When Is It Adultery?
by Mark Gungor on August 3rd, 2010Is what Jesus said true? Seems like a pretty straight forward question. Born again Christians who believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God would quickly give an emphatic “yes” as an answer. But I would like to challenge believers in an area where they say Jesus’ words are true but aren’t necessarily living like it. It’s a rather sad indictment on Christianity today that we even have to ask: Is what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage being adultery true? What’s more shocking is that almost no one I ask seems to be able to give an answer to the question!
Divorce is common among people in churches today. Statistically, divorce is occurring among believers at the same rate as non-church couples—actually at an even higher rate than atheists! Christians are most often divorcing not because of an affair or sexual unfaithfulness but for any reason under the sun—everything from “my spouse isn’t meeting my needs” and “he/she isn’t my soul mate” to “we just can’t get along”. Sometimes very strict churches will take a real hard line and say that you can never remarry after divorce or else it’s adultery. They maintain that you must live alone for the rest of your life, no matter the circumstances, even if a person was divorced prior to becoming a believer. Undoubtedly, people have been hurt by that rigid stand.
If you read the bible, you’ll see that Jesus was actually very strong on this. He said if a man divorces his wife for any other reason but sexual unfaithfulness and she marries someone else, she commits adultery. That’s pretty strong. The fact that people apply that with no exception, even to those who made the decision to divorce when they were not believers, is pretty harsh. But that’s not the common practice in most churches today.
Most churches are not taking the extremely strict stand on divorce and remarriage. In fact, too many don’t take any stand. What I see as a bigger problem, and occurring more often, is that now you can get divorced and remarried for any and every reason—biblical or not. I think the casualness churches treat marriage with is wrong. People divorce their spouse, then they just move on to the next person and the church remarries them as if it’s no problem. To me it’s like a version of wife swapping and the church just smiles and thinks it’s no big deal. We’ve gone to the other extreme on this and it needs to be dealt with.
So when is remarriage adultery?
Remember, Jesus said remarriage in situations other than when sexual unfaithfulness has occurred, is indeed adultery. My question to churches is: When is that true for Christians today? When is what Jesus said ever true when it comes to the revolving door of marriage among believers? I’m concerned that there are so many excuses and exceptions that divorce and remarriage is not considered adultery in any situation. Today there are so many exceptions that we end up invalidating the very words of Christ. I do think adultery is a real deal breaker and the bible clearly makes accommodation for it. Other than this, I tend to be very conservative on this and in my church, but for a marriage that ended because of adultery committed against them, I will not remarry a person. (Unless it’s back to their original spouse, which I have actually done!) They can go somewhere else and find someone else to marry them.
What about…
People will come up with all kinds of scenarios and ask me the question, “What about domestic violence or abuse? Or alcoholism?” Look, I’m not God and everyone has to deal with their own conscience on this. But again, here we get into this area of excuses and exceptions. Do you really think there was no such thing as men hitting their wives in Jesus’ day? Then why didn’t he mention that excuse? Women say, “I’m divorcing my husband’s because he’s an alcoholic”. Do you really think people we’re alcoholics in Jesus’ day? Come on, we’re talking about over two thousand years ago when people were pretty barbaric. You think our culture is bad now? It was worse then! According to Jesus, there was only one excuse…that was sexual unfaithfulness.
Now, all kinds of people have been remarried in these types of “non-adultery” situations—do I think they’re all doomed? No. Are they supposed to divorce the new spouse because it’s not according to the bible? Certainly not. There is no way to go back and unscramble all the eggs, but I think as Christians the ideal is to follow God’s word, stop all the divorcing, and do it right in the first place. Then it wouldn’t even be an issue!
People make mistakes
I totally understand that people make mistakes, often times before they were saved and came to Christ. Then later they become born again, have repented, they are part of the church, and are serving Jesus. That’s a completely different scenario and of course God’s love and grace are greater than virtually any situation. My concern is that Christians use grace as a license to do what’s wrong and then they think, “God will just forgive me.” Yes, God forgives, but Paul writes in the bible and says we should not use grace as an excuse to do the wrong thing. I’m afraid that’s where we’re at in the church today.
