Selfishness in Marriage

by Mark Gungor

All marriages start off very selfishly. When a couple begins dating, it is generally all about each person’s own interests. “I like what you do for me. I like the way you make me feel. When I’m with you I’m happy. You make me feel validated.” At the beginning, marriage really is the ultimate in narcissistic expression. The reason you are getting married is because of what he/she does for you. And it’s the same for the other person. It’s all about me, me, me!

But then you get these two me, me, me people together and something has to give. Marriages where couples are able to make the transition from selfish, me-centered thinking, the ones where the husband and wife realize that they can’t get everything they want, are the ones that make it. The marriages where couples can’t do that…and many people don’t…are the ones that fall apart.
It’s amazing how many emails I receive from those selfish spouses asking, “How can I make my spouse___________? Fill in the blank with whatever fits.

How can I get my spouse to load the dishwasher the way I want?
How can I get my spouse to do the things I want to do?
How can I get my spouse to keep the house better?
How can I get my spouse to spend less money?

Chores, money, time, attitude…the list goes on infinitely. They may use other words like “get”, “change”, encourage”, “teach”, etc., but the real idea is how do I make my spouse do what I want? These are the people who have not made the shift from the me, me, me and I want, I like, I need mentality to a sacrificial, giving, putting the other first, we way of thinking.

Listen to me. The bottom line is that you can’t make anyone do anything. People will complain that their spouse doesn’t clean the bathroom the way they want, or fold the clothes, or hang the towels, or wash the dishes, the “right” way…which is code for my way!

I’ve got news for you, The Fuhrer, Your Highness—she’s not your slave; and he’s not your slave! Stop being a narcissistic snot! Not everyone gets everything they want. If there is a specific and certain way that you just have to have things done and you don’t like it when your spouse fails to meet your standard, the answer is simple: You do it!

There are areas in our home that I am pickier about, like my office, so I am the one who cleans it.  In other areas, it’s my wife who wants things done in a certain way, so she takes care of that. What we don’t do is argue and insult each other all the while insisting that the other person does it my way. I either shut up and let her do it her way, or I do it myself if it’s something that want to have done just-so.

Sometimes you have to give, compromise, do it yourself and hush up. If you constantly fight to win, dig your heels in to have everything exactly the way you want it, when you want it and how you want it, you will lose, but not in a good way.

Sometimes you just have the mentality that “I get to lose.” Deliberately choose to lose. Lose your selfishness, your ego, and your right to be right all the time. Ironically, losers win and winners lose in this one.

For more great insight on this subject, check out Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s blog Marriage is for Losers.

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    46 Responses to “Selfishness in Marriage”

    1. Onesmus wrote:

      Wow, this has totally blown me away and could have come at a better time. I have made an inward resolve to be less selfish in my marriage. I am deeply changed by this article. God bless.

    2. help on the way wrote:

      What if my husband doesn’t even pitch in to pick up his stuff or help by taking care of his messes clothes all ovr house, plates dishes food left on table by tv etc. Its not even about clean “my way” its pick up or clean period. Jst hthelp to keep house nice. Then is this still considered being selfish????
      Thx for any advice

      • Rosemary wrote:

        If your spouse doesn’t pick up after himself at all, that’s a whole different problem. Before my husband and I lived together, he had been doing his own laundry, dishes, etc., and I didn’t expect him to suddenly lose that ability just because I was there. I told him I would do the laundry, provided he put his clothes in the basket and not on the floor. Anything left on the floor would either be ignored or disposed of as trash. So far (27 years) I haven’t had to toss his socks in the garbage.

        • Andre wrote:

          I’m not perfect, my wife will tell you this, but my parents taught me well from a very young age. In our 15 years of marriage my wife never had to pick up clothes after me or remove my used cups.

        • Guy wrote:

          Rosemary – you are a smart woman!

