Mark, think of this. If a wife in your church came to you wanting your blessing to divorce her porno pervert husband, would you give it to her?
Adultery according to Mark’s definition is actual sexual intercourse.
So using the mouth or hands to bring another person to orgasm doesn’t count; thanks for the clarification. Where does anal sex fit in?
Whoa! I think I just walked into something I wasn’t intending to with my answer! Look, if you are behaving in sexual ways with another person other than your spouse–be it anal sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, heavy petting, making out, etc, it is ALL WRONG. What I was alluding to is that he doesn’t consider “emotional” affairs or sexual thoughts the same as adultery. Many people email asking if they have grounds to divorce based on the fact that their spouse had an emotional attachment or was communicating personally with someone on Facebook, emails or texts. That is what I incorrectly assumed you were asking. My mistake. If a person is married they are supposed to steer clear of any of this…Jesus said that even if you look at a woman with lust in your heart you have committed adultery, so obviously it’s not ok to engage in any of this other stuff. Our culture has defined sex by only intercourse and all the rest of it isn’t supposed to be and that is NOT what Mark says. I am sorry I was thinking along another line when I replied the first time! Hope this clears it up!
Thank you very much, Diane, but I’m afraid I’m still confused. I was the one who originally quoted Matthew 5:28 about lust in the heart being adultery, but you responded that Mark considers only sexual intercourse to be adultery. When I asked for clarification about what constitutes sexual intercourse, you went back to lust in the heart being adultery, which was what I said originally that I gather you didn’t agree with. Would you mind telling us clearly and explicitly what an aggrieved spouse must know that their adulterous spouse has done in order to have the right to be remarried by Mark? If it’s lust in the heart, then pornography or sexual thoughts about anyone other than the spouse certainly count. If it’s intercourse only, then what’s his definition of intercourse? Thanks in advance, and my apologies for being so dense.
You aren’t dense…your question was just taken wrong by me because so often people will use the pornography or “my spouse was looking at another” to justify divorce. Jesus did say that looking at a woman lustfully is committing adultery in your heart. He also said that if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off….but we don’t go around doing that, right?! If lustful thought constitute committing adultery in your heart, then being angry or hating someone is the same as committing murder, but we aren’t locking people in prison because of it, right?! Jesus said you had done it in YOUR HEART….not in actuality. When Jesus was talking about divorce for reasons of sexual immorality, that actually meant sexual intercourse/fornication. The word Jesus used in the Greek was porneia and this is the meaning from the lexicon:
1) illicit sexual intercourse
a) adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals etc.
b) sexual intercourse with close relatives
c) sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman
Divorce for the reason of adultery was when someone ACTUALLY committed the act of fornication. Are you following the idea here? Again, when you asked the original question about what is adultery….I read between the lines and thought you were looking for the ACTUAL definition not adultery of the heart explanation. I was not limiting adultery to simply vaginal penetration.
YES, if people look at porn, have thoughts about how sexy the neighbor is, or become over-involved with another emotionally, etc….that IS adultery in your heart, it is sin and it is wrong, but it is NOT grounds for divorce. What Mark is talking about when he speaks of remarrying a person in his church, he is looking to see if the reason for the divorce was that adultery was committed by the other spouse–that means fornication and not an emotional affair, just a kiss, etc. EVEN in this case, if the betrayed spouse is left with children from the marriage, Mark HIGHLY recommends waiting until the children are grown…but that’s a whole other blog post! Now, there can be a grayish area…for instance, if the person is involved in an “everything but penetration” type affair and then they are trying to say “I didn’t commit adultery” that is just legalistic….I hope you are getting the point here.
If you haven’t listened to any of Mark’s radio shows where he discusses this, you should. He explains it very well! Bottom line of this whole blog “When is is Adultery?” is not to look at EVERY detail of EVERY situation and say divorce is ok, here, but not ok there. The point is to get people to consider the question: WHEN is it adultery?? Because it seems like churches and Christians divorce on a whim for every silly and small reason under the sun, remarry, then act like it’s no big deal. Hope this makes it a little clearer. Like I posted earlier today, we will discuss the finer points of this subject on an upcoming radio show and will let readers of this blog know what date that will air. This post really raised a lot of questions and it will be great to have Mark address the whole concept!
