The Damage of Sexual Promiscuity
by Mark Gungor on March 16th, 2009Giving People the Full Story
Not everyone who has sex gets pregnant. Not everyone who has unprotected sex gets AIDS or other STDs. Yet enough do that we take great lengths to warn people of the potential dangers. Sadly, little has been said of the danger of how pre-marital sex can negatively affect people for the rest of their lives.
The Potential Damage
Some years ago, while doing some video taping of cranes in the wild from a helicopter, I learned of how these birds “imprint” when they are first born. In other words, whatever creature they first interact with after birth, they assume it is their mother, even if it is a human. I immediately thought of what first-time sex does to a man. This overwhelming new experience IMPRINTS on him and he connects the context with the experience. Those who have their first sexual experience outside of marriage imprint on the lust of illicit sex – those who have their first sexual experience in the context of marriage imprint on the girl.
Consider scenario A:
Boy gets girl to let him fondle her in the back seat of a car. Soon he is undressing her. His heart is pounding as it becomes clear that she will allow him to have sex with her. The windows are steamed, he is now in a major hurry (lest she changes her mind or someone catches them). He experiences an adrenalin rush not unlike a thief experiences when he first steals or a thrill seeker gets when jumping from an airplane. He then enters her body and experiences his first sexual experience with a woman.
This incredible experience leaves a major “imprint” on him. Now (possibly for the rest of his life) he is likely to view sex in the context of “lust” and “naughtiness”. This is the man who will constantly be pushing his wife to try some outrageous new behavior, take sexual risks or constantly role-play – all in an attempt of re-living that experience that has had such a profound impact on his psyche. This is the guy who wants to “do it” in the elevator or in the backyard or in some semi-public place. This is the guy who needs his wife to pretend she is a cheerleader or a naughty nurse before he can get excited as he tries to re-create his sexual imprinting. He is not really interested in the girl; he is interested in the sex.
Now consider scenario B:
A man falls in love with a woman and asks her to marry him. His friends approve, his family approves, his co-workers approve. They all join in a concerted effort to make the event a success – planning, showers, and parties. They all come together in one gigantic effort to celebrate their approval of what he has chosen. They now gather in the presence of God, under the approval of his minister. They commit themselves before God and are then off for what will arguably be the biggest party of his life.
Then, with the joyous approval of every person important in his life, he takes his bride to their honeymoon suite and for the first time in his life – without the rush or fear of a back-seat encounter – he experiences the most wonderful sensation of his life as he enters his bride’s body and reaches his sexual peak.
He now ties EVERYTHING I just mentioned to that one girl – all the approval of his family, friends and coworkers, the church, the celebration, and most importantly, the incredible sensation he has just felt. All these elements join together and he IMPRINTS on the girl, for it is because of her and only her that he has just experienced the most wonderful day of his life.
Many would argue that this wedding day scenario would have the same effect with a guy who had already been having sex, but they would be wrong. NOTHING impacts a man like his first sexual experience.
If a man has his first sex outside of marriage, what he imprints on is the SEX – indeed, it becomes as if any woman willing to have sex with him would suffice. Many of these men later turn to illicit affairs or porn, fantasies and masturbation in a pathetic attempt to re-visit the experience to which they have forever imprinted upon. Women who marry such men can sense this and try desperately to get their man to focus solely on them. Sadly, it is a battle that most will lose. On the other hand, when a man has his first sexual experience in the context of marriage, he imprints on the GIRL, for she is the sole reason for his incredible experiences. Indeed, these men tend to marry once for life.
When I was growing up, boys were told to marry a virgin because the other girls were “damaged goods”. It very well may turn out, however, that it is the girls who should be careful to marry a virgin because it is sexually experienced men who can become the most “damaged”.
What about the girl…
The answer, of course, is that a woman also receives a great deal of damage from being sexually promiscuous, and her damage is both psychological and physiological. First the psychological damage:
When a woman experiences sex without commitment, she soon learns (falsely) that sex means little to nothing. Why? Because nothing happens as a result: no meaningful relationship ensues – he may never even call her or talk to her again. She has inaccurately learned that sex and commitment are two completely separate issues, which they are not. That is why so many married woman view sex as an unimportant side issue in marriage, when it is, in fact, a key and central issue to a successful marriage. God’s original plan was to use sex as the path to commitment. But because of promiscuity, she no longer views sex as a path to her husband’s commitment. On the contrary, she begins to demand that commitment BEFORE sex is granted, something he is not wired to do. The result is a relationship that struggles to succeed.