      • Mel wrote:

        I hope things are now a lot better in your marriage. If however you still need help you may find this book very interesting and helpful – Boundaries in marriage by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend. I definitely used to be in your shoes some years ago until I came across this book which empowered me to make the necessary changes in my life which completely transformed my marriage and because I had changed, my husband had no choice but to change too. All the best

    3. Mari Uys wrote:

      To “Help on the Way”

      Humans take advantage of softies. I also learned the hard way. But it does not pay to get aggressive either about what you want from your partner. You need to stay calm and catch the moment when things arent going right and say in a sweet voice : “Honey, you left your (clothes, dish, plate, glass, cup) on the (floor, table, wherever), please bring it/them to the (washbasket, kitchen sink, cupboard, etc.)”. You may have to say this many, many times before you get results, because you may have been allowing the bad habits/behaviour for many months/years. Dont criticise your partner because he/she will “dig their heels in” and become hostile. Resentment also doesnt work as it shows on your face and in your behaviour. You become snappy and intolerant and your health gets affected by it. Well, thats my bit. Mari

    4. Donna Griffiths wrote:

      I agree. My husband and I have been married 37 fantastic years. As I have said before that doesn’t sound realistic but it is true. We learned way early in our lives to be considerate and respectful to each other. People like to say that getting married too young doesn’t work. I beg to differ. We were 17 and barley 18 when we got married. Neither one of us would have had it any other way. We are still crazy about eachother ! If you choose to treat your spouse with respect, love, and consideration you will have a wonderful life together. Let them know you appreciate them and give them compliments often. Don’t wait for a holiday to do something special for them. Even a note left on the table just telling them you appreciate them with a short couple of sentences of why you appreciate them will keep them happy and satisfied in your marriage. Its the little things that are soooo big ! Well, to most of us women anyway ! Thats how we keep score ! DING ! haha ! I once left a short note on our bed knowing my husband would soon be home and would find it. All it said was how much I appreciated him, his hard work he does for our family. No mushy love letter, just I appreciated him and all he does to hold our house hold together. He read the letter and sought me out to tell me thank you. See, just little things ! DING ! Recently I went to the “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage”… and found more understanding and tools to keep my marriage refreshed and alive. My husband had to work so he was unable to go. I used one of the tools Mark had taught and pleasantly surprised my husband. He put a smile on his face and I instantly got a “DING” !!! But who’s keeping score ! I encourage all couples to invest in their marriage and go to CHIRSTIAN marriage conferences and stay alive ! God bless !

      • amy wrote:

        Hello!
        I would like to seek some guidance on a few ongoing issues in my current relationship of 6 years. We have been through a great deal, and we stuck together through alot. We are both not perfect and I have learned to take responsibility for my part. I am learning to be more patient, I have stop nagging and trying to be “right” all the time. Listening is a skill I am still mastering as well as patience. I was raised to believe that in order to have a good marriage, we have to “fix” or take responsibility for our partner’s feelings. This is indeed not the case and as painful as it is, this new paradigm removed alot of toxic people in my life.

        Regardless of my efforts though (again I am NOT perfect, I still make mistakes) I sense that my partner is incapable of seeing when he hurts me deeply. I think any person would feel negated and put off by behaviours like sulking if one cannot have his way, and not “knowing what to do” if my teen daughter mouths me off in public. Of course I can defend myself but for my spouse to sit and watch it happen, and play on his cell phone? Ummmm, how do I digest that?

        I love humour and I laugh at things that are funny however I don’t condone doing it at someone’s expense. I often find he laughs and makes fun of people, especially women who are abused. Conversations between us are predominantly about him, or if its not, he will go out of his way to make it about him. Things he says and does sometimes are quite hurtful, and it becomes difficult to support someone who is like this ALL the time.

        I was accused of “punishing him” and “emotional blackmail” when I attempted to end my relationship. So I chose to make my own changes and change my own behaviours, attitudes etc. I still attend my groups, and I still try to make my relationship work. Unfortunately I am growing happier within my own self, and its painful for me to watch him sink into a pit of dispair. I do not want to stop trying but I know I cannot fix this man, and I have let him solve his own problems.

        Im in a position where I cannot leave due to a tight financial situation, its almost like I am being “kept” here. Wierd.