A standard needs to be set
Truly, at some point, a standard needs to be set. I think churches have virtually no standard anymore and we need to start taking this very seriously. When you say “I do”, it means you did—till death do you part. We must realize that there is a biblical standard that has been ignored and it’s time for the Church to quit treating it so casually and answer the looming question: When is what Jesus said ever true? If we can’t even answer the question, we are in a really bad place.
Mark talks sense – you don’t have to assume balack and white here, it’s just huidance! And guidance that “marriage is for life” is a good place to start, even for abusive relationships – not as licence for the abuser to carry on regardless, but to allow the chance for him/her to choose to change.
If someone is being physically abused I think there must be a (hopefully temporary) separation (not divorce.) I don’t think Jesus meant us to “put up” with anything so bad and sometimes there are other ways of dealing with a relationship problem other than walking out, but I do advocate walking out on physical abuse.
This is all way before any talk of divorce. In every bad situation the abusing spouse has one choice – work on solving the problem in this marriage or find another partner. If they would rather find another partner (i.e. adultory is committed) the abused spouse is entitled to a divorce (or would it be annulment?)
If no adultory is committed, but the couple choose not to live together, then nevertheless they have to stay married – maybe sad for the one that wouldn’t otherwise choose to live alone, but if a marriage is for life, that’s what it means!
In every case of “abuse” other than physical abuse, I think that if you are married you should live together, but that doesn’t mean putting up with a bad marriage – it just means that in a bad marriage, repairing the relationship should be the number one priority until you have restored your faith that your marriage will last for life. (That doesn’t mean you will be ecstatic all the time, it just means that you stop considering divorce as a possible answer to the marital problems!)
Have just now read through all the previous comments – msg to moderator: is there a way to flag up Mark’s article on separation nearer the top of this blog?!
I posted it as a reply to the very first comment on the blog!
Because of the flurry of responses and comments on this topic, Mark will address it on an upcoming episode of his radio program. We will post the date the show will air and the link to the archive so everyone can listen to what he has to say on this topic.
Mark, you are right on target.. sadly…Marriage today is sometimes entered into as a temporary option that legitimizes relationships in the eyes of the church. God never means for anyone to be promiscuous, let alone to be unfaithful to their mates…
because there are so many consequences to having more than one spouse, but when a spouse is unfaithful, there are physical dangers in even reconciling with them. STD’s etc
As God’s word states… the offended party is “better off to remarry, than to burn”- GOD can surely change hearts, as well as lifestyles, but for every rule, commandment, or instruction in God’s word there are REASONS behind it that are based on WISDOM FROM ABOVE. God not only knows the hearts…. HE knows the outcome of sin… and the impact on everyone involved! So continue to instruct people to SEEK HIS WILL, live life HIS WAY, and allow HIM to guide their futures to fulfill HIS plans for their lives.. HE has promised WISDOM to all who will ask. Keep asking, for your instructions are certainly from HIM! God Bless you! Joy Barber
I would say that you have a incredible website. Very informative. My (NOW) husband and I saw you last year at Lancaster Mennonite High School. I loved every minute of it and he enjoyed it as well. He is still extremely mentally and verbally abusive to me. I understand what you are saying about back in the day…..In jesus day…..things were alot worse….I still do not think that any man has the right to put his hands on a woman….Wife or not….I am trying to find out what it says in the bible about abuse……I am getting to the point of losing myself…I feel like I am goin to have a nervous breakdown. I don’t know what to do. I sure as heck do not think that I can keep on staying married to a man whom does nothing but put me down and torture me all the time. HE has a huge problem with PORN. I have caught him 6 times already. He has done nothing but lie to me most of the time. Lastly, I just wanted to say that you have been of some comfort to me. May God bless you and all of your family
Please read Mark’s article on Divorce or Separation. You need to do something before your “give a damn is busted” as Mark says. Please get help from your family, friends, pastor or counselor to deal with this situation.
Isn’t porn being unfaithful?! Jesus said if you look at a women you have committed adultery so would this permit divorce in grounds of unfaithfulness?!?!?