As for the physiological damage, science shows us that when a woman has sex with a man, a chemical called oxytocin is released into her system. Oxytocin is a neuro-peptide most commonly associated with pregnancy and breast-feeding. It seems to act as a human superglue and helps a woman bond with her infant. This chemical also helps a woman bond with her lover during sex. New scientific studies, however, suggest that if a woman has multiple sexual partners, this will lower her levels of oxytocin which in turn can inhibit her ability to bond to her husband. According to an article by Drs. John Diggs and Eric Keroack, “People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual.” [You can read the entire article at http://www.abstinence.net/library/index.php?entryid=344 ]
It is like taking a piece of strong packing tape and applying it to a box. Leave it alone, and it will hold that box together for decades and decades. Take it off and re-apply it and, well… it just doesn’t hold as well anymore. Keep taking it off and applying it a taking it off and applying it and… I think you get the idea. This is what can happen to a woman who has multiple sex partners.
The Boys are the Biggest Losers
Even though a woman also can suffer negative consequences from promiscuity, I believe that men can have the most to lose. Why? Because a sexually promiscuous woman, despite lowered levels of oxytocin and a less than positive attitude toward sex in general, still is internally wired to WANT to connect with her husband. Indeed, that desire is so strong, it causes her to fight through many of the negative side affects of her previous sexual experiences. A man, however, has no such natural “wiring”. If he fails to properly “imprint” and bond to the wife of his youth, he may spend the rest of his life in a disconnected state from her – indeed, from any woman. What he may do is attempt to re-connect with what he had imprinted on so many years earlier and foolishly turn to porn, affairs, lust, etc… All which can have severe negative consequences to his marriage.
Overcoming Sexual Damage
The degree of sexual damage people receive largely depends on the degree to which people become sexually involved before marriage, particularly if there are numerous sexual partners. It also can vary from person to person. For some who have had just a few consensual experiences, they may seem to carry little residual effects; while for others, even just one consensual experience can cause them to struggle later in their marriage. You can imagine the result if a person’s sexual experiences were not consensual as in rape or incest – it is likely that much more damage will have occurred.
The question now is: can a person who has been damaged have a meaningful sex life? Thankfully, the answer is yes, any person can have a wonderful sex life, but it will more likely come easier to those who waited until marriage. Those who did not may find they will have to work at it a lot harder.
Here’s an analogy I like to use: there are people who can seemingly eat anything they want and never gain any weight. Then there are those who allow themselves the slightest indulgence and they will gain a couple of pounds! What is the difference? One has a very different metabolism from the other.
So it is true with those who did not wait till marriage for sex – their “sexual metabolism” may be very different from those who did wait. Evidence shows that couples who wait until marriage report more satisfying sex lives than those who do not wait. And since sex is so important to the bonding of the couple, this is why couples who marry as virgins have a much lower divorce rate than those who did not wait. A couple whose only sexual experience has been with each other is much more likely to experience a natural “bonding” whereas those who have been promiscuous may find they will need to be much more intentional and deliberate in their approach to sex in order to bond.
Be Transformed
In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul gave us some very powerful advice that can help us overcome the negative effects of sexual damage.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. – Romans 12:2
So here we have the answer to the big question “How can I make things different?” The answer is “Change the way you think!” Quit thinking in the destructive patterns of our lust-driven culture and be transformed. Transformed not by special prayer or through being anointed by holy oil or holy water or by being touched by some holy preacher, but by the renewing of your mind. In other words, you need to change the way you think! You need to re-program the way you think about sex.
If you have imprinted on lust and find yourself constantly thinking in that way when you have sex with your spouse, you need to STOP it. Refuse to allow your thoughts to drift off to a “lust” context when having sex with your wife. You need to re-imprint on the girl you are married to. You need to key off of her and her alone.
May you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer–
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
- Proverbs 5:18 & 19
You may find, however, that re-training the way you think can be extremely difficult. You may even find that your sexual performance may get worse initially as you refuse to think those lustful thoughts that drove your erections in the past. But if you persevere, you will find your sexual energy will come roaring back and without the need for dirty thoughts that take you back to your early sexual encounters. You will find that your wife will be all you need in order for you to be sexually fulfilled. And you will find that the sex you experience without lust is multiple times more fun, exciting, and fulfilling than the kind of sex you try to re-play in your mind.