        • Mel wrote:

          Hi I hope things are now a lot better in your marriage. If however you still need help you may find this book very interesting and helpful – Boundaries in marriage by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend and the same authors also have a book on boundaries with kids – its definitely a must read. I used to be in your shoes some years ago until I came across these books which empowered me to make the necessary changes in my life which completely transformed me, my marriage and because I had changed, my husband had no choice but to change too and the book on boundaries with children/kids also helped me in dealing with challenging situations with my children and now they are more respectful and take me seriously

    5. Tammy wrote:

      I don’t like to think of myself as a me, me, me person and although I have totally given up and choose not to fuss about the house or many other things, the one thing I do have issues with is my husband’s spending. He can’t go by or into a store without spending money on something… ANYTHING… Often he goes out of his way to spend… Even on the internet. The problem is we own our own business and things are EXTREMELY slow, so keeping the bills paid and product on the shelves is more important than going out to dinner and the movies or in his case buying anything from vitamins to slurpees…. I often laugh about it, but not when he sees there is barely any money in the account ($100) and bills are due within a couple days. It’s FRUSTRATING !!!! VERY FRUSTRATING !!! Especially when he starts fussing at me because we have no money. He spends I get blamed for no money in account and get told to go get a real job…. Which I find funny. I work our business, our home and a part time job. He stays at home and works on the computer or looking at videos on You Tube and You tube music. He basically does what he wants, when he wants and dare I say anything he goes ballistic. He has been selfish since day one of our being together so, I knew what I was getting into and yes, he has gotten soooo much better…. But when you put vitamins and other things over your marriage, home and business shouldn’t I be concerned?

      • Jenny wrote:

        I would encourage you and your spouse to attend a financial peace class. (Dave Ramsey). You can utilize your husbands “free spirit” and Internet exploration skills to find one near you (often they have webinars at local churches). It has helped our relationship to be on the same page financially. Previously I was the shopper spender but this helped us to make a plan and execute it. Now my spending is planned, budgets are kept, we are practically debt free AND we don’t argue over our finances. I would recommend this to anyone due to the information provided. Another pitch that really helped us is the Laugh Your Way seminar (but I’m certain if you are posting here you already know about this).

    6. JULIE wrote:

      TO THE WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR 37YRS WELL IAM REALLY FOR HER,MAY THE GOOD LORD CONTINUE TO GIVE U MORE GRACE AND ALSO TEACH SOME OF US.I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW SOMETHING, ARE U A WORKING WOMAN AD WAS YOUR HUSBAND SUPPORT YOU WHEN YOU IN TERMS OF HOUSE KEEPING MONEY EVERY MONTH?
      THANK YOU AD HOPPING TO HEAR FROM YOU.

    7. Inna wrote:

      This is very true and sometimes hard to take in, but its all worth it. Great job Mark.

    8. Terry Lewis wrote:

      A comment on your “Selfishness in Marriage” piece. What you say may be true for many, but when I married my Laura, it was not because she made ME feel good, but because of the Joy I received when SHE was happy. Not to say we didn’t have our issues of seat left up vs. down, toothpaste cap off vs. left on, or the bed made up before leaving for work vs. “Who Cares? We’re just going to get back in it again tonight!” We have been there and done all that and more in our 40 years of joy-filled marriage. It’s never been about “me”, but (almost) always about what can I do for you. We learned early on when we went to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend that being in love in our relationship is more important than being right. I have found that, even though I AM always right, it’s better to let go of my “rightness” and watch my Laura smile….and feel my heart fill with my love for her.

    9. kevin smith wrote:

      Love your insight into marriage. Love the fact that you bring forth the subject in an honest if at times blunt manner. I have a dvd series and need to go to your sight and maybe see if there are resources I can use to keep moving forward.

    10. Ann wrote:

      I think that unless you include the Enemy ( and demonic influence) in the marital equation, you won’t get the whole picture. The enemy and his evil bunch play on our weaknesses. The Enemy hates marriage and a person who is handicapped by a bad childhood or who isn’t a believer makes an easy target for this destroyer. My advice would be to approach marital problems from a spiritual perspective. Put God first in the marriage. If your spouse doesn’t, that doesn’t give you permission not to. Don’t get down on the offensive person’s level and slug it out verbally; won’t work. Read your Bible, seek out spiritual help and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! Show respect to the other spouse even if you don’t agree with him/her. I remember a saying in a picture frame in a neighbor’s home. It simply said: “God Changes Things” And He does!!

    11. Karen wrote:

      Is wanting your husband to work and provide selfish?