My wife left me three months ago. Well, physically anyway. She had told me before she left that in the past couple of months she had kissed four different men while she was out dancing with her friends. She also was having a relationship with another man that she says hadn’t gotten sexual, though she says they had kissed also. I begged her to stay and try to work out our problems, but she said she no longer loves me and just asked me to let her go and make things easy for her. I had caught her in a few lies and am not sure if she’s telling me the truth about how far over the line she has gone with these men. I’m deeply hurt and saddened and am wandering aimlessly through my broken heart. When I ask her if she want’s a divorce she tells me she’s just taking things one day at a time. I didn’t want a divorce at all at first, but the longer she’s gone the more I think I want one. Am I wrong to want a divorce ? We also have two wonderful kids that are living with me. She cheated once before about seven yrs. ago. After our son was born. I don’t think I can go through it another time. I want to obey the word of the Lord, but I’m very confused. Your prayers would be appreciated.
Please read Mark’s article on separation….I think it will help you understand that there is another option besides jumping straight to divorce. Here is the link: Divorce or Separation
You also need to get some help….have you talked to your pastor? Family? Friends? A counselor? Please seek out the guidance of someone who can help you walk through this challenging time.
What Jesus says is true all the time, in every generation. I have been in that situation. My first husband abandon me and had an affair with another woman. One year separation later, he refuse to reconcile, requested me to divorce him or he would divorce me. He married his mistress; lived with her for 16 years now their divorce. He has now married his third wife twice. I married again. I’ve been with him for the past 35 years. God’s way is always right.
My husband was thinking to have divorce. We are both christian believers. We are still living together but I found out that he was looking for another woman in the internet. Did he already committed for aldultery? I still love him but it was huts me too much.
Thanks for taking a stand, Mark! BTW, our Sunday School married couples class showed your “Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage” DVD series a few years back……it totally helped my husband and I to understand each other and communicate better and all while having so much fun laughing!
I appreciate your ministry!
Unfortunately I’m separated from my 3rd husband but agree totally with what you say. So many of us NEED HELP. Our lives are so wishy-washy. We don’t ahve a lot of success understanding the Bible and the ‘heads’ of so many churches are more mixed up than us. There is a way to stand firmly on the Word of God without ‘destroying’ our ‘brother/sister’ in the process. There is so much false teaching out there and most of us are so blind already, it’s really hard to ‘see’ that what we’re being ‘fed’ is rather toxic to our ‘health’. Even the mature .. aren’t! I think a huge cry for help to God is definitly necessary!
What if you are suspecting adultery but the other spouse denies it. Even after separating, there are clues but nothing obvious. What do I do?
Awesome article! Having gone through a very unwanted and extremely painful divorce recently this article set off some emotions in me. The ironic part my husband, of 25 years, thinks God is ok with this. He reasons that I am stronger in my faith and that he is happier now than he has been in a long time. What amazes me is that while he is happy he has left his wife and family dealing with the destruction. I will continue to instill in my kids(23,20,15) that divorce is wrong and it is a promise and covenant with God. I am determined to break this cycle of broken marriages. This does not have to be their legacy! It is very hard for them to understand how their dad could walk away and think it is ok. If we were walking with the Lord during our whole marriage we would not be divorced. But we both found the Lord about 5 years ago…my faith has only strengthened during this time. I pray that one day he will wake up and see what his decisions based on pride and his search for his own happiness have done. Our marriage wasn’t a strong one and went through MANY storms but divorce wasn’t the answer and God does not think it is ok!
Because of all the wrong interpretations of the Bible millions are living in sin by staying married to a partner the shares nothing with them.
Separating and never marrying is also wrong because of our natural human needs. Maybe this is why we have so many single parent children and persons turning to homosexuality.
I was a Catholic and changed my religion 35 years ago to Islam and Islam allows divorce even though it should be avoided as much as possible. Having that choice has not changed my mind on working hard to save your marriage, at best it has made me respect marriage more.
I hope one day Christian Churches accept divorce so couples can live happier lives with more time to spend on their faith instead of thier domestic problems.
Mark, I love your CDs and respect the assistance you are giving many in their daily lives.
I´m a catholic beliver, married during the last 20 years in my second marriage and four wonderful children, three of the first and one from the second. While Í agree whith Mark concepts, I just would like to add a couple of ideas.
