Selfishness in Marriage
by Mark Gungor on April 24th, 2012
All marriages start off very selfishly. When a couple begins dating, it is generally all about each person’s own interests. “I like what you do for me. I like the way you make me feel. When I’m with you I’m happy. You make me feel validated.” At the beginning, marriage really is the ultimate in narcissistic expression. The reason you are getting married is because of what he/she does for you. And it’s the same for the other person. It’s all about me, me, me!
But then you get these two me, me, me people together and something has to give. Marriages where couples are able to make the transition from selfish, me-centered thinking, the ones where the husband and wife realize that they can’t get everything they want, are the ones that make it. The marriages where couples can’t do that…and many people don’t…are the ones that fall apart.
It’s amazing how many emails I receive from those selfish spouses asking, “How can I make my spouse___________? Fill in the blank with whatever fits.
How can I get my spouse to load the dishwasher the way I want?
How can I get my spouse to do the things I want to do?
How can I get my spouse to keep the house better?
How can I get my spouse to spend less money?
Chores, money, time, attitude…the list goes on infinitely. They may use other words like “get”, “change”, encourage”, “teach”, etc., but the real idea is how do I make my spouse do what I want? These are the people who have not made the shift from the me, me, me and I want, I like, I need mentality to a sacrificial, giving, putting the other first, we way of thinking.
Listen to me. The bottom line is that you can’t make anyone do anything. People will complain that their spouse doesn’t clean the bathroom the way they want, or fold the clothes, or hang the towels, or wash the dishes, the “right” way…which is code for my way!
I’ve got news for you, The Furor, Your Highness—she’s not your slave; and he’s not your slave! Stop being a narcissistic snot! Not everyone gets everything they want. If there is a specific and certain way that you just have to have things done and you don’t like it when your spouse fails to meet your standard, the answer is simple: You do it!
There are areas in our home that I am pickier about, like my office, so I am the one who cleans it. In other areas, it’s my wife who wants things done in a certain way, so she takes care of that. What we don’t do is argue and insult each other all the while insisting that the other person does it my way. I either shut up and let her do it her way, or I do it myself if it’s something that want to have done just-so.
Sometimes you have to give, compromise, do it yourself and hush up. If you constantly fight to win, dig your heels in to have everything exactly the way you want it, when you want it and how you want it, you will lose, but not in a good way.
Sometimes you just have the mentality that “I get to lose.” Deliberately choose to lose. Lose your selfishness, your ego, and your right to be right all the time. Ironically, losers win and winners lose in this one.
For more great insight on this subject, check out Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s blog Marriage is for Losers.
Wow, this has totally blown me away and could have come at a better time. I have made an inward resolve to be less selfish in my marriage. I am deeply changed by this article. God bless.
What if my husband doesn’t even pitch in to pick up his stuff or help by taking care of his messes clothes all ovr house, plates dishes food left on table by tv etc. Its not even about clean “my way” its pick up or clean period. Jst hthelp to keep house nice. Then is this still considered being selfish????
Thx for any advice
If your spouse doesn’t pick up after himself at all, that’s a whole different problem. Before my husband and I lived together, he had been doing his own laundry, dishes, etc., and I didn’t expect him to suddenly lose that ability just because I was there. I told him I would do the laundry, provided he put his clothes in the basket and not on the floor. Anything left on the floor would either be ignored or disposed of as trash. So far (27 years) I haven’t had to toss his socks in the garbage.
I’m not perfect, my wife will tell you this, but my parents taught me well from a very young age. In our 15 years of marriage my wife never had to pick up clothes after me or remove my used cups.
Rosemary – you are a smart woman!
I hope things are now a lot better in your marriage. If however you still need help you may find this book very interesting and helpful – Boundaries in marriage by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend. I definitely used to be in your shoes some years ago until I came across this book which empowered me to make the necessary changes in my life which completely transformed my marriage and because I had changed, my husband had no choice but to change too. All the best
To “Help on the Way”
Humans take advantage of softies. I also learned the hard way. But it does not pay to get aggressive either about what you want from your partner. You need to stay calm and catch the moment when things arent going right and say in a sweet voice : “Honey, you left your (clothes, dish, plate, glass, cup) on the (floor, table, wherever), please bring it/them to the (washbasket, kitchen sink, cupboard, etc.)”. You may have to say this many, many times before you get results, because you may have been allowing the bad habits/behaviour for many months/years. Dont criticise your partner because he/she will “dig their heels in” and become hostile. Resentment also doesnt work as it shows on your face and in your behaviour. You become snappy and intolerant and your health gets affected by it. Well, thats my bit. Mari
I agree. My husband and I have been married 37 fantastic years. As I have said before that doesn’t sound realistic but it is true. We learned way early in our lives to be considerate and respectful to each other. People like to say that getting married too young doesn’t work. I beg to differ. We were 17 and barley 18 when we got married. Neither one of us would have had it any other way. We are still crazy about eachother ! If you choose to treat your spouse with respect, love, and consideration you will have a wonderful life together. Let them know you appreciate them and give them compliments often. Don’t wait for a holiday to do something special for them. Even a note left on the table just telling them you appreciate them with a short couple of sentences of why you appreciate them will keep them happy and satisfied in your marriage. Its the little things that are soooo big ! Well, to most of us women anyway ! Thats how we keep score ! DING ! haha ! I once left a short note on our bed knowing my husband would soon be home and would find it. All it said was how much I appreciated him, his hard work he does for our family. No mushy love letter, just I appreciated him and all he does to hold our house hold together. He read the letter and sought me out to tell me thank you. See, just little things ! DING ! Recently I went to the “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage”… and found more understanding and tools to keep my marriage refreshed and alive. My husband had to work so he was unable to go. I used one of the tools Mark had taught and pleasantly surprised my husband. He put a smile on his face and I instantly got a “DING” !!! But who’s keeping score ! I encourage all couples to invest in their marriage and go to CHIRSTIAN marriage conferences and stay alive ! God bless !