    12. Stephanie @ CMTS Blog wrote:

      So true! My husband and I have been married for 5 years. One of our wedding gifts was a book called Love & Respect. It teaches you how to sacrificially love one another. Best.book.ever. It has blessed our marriage a million times over! Losing our own selfishness really can do amazing things for a marriage :)

    13. Cari Andreani wrote:

      Thank you for your input! It is so true!I would like to add it in my blog post to reach more readers. You can see it at http://www.prioritymaleministries.com/selfishness-in-marriage

      May God bless!
      Cari Andreani

    14. Denise wrote:

      Even after 8.5 years of marriage, you have convicted me this morning as I realized that I still want to get my husband to the things that I want him to do. I resolve to be less selfish and to focus more on giving and being thankful. Thanks for this message, Mark!

    15. Kathy wrote:

      my husband and I are doing ok, been married 5 years. I agree with the article whole heartily. Thanks for the reminder.
      what if my complaint is my husband is always paying for His 24 year old son getting him out of Jail,helping him,watching your husband be manipulated by his son for Money.Do I still let my husband go on “Helping” his son His way and not say anything?
      Marriage is in trouble in this area. My Husband says I want Him to deal with the problem My way Which is totally opposite how He is dealing with HIS Son, I admit that. My Husband has a huge heart and His Son knows it…HELP

    16. Mel wrote:

      My wife (Susan) and I are involved in Marriage Encounter and are thrilled to have had your videos in presenting to our week-end couples at post-wknd meetings. Please keep us posted for helps. We will continue praying for you and this mission field.

      Mel

    17. Gerry wrote:

      My hubby and I have bought your materials to use with our church family (he is the pastor). Whenever you send material such as the above, we can’t wait to share it. This one is so relevant to the couples in our church. It was also relevant to our marriage. We have been together for 43 years, and have a great marriage because we learned how to put the other’s needs, wishes, joy before our own. Thank God for the Holy Spirit, the Word, and Mark Gungor’s hilarious DVD’s.

    18. Ann wrote:

      Selfishness in marriage? I can define it. I live with it. Its all around me to a point that Marriage has become a chore/duty. I have to please and give up everything to please my husband, and it has to be his way or he will get upset. I have to comb my hair the way he likes, wear the clothes and colors he likes, eat his kind of food. He has emotionally abused me for 3 years and I do not know if i want to be married anymore. My husband calls me all the worst things, i have no favor before him at all. It is hard, and am still here because I do not know how to begin leaving when I made a vow. We are Christians and met in church. He has refused to see a marriage counselor or even our church pastor saying we do not need third party help, its me who has to change. (PHYSICALLY). He chooses the physical appearance more than who I am within and says our marriage is based on how I look. I pray alot for him, still respect and forgive him all the time but most times he gets all wired up and says he is depressed, sad, not happy because am not skinny, I do not have long hair, i do not wear bangs on my face, i do not have that kind of body he likes and anything he can make up. He will not look at me, and when instructing me to do stuff, he does not talk but waves his hands to instruct me like am deaf. I have told him to make a decision about what he wants to do, but he will not make up his mind. Please when is this going to stop? Is this marriage? He does not like my bum and so he will not touch me, hey, whatever he does not like, has to go….so my last blow is for him to tell me to go for surgery to reduce my bum. Really? what is marriage? somebody help me. I have read the article and comments here, and to tell you the truth, if sacrifice is coming from one side, what is the other spouse who will not agree to counselling give up? Nothing, its all about him and divorce for us is not an option. I need help because am tired of pretending to be someone am not. When does this give, give and give stop and how does it feel like to receive? It sounds like a silly question but to me its real. How can things get better? And worst of all, his dad and mum have lived together under the same roof for more than 50 years and stopped talking after 15 years, mum cheated but they did not get divorced, dad started drinking and although they lived together, each lives a separate life. I do not want my marriage to be like that. He has refused to have children because he says they are too much responsibility. When I got pegnant last year, he was so depressed and did not hide it, he sang it everyday until I got a miscarriage, then he was grinning from ear to ear. I am so Sad. I work hard at work and am all bubbly when he is not around but am dying inside. I hate the weekends when we have to spend more time together. He is suffocating me with his negativity, and nothing I do makes him happy. However much I try to do what I think will be good for him, he does not point out the good, he will look for the bad. Am dying inside. To tell you the truth, if I was not a christian, I would have left long time ago. Yes, I lost my self esteem the first 3 months we got married and it has gone down to -45, like the winter in Canada. How can I change to make it better for the King, because I do not have the guts to take a hike yet because am a child of God. At this point, does God say “pray and wait, I will work it all out for good”