And as for you women who have falsely learned that “sex doesn’t mean anything”, you too must renew your minds. You need to change the way you think about sex. Sex is the key to a man’s heart and you need to view it that way. You need to go out of your way to notice the small ways your sexual interaction with your husband energizes and motivates him to want to connect with you in ways that are not sexual.
But do not kid yourselves – renewing your minds may prove to be one of the most difficult things you have ever undertaken. Ask God for his help and make a definitive decision that you will no longer live under the lies of your lust-driven past and that you will be transformed by thinking differently! Trust me when I tell you that the payoff is amazing and worth the effort.
In Conclusion
Outside of marriage, men tend to imprint on the lustiness of “naughty” sex. A man may try to re-live that in his marriage by fantasizing about other women while making love to his wife or by trying to guilt his wife into performing sexually in ways that she is not comfortable with, or by ignoring his wife altogether as he masturbates in a pathetic attempt to re-create his lustful fantasies. It would be better, however, for that man to stop trying to re-live his previous sexual experiences and force himself to intentionally focus on his wife, think about her, actually be with her, and not attempt to recreate the sexual exploits of his youth.
Outside of marriage, women tend to come away with an attitude that “sex doesn’t mean anything” when, if fact, it can mean everything when it comes to her husband truly bonding with her. She must now be much more deliberate in her approach to sex, having to continually remind herself that sex is a vital component for her marriage to thrive.
Can they have great sex now? Yes! But it may not come as easily to them if they had waited. And the greater the damage, the more effort it may take for the couple. (Boy, if anybody should warn their children about the negative possibilities of pre-marital sex it should be those who have experienced it first hand!)
Virtually anyone can still experience a wonderful sex life, but let’s stop pretending that sex before marriage is “no big deal” and start telling people the truth – for two reasons: 1) so that our kids can avoid the problem in the first place and 2) so those who have been negatively affected can learn how they can still succeed by changing the way they think about sex.
Always remember, God is not a prude. He does not tell us to avoid sexual promiscuity because he is somehow embarrassed about sex. He just knows how we are wired and wants us to experience the very best.
Mark Gungor
My church is enjoying your course!!! I want to share this portion, as it presents terms new to me. However, “imprinting” web references are not leading me toward Christian values. Is your article “The Damage of Sexual Promiscuity” simply subjective? Can you offer web data reference (scientific study explained in layman’s terms)? THANK-YOU!!!
Studies are just now being conducted that support Mark’s thoughts on this. Please check out this so
http://www.physiciansforlife.org/content/view/1492/36/
this is nothing new.
I saw a video back when I was in college (’02) of a man lecturing other college kids and he described the psychological/chemical bonding process between men and women during sex that was being studied by biologists and psychologists. and also how this bonding process breaks down more each time a person changes sex partners.
Since I had never heard these things before I was confused over the old style of clothes that were being worn. So I checked the box after class.
the video had been copy-writ in the late 80s!
GREAT stuff Mark! I love sharing your insights with my readers. Thank you for all you do. Such and important topic! I would love to get you out here for one of your events!
I am glad to see you teach against sex before marraige and that you believe in asking God for help. I am concernd however that you told a friend of mine that God does not direct us in affairs of the heart. ( finding a bride, etc). The bible teaches that God guides us in al things. JUdges 14:4 God guides Samson to a Philistine wife. Isaiah 31 Trust God not men. Proverbs 19:21 plans of man/ Gods counsel Proverbs 16 verse 1 God gives answers. Verse 9 God guides mans steps Verse 20 Heeding the Lord finds happiness. These are just a few examples. God guides us in all matters, the Bible says so hundreds of times
Two words: free will.
It is something that God gave us. And if we chose to ignore his direction, God, being the gentleman that he is, will not force us to do as he pleases. He offers us the way and the options – it us upon us to follow.
A lot of this makes actual scientific sense. I think you might reach a whole lot more people if you published this without the religious references. I know many people who would actually read it then. Just a thought.
http://www.breakpoint.org/listingarticle.asp?ID=11515
Please see this article for information on the book Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children, by Doctors Joe McIlhaney and Freda McKissic Bush. This is the science behind Mark’s argument.