First, I really think that problems that leads to finish with marriages are only results of bad choices. When we establish a relationtship, looking forward to marriage, we usually do not go in deep to find out answers to important questions, such as: who I am? what do I want? what I´m willing to give in the long therm to this relationship? ¿how many children we want to have? ¿do we want childern at all? ¿who is the person that I´m intended to marry? ¿what does he/she wants?, and such. It´s incredible that modern relationship jumps from the moment their meet, to the bed and in a few weeks, to the weeding having only in between some nice weekends, spending time together in the movies, or wiht other people but not knowing each other. So I think besides to debate in divorce, we need to debate in prevention as well.
The other thing, is an idea that as superficial at it seems, and even would sound as an excuse, can be valid. Let us think for a minute that love, being a living entity can die as well. Because love death, or wath we tought or belived that was love, lead the couple to all those behaviors including unfathfulness, phisical or psicological abuse, and so on.
Since you do not fall in love with who you want, you can not promise that your love will last forever as you can not promise that you will live forever; love will live live in the measure that you take care of it, that you nurture it, and even so, there will always be the risk of losing it.
So, what happens it what takes the couple appart is not the death of the body but the death of love? Are we faling to observe the word of Jesus?
Thanks to Mark and all of you for your comments. And sorry for my english; is not my first language.
100% right, most of us so called b.a christians are takin Gods mercy for granted.
The radio show discussing this will air Monday, January 24th. You can listen at 10 am CST to the stream at http://www.markgungorshow.com or anytime after that via the archives or podcast on iTunes.
Please capitalize “Bible” It’s the Holy Word of God and is worth of distinction as such. Not capitalizing Bible makes it seem like it’s just an ordinary book, much like the phone book. It’s a bit offensive and it distracted me from your message.
ADULTERY IS ADULTERY. I WAS ONCE TOLD THAT IF YOU HAVE TO HIDE SOMETHING THEN YOU KNOW IT IS WRONG. THERE CAN BE NO GOOD COME OUT OF CHEATING. IT BREAKS HOMES, LIFES, AND HEARTS. BESIDES, GOD SAID NO!.
This scripture has been one that God has been speaking to me about over the last few months. I was married to a man who began a relationship with a female co-worker (non-sexual, but emotional). He subsequently left me and my children. About 5 years later I became a Christian and have been serving in my local Church.
I recently went thru the breakdown of an engagement and afterward I was seeking God about my future and if there would be a man in my life. It has been my desire for as long as I can remember to be married and have a family. My children are both teens now, but I was still hoping for another baby or babies. At this point of questioning God, I came to a point of surrender, and said to God that while this dream is something I have held onto my whole life, and while my desire for that is strong, above all else I want His perfect will for my life. When I prayed that, the scripture about adultery came to me. I now believe I am called to be single, to not remarry.
I totally agree with your stance on marriage after divorce, except in the grounds of unfaithfulness. I was a non-Christian at the time of my divorce, and in an emotional sense my husband was unfaithful. However, I feel that Jesus’ words are truth and he did not say that this was only applicable for believers.
And can I say that at that point of surrender, when I gave that dream to Him, He took away that desire. Yes I still have bad days, yes there are times I look at married couples and wish it were different for me – but ultimately I want God’s PERFECT will for my life. I believe I could re-marry, but I would be missing out on what God has planned for me. And is there anything better than God’s way? Seriously, Jesus said “I am the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE”. He lived as a single man – it can be done, and it’s not the end of the world!!
Great comment, Alison!! Thanks for posting this!
What Jesus said is true, always. period.
As far as divorce goes, I think it shouldn’t be an argument. Get into the Word, pray for a deeper understanding and build your relationship with God, through Jesus Christ, and God will speak to your heart and guide your actions IF you let them. He sent the Holy Spirit to live in us for a reason, it’s one of the ways he communicates with us. Jeepers! read, listen(the Greek meaning of the word) and pray!
Thank you, Mark, for taking this stand. I’ve wondered for years why Jesus’ words are ignored when it comes to divorce and remarriage.Forgiveness is readily available, and I’ve seen couples dramatically healed when they ask for it; but the blatant refusal to admit they’ve done anything wrong is puzzling.It’s like the kid with chocolate all over his face refusing to admit he’s been in the cookies. If it’s natural to ask forgiveness for lying, stealing or cheating, why do we kick so hard against this sin? If we admit that remarriage was a sin and Jesus’ words are indeed valid, we open ourselves up to an abundance of blessing and forgiveness in the new marriage. How bad can that be?