    19. Lorrie wrote:

      Help! I’m at a loss on what to do with my so called marriage. I’ve only been married 8 1/2 times. There is no intimacy in our marriage. In the beginning it was ok 1 or 2 times every couple of months then it turned to once every 6 months then 1 every 1 1/2 years and now its 1 or 2 every 3 1/2 years. I think I’m lucky to say we’ve maybe had sex a total of 20 times in 8 1/2 yrs. In the beginning we went to a christian counselor. She put my husband on anti depressants. So I tried to be understanding for years. Well now he went off of them and has been off of them for 1 year 8 months. So now whats the excuse. He even told me he was gettig “feeling back down there”. Well what is he doing with that feeling because he hasn’t shared it with me. He only has one arm and for some reason says when he lays down in bed he loses it (the erection). When he gets on top it hurts his back because he can’t hold himself up. When he trys standing and I lay on the bed which is up high he says that it hurts his legs. He has told me “it’s a chore to have sex with you”. I’ve tried through prayer to be honest with him and we read the “His needs, Her Needs” book several years ago. Now he doesn’t want to do anything with me, no dates no nothing but watching t.v. together. Yeah what a life an he quit going to church with me which was huge for me and I’ve explained it to him how much that means to me and that he promised me after we got married he wouldn’t quit going. I know the bible says if you chose to be with someone who doesn’t believe you’re stuck with them. I waited in life to get married for the first time for both of us at age 36. I told him I wasn’t thinking of anyone else that I wanted to grow old with him but when your needs are not met you eventually seek outside of the home for it. It starts out with a compliment then you seek that person out then coffee then the bed. I’ve even prayed God would help me be faithful to him. I love him but feel I get nothing in return. It’s like a friendship and we’re roomates but sleep in the same bed usually. When do you say you’ve done all you could and call it quits??
      Signed very troubled at home.

    20. Linda DiFranco wrote:

      Dear Mark, Thank you for helping all of us with your insights.
      May God continue to bless you and thank you for sharing your blessings with us.
      Happy New Year!
      Very sincerely, Linda

    21. Linda wrote:

      If I want something done a certain way I will do it myself and visa versa.

    22. Ron Smeberg wrote:

      My wife and I led a small group using your Laugh Your Way to A better Marriage series and then did a second one using your Stinking Thinking series. It is a couple years later and there are many concepts in your programs that we still use in our marriage and in our current recovery ministries. Thank you for all you do.

      Ron Smeberg

    23. Lori Vrbsky wrote:

      Thank you so much for the articles on selfishness. I used to catch myself saying some of those sayings of doing things my way. Now, I have learned to either do it myself or change my expectations. I am now happy spending time together or Blessed that he helps out around the house.

    24. Barb wrote:

      My husband is THE most selfish man and believes the World revolves around HIM, HIS PROBLEMS, HIS JOB, HIS HOBBY, HIS FRIENDS, HIS I PHONE, HIS FACEBOOK PAGE, and HIS DOGS. We married less than 2 yrs ago and he is accountable for NOTHING. I have my own money. I ask him for nothing. He has an expensive hobby that costs so much that we never go to dinner – a movie – have friends over – nothing.
      I asked him to do a couple chores as I worked a weekend and he did what he felt like doing at the time. Not much. I came home to find him on the PHONE – drinking beer – and giving me lame excuses why he didn’t get the jobs done. I am not a nag. This was a request made MORE than once. Clogged kitchen drain. Dog pee on the new wood floor, setting a cage for a wild animal under the backyard shed.. etc. I was not happy. He tried to turn things around to make ME look like the bad guy – that HE could do those chores when HE felt like it and did I expect him to JUMP UP at THAT moment?? That drain had been clogged for months. Try rinsing clean dishes in a sink full of soapy water!?
      He is now stonewalling me. Refuses to discuss ANY problems – pretending ALL is fine. He should have stayed a bachelor. I’m convinced the only reason he married me was to have a housekeeper, cook, grocery shopper, dog sitter, laundress, someone who would never ask for money, and allow him to buy his TOYS that he paid for out of his 401K !!! We never even got a honeymoon!

      Am at my wits’ end. I married a child. Yes, I knew what he was – but why is it ok to stay a selfish, entitled, spoiled brat within a marriage that takes TWO???????

      He wants what he wants when HE wants it. In 7 yrs we have never even been to a movie!