This is a very interesting thought. I am not Christian, I am a Norse Heathen (which does not mean I am Godless) but I still love your insights and thoughts. On this in particular…my husband and myself are dealing with such a thing, a lot of sexual encounters for him before we met, and only a few for me. We have the problem of my husband not being interested at all in sex, and I can’t get enough of him, which causes me to want to stray (not that I have) and him to withdraw from me completely. Many arguments about this subject. Reading your article is very interesting in regards to my own situation, and I hope to hear more about it, and other topics. However, I hope someone non-religious would ever think of doing these kinds of seminar’s, as it is HARD for a Pagan such as myself to sit though the religious hype to get the great information you provide.
I am a Christian and I can tell you that even though Mark makes references to scripture at times, it is not something that is abundant in his seminars. I purchased his “Laugh your way to a better marriage” seminar and I can tell you that if you use his basic principles that don’t revolve around scripture, you to can have a better marriage.
Mark speaks about stuff like bartering with your husband. If you love sex and it’s not something he is interested in, then you find something he would like to do but wont because you don’t like it, or something to that effect. Then you barter with him. I will let you do “this” (the thing he likes to do) if you will have sex with me more often.
This is a very simplistic view of what he says in his seminars but it give you a basic idea. He is wonderful in his presentation and I believe this would even be something your husband would like.
And, If you want a taste of what his seminars are like, you can check out some show clips on his web site here or on Youtube.
Good luck and God bless.
I am teaching teeenagers on sex, relationships and marriage and I find this article very helpfut as it comes from my same perspective.
I would ask it you can document your findings so that I could share them with some veriviable credibilty. Could you provide me with that?
Thanks
Here is a new book that verifies this article Mark wrote:
Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney Jr.
As a teenager I was promiscuous and I totally agree that it does
leave a deep impression on your mind , soul and spirit. I lived with my daughter´s father, married another after him . After six years of healing the Lord sent me a wonderful christian man . I admit the first few years were very hard for the damage of the early promiscuity. Being a pastor´s wife was not easy because all the junk of the past affected our intamcy. I was his first he married damaged goods but he did not care and his love carried both of us many times. All in all God is the only one that can heal but having a loving and patient husband like the one God gave me well… words aren´t suffiecient to describe.
This is all true! I am desperately trying to get my husband to make love to me and to not treat me as a sex object!! I often tell him he is “masterbating on me to the sight of other women.” I want to be the only sexual being in his life, but the world is telling me this is not possible. This gives me hope that it truly IS possible, but I’ve got to find a way to get my husband to work on it!
“Mere heathen morality, and not Jesus Christ, is preached in most of our churches.” -George Whitefield
“A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.” – Matthew 7:18
Why is it the church is always preaching to evil tree’s telling them to produce good fruit!? An evil tree is incapible of producing good fruit. We don’t need to re-program the way we look at sex we need to reprogram the way we look at God. Because to love God is to HATE the things God hates. To love God is to hate SIN. The bible says the Gospel has the power to save (Rom 1:16).
The fear of the Lord will keep us from adultery, lust, fornication…Exodus 20:20 states “so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.”
The root of the problem isn’t the lack of understanding of how the sexual imprints of our brain function. The root of the problem is that we have so many people who will not die to sin.
The only way you can get teenagers to reserve sex until marriage is to convince teenagers to get married right away.
Nobody is going to save sex until marriage AND wait until the thirties to get married.
This is not necessarily true. Encouraging teens to get married right away is more likely to add to the divorce rate than anything else. At 19 I thought I was ready to get married and knew everything I needed to know about relationships. I am now 23 and have learned enough about relationships in 3-4 years to know that I knew nothing then…and still feel like I know nothing! I am so glad I did not get married at that young of an age. I know that it saved me unnecessary stress and heartache from the shock of being so ignorant/uninformed/unwise. And it allowed me to be a kid for a few more years, while I actually learned to be an adult on my own. (By the way, I’m still a virgin)
Even though waiting until 30 (or more) is NOT on my list of things I want to do in life, I will do so as long as I am not married. Although it hurts at times, I want to choose to honor God with my life more than I want to choose to give into selfish desires.
It has only been by the grace and strength of God that I have been able to remain sexually pure (of any form). I am as much human and full of fleshly desires as anyone else.
To anyone reading this: the mistakes you’ve made, it doesn’t matter to what degree, God can make you new again. God doesn’t measure sin, it’s all the same to Him. But He is so good that He can give you a fresh start and you don’t have to hang on to the identity of the choices you’ve made. If you’re a Christian, your identity is in what He thinks of you, not what YOU or anyone else thinks of you.