I basically agree with your “when is it adultery” article. I agree that divorce is allowed for sexual unfaithfulness, I would like you to share the verse that, after such a divorce, there is allowance for remarriage that does not involve adultery.
“I do think adultery is a real deal breaker and the bible clearly makes accommodation for it. Other than this, I tend to be very conservative on this and in my church, but for a marriage that ended because of adultery committed against them, I will not remarry a person. (Unless it’s back to their original spouse, which I have actually done!) They can go somewhere else and find someone else to marry them.”
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t marry someone who has been divorced because of adultry committed against them. What if the offending party did not truly have a repentant heart? Will you explain? Thank You and God Bless your ministry
Mark says he will not remarry a person unless the adultery was committed against them….that means the faithful spouse. That’s what “but for a marriage that ended because of adultery committed against them” means.
This subject is one that has weighed on my mind heavily, and this article only served to weigh me down more. At 18, I married the man of my dreams. At 19, I had our first child. For the 7 years we were married I worked full time the whole time to keep our family alive. I stood by my husband through unemployment, surgeries, medical treatment that turned him into a monster. I tired all I could think to to keep things together. But as time wore on, he became more and more unstable. The mental, emotion, and yes even spiritual abuse became so bad I quite literally wanted to die. No matter what I said or did, there was no love or compassion from him. He had a temper and a fasination with guns and knives. After on explosive episode I realized I couldn’t do this to me or my daughter anymore, and threw him out. For 2 months after that I left the door open for him to show he wanted to make the effort to change, if anything he was worse. After I filed the papers, there was 3 months until it would be final- it could be withdrawn anytime up to the day of finalization- no change. So finalized them and tried to pick the picese back up. Its been a long ride since then. But I did find a true friend in all of it, someone who had been right in front of me for years. Over time we found there was so much between us that we’d never considered. 6 months ago we married.
As a result of all I’ve gone through my faith has been broken beyond recognition. My ex used our wedding vows as a open statement to treat me however he pleased- it said for better or worse, doesn’t matter how worse he makes it, and a backhanded threat- it says until death do us part. He never bothered with where the bible talked about how to treat a wife, no he could do as he pleased and I should take it, even if the process was killing my very soul. Once free, as much as one can be when there is a child involved, I deeply wanted a healthy home and family for my daughter. I wanted someone to love me who I could love in return, someone to share this journey in life with. And I found him. But now, this article, like so many other things I’ve come across, tells me I’m an adultress. And I’m not clear on Mark’s stance on what position the individual marrying the divorced woman- who he himself has never been married- is in if he too is committing adultry, but many have said that’s the case. If that’s true, then I find myself falling further from faith. To say because the man I made my vows to, for all intent and purposed, died when he started those pain drugs that forever changed him into someone I don’t know, but his physical being remained, my desire for love and a healthy love for my daughter to see and grow to expect when she chooses to marry is adultry, I am lost…
I totally agree with this article. Divorce has become common among christians. Sadly I will be divorcing my husband of 12 yrs because he has been seeing another woman for the past 5 yrs of our marriage. We finally seperated @ 17 months ago. Even though we discussed prior to getting married that divorce would not be an option my husband has told me that he never loved me nor wanted to marry me. He also said that he’s married to the wrong person and believes God doesn’t want him married to someone he doesn’t love. And he still hasn’t filed for divorce. He’s actually dating someone at his church where he is an elder. The pastor there encouraged him in his message “Are you married to the wrong person”. I would love to be reconciled but he’s told me that he’s not interested. I’d rather see him free of sin so I’m going to file for the divorce myself. Thanks for taking a stand. By the way I was 40 yrs old when I got married for the 1st time. I was unable to have any children. I’m guessing that may have worked out for my good too.
I am a man and I do believe that what Jesus said about adultery to be true.
I have been married and divorced then remarried whilst serving the Lord.
My question is “What about the kids?”
What sort of an upbringing would they receive should I have stayed in the home and suffer verbal and physical abuse.
I left because that was what was happening and my kids were relieved I took a stand.
Sometimes I have difficulty in understanding God’s word when it comes to that. ‘Suffer the little children come unto me’
I am very happy now with a new partner and my kids are happy to. Before this they were headed for some serious mental problems.