      • Tom wrote:

        Read the book Love and Respect. With an open mind and heart follow the information shared. It may feel unnatural and even crazy because it goes against all our worldly wisdom and protective behaviors. I was just like your husband, even said some of the same comments. He sees your attempts to connect as critical and disrespectful. He speaks the language of respect, while you speak the language of love. I just about divorced my wife, but found this book. Once I understood what she was doing, even though I didn’t agree with it, I acted upon the premise of the book. In two short weeks, a major shift happened. I’m not saying our marriage is perfect. There will always be conflict, but we are better at managing our conflict and place the resentment and frustration where it belongs in God’s hands.
        Best of Luck. I’ll be praying for you and your husband.

    25. MeanGirl wrote:

      Thanks for that great article! My spouse was telling me I’m so freaking selfish when I get angry, but somehow your article hit home for me more than the generic “the world doesn’t revolve around you” slogan a lot of people like to say.

    26. Tom wrote:

      My wife and I almost started the process of divorce just before your 10th wedding anniversary. We were both selfish in our thinking. This happened around the time our children children arrived. I felt pushed aside and felt that I wasn’t getting the attention I deserved, so I dove into my hobbies more. Ironically, the loneliness I was feeling was also being felt by my wife. Over seven years we grew apart and fought constantly We were critical, defensive, contemptuous, and literally stonewalled each other. Our protective behaviors started tearing apart our marriage. We were seeking emotional support from outside our marriage. It all came to a head when I left the house and my wife for almost two weeks. It wasn’t until I sought spiritual counsel and reading scripture and understanding God’s will. After I moved back in, for the children’s sake, I put my marriage in God’s hands and the most amazing thing happened. The book Love & Respect sat on our dishwasher for 7 months with no desire to read it. I felt a strong urge to read it and has been the defining moment in our relationship. What I realized is that I was not giving her what she needed most–love; and I was not getting what I needed most–respect. We were able to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary as God intended. Loving and enjoying each other’s company because we stopped being so selfish. We continue to work on our marriage, but think of the other first. It has truly made all the difference.

    27. Cassandra wrote:

      I am a wife in a blended family of 4 children. I find myself online constantly seeking advice, tips, and resources on how to fix problems in my relationship. My husband has a very entitled attitude and he does not parent his young child. This has caused resentment because his child does not believe she needs to listen or show respect towards me and my children are suffering because of the inconsistency. In the last few months I discovered that I have been “second guessing” myself, as he believes that I am the only one that needs to make changes. He has on a rare occasion acknowledged to me that he needs to make some changes as well, but his actions are louder than words. I have made changes and taken steps to see a marriage counselor and he has been extremely resistant to go back after our second session. He really knows how to dig his heels in the ground, cross his arms, and belittle me to get out of doing anything productive. Do we even have a chance? What can I do, really?

    28. jamie wrote:

      I just need some with my husband he wants me to change my way example we don’t sleep together. We don’t have sex .. and he likes to drink … he wants me to sleep with him and have sex .. I’m willing to do anything but I want him to not drink so much and he says to me I like drink HELP ME Please

    29. Victoria wrote:

      Hi,I’m going on 24 years of marriage,my husband was a fireman and I was the housewife and stay at home mom of our 3 children.My husband retired after 32 years on the fire dept.His drema was to move to Costa Rica when he retired.In 2012 we made the move with our two 11 year old children,we left our 18 year old daughter back in the states,she had just graduated high school and now is in her 2nd year of community college.We haave been living in a small village of 300 people,I am the only American english speaking woman here.I’m ready to go back to the states and I miss our older daughter.My husband does not want to ever go back.Our relationship is being challenged.My husband asked me to move here for he to pursue his dream of surfing and living in the tropics.I have enjoyed our time here but it has also been difficult.I feel grateful to have had this experience.My husband does not understand my need to go back to the states and he ingnores my requests.I feel he is being very selfish..or aam I the selfish one to have wants of my own..we are really struggling with our communication.I become explosive because I feel he won’t make a change for me.What do you recommend.Thank you

    30. GAYLE wrote:

      nice helpfull hints, but mine is so bad, my husband shows the devil trat in front of my kids
      to my family and also to me his wife

    31. J wrote:

      I’m newly married to my wife and almost one year of marriage. We dated for three years before. My wife has a horribly selfish mother and she knows and recognizes it too. But my wife will be selfish like things are not cleaned enough for her standards and when she wants something done it has to be done when she wants it. I have done so much to try and keep the peace but I’ve lately been feeling like I’m tired of giving in to just keep her happy and even then I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’m not perfect by any means but I try make things work. And I feel like that’s the big difference. We have fights once in a while when I’ve just had enough and she breaks down saying she is trying but I have hard time believing that. Our Love life has suffered too. Cause everything has to be perfect for her to even consider it.