That is the way they did it in the past: They taught kids how to be ready for a permanent relationship by their teens and then married them off at the same time their hormones blossomed. I don’t know whether that was a good idea or not from a psychological perspective, but I can see the logic they used.
But I still think it’s a bit strong when you say “nobody”. I know people who have waited at least until 30 for their first sexual/marital bonding experience, and it seems to have been worth it for them.
(I myself am currently 24 and trying to figure out what to do with my own undirected hormones. My rough plan is to wait it out until I’m about 27 or 28, and if I’m still not married, I’ll see about surgically removing my sex drive so I can move on peacefully.)
Here are few facts I want to share with you, because this article lead me into tears:
I am from Czech Republic.
Czech Republic is 90% atheist (the second atheist European country), due to the Communist history.
I grew up in a Christian family and had a hard time being a Christian (as young, bullying in school).
I was always trying to search what was the purpose of Bible and God’s rules, what it was good for (logically + scientifically) in someone’s life.
When reading Marc’s stuff, I see how blind the world got. People are unhappy and can do nothing about it, because they actually do not know nor cannot see the reason.
It is advisable not to say in my country that I am still virgin (bullying).
I am 24.
I was always searching for this wisdom which I finally found in Marc’s teaching.
I cried, because I got to be a lucky one to know.
Mark you are a plagiarist…Dr. Ruth wrote this in HER BLOG, which you copied and pasted to pretend you came up with this on your own.
Wendy,
This is Mark’s original article. Please see this link and note that she credited Mark with writing this when she reposted it on her blog. http://drruthcassandra.blogspot.com/2010/07/damage-of-sexual-promiscuity.html
I’m afraid I’m a bit confused by something in the article:
“God’s original plan was to use sex as the path to commitment. But because of promiscuity, she no longer views sex as a path to her husband’s commitment. On the contrary, she begins to demand that commitment BEFORE sex is granted, something he is not wired to do.”
So the ideal is dating, then betrothal, engagement, getting a marriage license, then having a wedding ceremony in church in which he vows to forsake all others, all without having had sex. Sounds to me like the man is expected to commit fully *before* any sex happens.
My wife was a virgin when we married. After we had sex the first time, she said, “If I had known that *that’s* all it was going to be, I wouldn’t have waited.” It turned out that we were not at all sexually compatible. You advise men to focus on pleasing their wives, but when I asked my wife what would please her, she said, “If I have to tell you, it ruins it.” I was not a very good mind-reader, and she’s now very happily married to another man.
One of my best deeply Christian friends in high school married her Christian boyfriend soon after graduation. Of course they were both committed to waiting to have sex until they were married. It turned out he was gay, and died of AIDS in 1987. His wife swore she would never again marry anyone without knowing from personal experience that he was genuinely sexually attracted to her and that they were sexually compatible. I cannot find it in my heart to tell her she was wrong.
I like what you have to say. My husband had multiple partners beforehand and I messed around with a few people but didnt do everything until go married. We have a great sex life though, and always have. I mean, since we got married. I really have seen no ill effects. We kind of check out porn together, of the soft artistic variety as I am creative and enjoy it as much as he does. I am wondering if the reason we do not have these effects is because he first fooled around with me and had a crush on me from the age of 4. No he did not try to seduce me at age 4 if your wondering, he at least waited until age 17. So I guess he imprinted on me and his “naughtiness” in his first exploit if you will was with me. Have you ever heard of that happening? But it was a sin and for that we are sorry. He has suffered in other ways though, mainly financially from a girl who took advantage of him…. so anyway things are not always as dire as they seem and grace is abundant…
Not really mentioned here but sexual abuse has the same imprinting.
Your analogies are extremes. Most happen somewhere in the middle.
I think it is important to note that the “imprinting” is the same that occurs when a boy’s first sexual release is while viewing pornography — I would love to read some about how that affects him within the context of marriage as well. It is far more likely, with the average age of initial entry into the world of pornography being 10 or 11, that the man first imprints to an IMAGE while releasing sexually alone. Any thoughts? …
I have a question. What if the man waits until marriage, but then goes through a divorce after his wife leaves him. He goes through a brief period of promiscuity before returning to Christ and eventually remarrying. What then? Is he going to be forever imprinted on his first wife? Or will he go through what the man who never waited goes through? And how different, if at all, is his recovery?