I look at marriage as a place in which to share and express God’s love. What a great proving ground marriage is to see where we are living in accordance to how God says He loves us, or to find out we are living in our old selves, seeking our “delight” just here on earth, and in particular through our spouse.
Yes, there are lots of “bad” spouses out there – but what do you think made them that way?
Instead of just dumping them, what would it be like if the “hurt” spouse, the one to whom the offense was done, recommitted to the marriage and the other spouse, and instead of just throwing the spouse out, as I’m sure has happened before, they loved more? What if we showed God’s love and mercy (and in my dictionary Mercy is defined as: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm). Yes, the cheated or whatever, but instead of punishing them, wouldn’t compassion, “lump burning coals of shame on their head?”
I agree with your comments and how serious to take the marriage vow. However, there are other issues recorded in the Bible that divorce acceptable. When one partner is not “in Christ” and wants to leave the marriage, they can without punishing the other partner.
It is not good for man to be alone and a help mate was created by God. Divorce is a sin and God hates divorce. But God hates all sin. Divorce is very obvious to everyone as it was in Christ’s time. When the Pharisees presented Jesus with a women taken in Adultery (the very act) they asked Jesus if they could stone her. His answer is very illuminating. He who is without sin can cast the first stone. They all left. The only one qualified to stone this woman was Jesus and he forgave her with the warning not to continue sinning. He was there to teach us a lesson and for many that lesson goes right over their heads.
He who is without sin can cast the first ‘judgement’ stone. Be careful if you too are a sinner, for with what judgement you render, you will receive.
Tom
Let the unbeliever leave doesnt mean leave the unbeliever
And. God hates divorce “BUT” God hates all sin is meaningless rationalization
I totally agree with what you say. I am the recipient of a divorce myself. My husband cheated with many married women and I stayed in the marriage praying and believing that God would change the marriage. I learned that God can only change someone if that someone wants to change. I hate divorce because it is like death but the corpse is still walking around and if children are involved it is even more difficult. People need to understand the devestation that divorce causes even if it is for adultry. It is so hard to accept the rejection that comes along with divorce. People need to understand that God is trying to protect us when He tells us what to do. He doesn’t want to take away our fun. Just the opposite He wants us to be each other’s best friend. If divorce is inevitable, He wants us to work our way out so that there is no remorse for walking away from a spouse who is unwilling to change. The pain doesn’t get any better even though you know you have to get out because NOBODY deserves to be treated like trash one minute and loved the next. No matter how old kids are divorce is devestating to them as well. LOVE YOUR KIDS BY LOVING THEIR PARENT AND TAKE CARE OF THE MARRIAGE FOR EVERYONE’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW…yessss!! Thank you for bringing this out into the open. I don’t know of a church that takes what Scripture says and holds to it on this topic.
Read the comments….women asking “isnt this a good enough reason, isnt that a good enough reason”
The more “relational” gender, the ones who are held up as the caring ones, they buy the books they see the troubles first…etc etc funny they are the ones filing 70% of divorces?
WHY?
Unless and until the church speaks directly to women and theor roles in divorce in addition to the admonishment of men which is already done, in other words speak to BOTH genders, nothing is going to fix this problem.
Want to test my theory?
Start a conversation about limiting no fault divorce on a Christian forum of men and women….the women will go apoplectic against limiting divorce and the men will favor strengthening the laws. Reality is 180 degrees from conventional wisdom
I have and believe what you are saying is true and biblical. But I keep hearing all the talk about not getting divorced or how weak churchs are in this. But what about people like me who are Christian, born again..blood bought, going to Church and have remarried? I don’t hear hardly any preaching, guidance for those of us who are moving forward in our new relationship after being re-married? I have been blessed cause I have already been grounded in the Bible my whole life and through the grace of God kept moving on in a Church. But a lot of churches seem to not have a ministry for those of us who are re-married..and because of that look to other non-christian based “programs” for acceptance, then lose their way. Can you put a message together for those of us in this catagory? I know the Lord can and is still using my wife and I in our re-marriage. Thank you