      We have been almost married for a year and I’m struggling to be intimate with here more then once a week. We have split house chores and she has been getting angry cause she is “too tired” to do some of her chores. I have caught myself doing them for her to keep her happy or the peace.

      I’m feeling quite lost cause I know she loves me. She just isn’t mature enough for anything else and being selfish. I cant bring anything up cause its and instant fight. I’m finding myself being resentful of her and I’m afraid where this is all leading.

    32. jane wrote:

      my husband and I have seperate checking acounts due to his irresponsibility with money and continuing to make finacial decisions on his own and not realizing how his choices affect us both we also have two children daughters and I HAVE TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE TAKEN CARE OF their needs must be met and I cannot depend on him if he were to have acsess to both of our checking accounts I would not have money to buy groceries I say this because this has happend repeatedly in our 20 yr marriage and we both work and make good money he just cannot or will not be responsible he gets very 11111111fronted on any of these issues he can be very manipulative and vengefull at times he will ask me for money due to already being out if I tell him i do not have it he behaves very childish and stopes around speaks to me in a very condicending arragant way he tries very hard to make me feel guilty to make me feel bad its like he feels these emotions about what he has done but cant deal with it so he tries to make me feel these things so he wont have to he just seems to take and take and need if he doesnt get his way or his needs are not met he will pout and ignore me he cant see my needs are rarely ever met or how hurtful and destructive his behavior is I really worry that my daughters will looke at the way he treats me and even though they know its wrong i worry they may take our interactions as an example or that they may pick up some of his needy narcissistic behavior.

    33. David wrote:

      I tried if it’s not up to your standards do it yourself. Now I cook clean put the kids to bed and work while she is on Facebook and having coffee with friends all day. Do it yourself just leaves you doing everything.
      Bad advice.

    34. Tanya wrote:

      I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in my marriage, I honestly just feel like I’m being taken for a ride. I pay all the expensive bills because i have a steady income and makes more, but even when he has a good job and makes the same amount he doesn’t contribute any more. He always complain about the small bills he pays like utilities and the cell phone bill. Cuts or cable because it’s too much for him, yet he finds the money to eat out almost everyday. He Refinanced my car so he can pay off his car loan and doesn’t help me with mine. I take care of the house, the laundry and the kids. I’m about to deploy, and he’s trying to get this job that is from 3am to 7am and he already has a job but claims it’s not enough, and want to have our 23 year old baby sitter move into our house to take care of the kids while I’m gone. I’m seriously beginning to think this man wants all the benefits of marriage without having any of the responsibilities, and i can’t seem to stop enabling him and change this vicious cycle. I’m trying to be more forgiving and understanding of his struggles, but the more i change the more he becomes settled in his ways. We went to counseling, but he refused to continue because he didn’t want to give in. He plays video games excessively and the counselor felt it was causing the distance to widen between us. She felt he needed to contribute more financially and I need to let him. I don’t understand why I have to do all the changing, i don’t think I’m being selfish, but his attitude and the way he makes decisions is that like a single person. I’m just here for pleasure and stability a “meal ticket” until he’s ready to become a man. We have two kids, been married for almost 6 years I’ve spent the majority of our marrage waiting on him to grow up, but how long should i wait when there’s no end in sight. Currently he is at home with his bestie who is now our room mate playing video games all day.

    35. Suzie Boka wrote:

      Men are that way because their mothers raise them that way. I think alot of mothers do not realise that when you spoil your sons i.e picking up after them , not making them do any housework or having any chores at all inside the home that traditionally was for women only you are setting your sons up for divorce.

      Unfortunately although times have changed, the way women are raising their sons has not changed. This is the reason for most divorces nowadays. I don’t know why people can’t see this. Yet these same women that complain about their husbands being selfish, continue to raise their own sons the same way.

      Think about it.

     
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