Dennis
This entry, regarding divorce and remarriage being considered adultery, is so very disturbing to me that I would like to discontinue my association with this website. I am divorced from an alcoholic. My ex-husband’s alcoholic behavior very significantly damaged my children. I stayed in a very bad marriage for 20 years in an attempt “to do the right thing”. It was a tragic mistake for my children and for myself. I am remarried to a wonderful man and I am certainly NOT COMMITTING ADULTERY! Please remove my email address from your distribution list immediately.
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!! clap – clap – clap!
Well done Mark, thankyou – it is about time someone
preached the truth and said it like it is (in the bible)
I am sick & tired of people not willing to fight for their marriages & take the easy way out.
Unfortunately today we have well know preacher & leaders
who have not shown a great example in this area.
This has taught those people who look to man & not God, that if
its ok for them, then its ok with me, thanks Mark, bless you – regards Lara
I agree with your thoughts on “When it’s Adultry” I have been married to my husband for 21 years. I have really fought for my marriage for the past three years. It’s been really rough dealing with physical and verbal abuse at times and my husband had an emotional affair with a woman a year ago. I know for a fact that if I had not stuck all this out with my husband that I would not be the woman I am today in Him. I am still praying that my husband, who has walked away from the Lord, would come back to Him. What a testimony that our Lord will use! I know from experience that we can’t put the Lord in a “box.” I have friends that have told me to leave my husband and that I’m crazy. The fact is the Lord has NOT told me to leave my husband. I can’t live by the world standards and what my friends tell me. I’m serving a God that wants to see this marriage through to completion and I need to wait for His timing, NOT mine. Blessings on you.
I agree with Sue Kelly who commented below. When one spouse completely checks out and the other spouse is abused whether verbally or physically, I can not and will not believe that our God will look down and say that this is not reason for divorce. When a spouse/father decides that he is going to live his life however he wants with no responsibilities and not have to pay for the consequences, don’t tell me that being an Adulterer is worse. I wish that all he had done was cheat on me. I would still have my home, the love of my children and we would be together, and I would not be so in debt that I can’t see the end because of his carelessness. And he gets away with it because society and our Christian community do not hold men accountable. It is the women and children who suffer. I did know that when I said “I do” that it was forever, and I gave of myself till there is nothing left. And he gets off scott free!
I totally agree with your post on adultery. It is so refreshing to hear someone speak up truthfully on this subject. Thank you for your stand!
I believe Christ’s command is for Christians only. But that leaves me with a lot more questions.
If two Christians divorce and one gets remarried, does that free up the other to do the same? Most people say, “yes”. But isn’t the line crossed when partner 1 is sexually active with someone other than the former partner?
Which of us want to ask the question? “Is your former spouse to your knowledge sexually active?”
That is a really good question!
For all of the comments regarding abuse or other extremely bad behavior by one spouse, please read Mark’s article on separation. He does NOT advocate divorce, but is a HUGE proponent of separation. He does NOT believe that a spouse should stay in the house and just take it from a person who is hurting them or behaving in atrocious ways toward their spouse and/or children. Click here to read the article on separation.
my soon to be exwife has found her 2nd boy friend on facebook in a year and has gone to be with both . can i ever remarry i tried marrage conceling 6 times in 18 years. and still she went out side the marrage how do i be a good christain and get on with my life i dont want to be lonely and a have a lot of love to offer the right trust worthy christain lady
My husband committed adultery 30 years ago and he divorced me.
I was quite young then – only 32 and had 4 children. I desperately wanted to remarry, but left the choice in God’s hands. I have never remarried and not even been on a “date” in the 30 years I have been alone!! It has been very,very tough at times, but the example of my life seems to indicate that God does not want us to remarry!!
I agree with your sentiments 100%. Jesus said:” If you love Me, you will keep my commandments.” (All of them)
I was re-married just over a year ago. I’ve been going to another church almost 3 years ago, and starting to be asked to sing again, and do some things in the church. I have this guilt inside cause I was rasied very strick on divorce and pretty much get the impression from close family that I’m now “damaged goods.” Not sure if I should do anything in a church again based on being divorced. Just wanting to know your Biblical opinion on what you feel I could start doing in my church?
Mark does not reply directly to questions on this blog.If you are looking for Mark’s answers to your questions, please check out his daily radio show, The Mark Gungor Show, and send your questions to radio@markgungor.com to be considered on the radio program.