Hello!
I would like to seek some guidance on a few ongoing issues in my current relationship of 6 years. We have been through a great deal, and we stuck together through alot. We are both not perfect and I have learned to take responsibility for my part. I am learning to be more patient, I have stop nagging and trying to be “right” all the time. Listening is a skill I am still mastering as well as patience. I was raised to believe that in order to have a good marriage, we have to “fix” or take responsibility for our partner’s feelings. This is indeed not the case and as painful as it is, this new paradigm removed alot of toxic people in my life.
Regardless of my efforts though (again I am NOT perfect, I still make mistakes) I sense that my partner is incapable of seeing when he hurts me deeply. I think any person would feel negated and put off by behaviours like sulking if one cannot have his way, and not “knowing what to do” if my teen daughter mouths me off in public. Of course I can defend myself but for my spouse to sit and watch it happen, and play on his cell phone? Ummmm, how do I digest that?
I love humour and I laugh at things that are funny however I don’t condone doing it at someone’s expense. I often find he laughs and makes fun of people, especially women who are abused. Conversations between us are predominantly about him, or if its not, he will go out of his way to make it about him. Things he says and does sometimes are quite hurtful, and it becomes difficult to support someone who is like this ALL the time.
I was accused of “punishing him” and “emotional blackmail” when I attempted to end my relationship. So I chose to make my own changes and change my own behaviours, attitudes etc. I still attend my groups, and I still try to make my relationship work. Unfortunately I am growing happier within my own self, and its painful for me to watch him sink into a pit of dispair. I do not want to stop trying but I know I cannot fix this man, and I have let him solve his own problems.
Im in a position where I cannot leave due to a tight financial situation, its almost like I am being “kept” here. Wierd.
Hi I hope things are now a lot better in your marriage. If however you still need help you may find this book very interesting and helpful – Boundaries in marriage by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend and the same authors also have a book on boundaries with kids – its definitely a must read. I used to be in your shoes some years ago until I came across these books which empowered me to make the necessary changes in my life which completely transformed me, my marriage and because I had changed, my husband had no choice but to change too and the book on boundaries with children/kids also helped me in dealing with challenging situations with my children and now they are more respectful and take me seriously
I don’t like to think of myself as a me, me, me person and although I have totally given up and choose not to fuss about the house or many other things, the one thing I do have issues with is my husband’s spending. He can’t go by or into a store without spending money on something… ANYTHING… Often he goes out of his way to spend… Even on the internet. The problem is we own our own business and things are EXTREMELY slow, so keeping the bills paid and product on the shelves is more important than going out to dinner and the movies or in his case buying anything from vitamins to slurpees…. I often laugh about it, but not when he sees there is barely any money in the account ($100) and bills are due within a couple days. It’s FRUSTRATING !!!! VERY FRUSTRATING !!! Especially when he starts fussing at me because we have no money. He spends I get blamed for no money in account and get told to go get a real job…. Which I find funny. I work our business, our home and a part time job. He stays at home and works on the computer or looking at videos on You Tube and You tube music. He basically does what he wants, when he wants and dare I say anything he goes ballistic. He has been selfish since day one of our being together so, I knew what I was getting into and yes, he has gotten soooo much better…. But when you put vitamins and other things over your marriage, home and business shouldn’t I be concerned?
I would encourage you and your spouse to attend a financial peace class. (Dave Ramsey). You can utilize your husbands “free spirit” and Internet exploration skills to find one near you (often they have webinars at local churches). It has helped our relationship to be on the same page financially. Previously I was the shopper spender but this helped us to make a plan and execute it. Now my spending is planned, budgets are kept, we are practically debt free AND we don’t argue over our finances. I would recommend this to anyone due to the information provided. Another pitch that really helped us is the Laugh Your Way seminar (but I’m certain if you are posting here you already know about this).
TO THE WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR 37YRS WELL IAM REALLY FOR HER,MAY THE GOOD LORD CONTINUE TO GIVE U MORE GRACE AND ALSO TEACH SOME OF US.I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW SOMETHING, ARE U A WORKING WOMAN AD WAS YOUR HUSBAND SUPPORT YOU WHEN YOU IN TERMS OF HOUSE KEEPING MONEY EVERY MONTH?
THANK YOU AD HOPPING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
This is very true and sometimes hard to take in, but its all worth it. Great job Mark.
A comment on your “Selfishness in Marriage” piece. What you say may be true for many, but when I married my Laura, it was not because she made ME feel good, but because of the Joy I received when SHE was happy. Not to say we didn’t have our issues of seat left up vs. down, toothpaste cap off vs. left on, or the bed made up before leaving for work vs. “Who Cares? We’re just going to get back in it again tonight!” We have been there and done all that and more in our 40 years of joy-filled marriage. It’s never been about “me”, but (almost) always about what can I do for you. We learned early on when we went to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend that being in love in our relationship is more important than being right. I have found that, even though I AM always right, it’s better to let go of my “rightness” and watch my Laura smile….and feel my heart fill with my love for her.
Love your insight into marriage. Love the fact that you bring forth the subject in an honest if at times blunt manner. I have a dvd series and need to go to your sight and maybe see if there are resources I can use to keep moving forward.
I think that unless you include the Enemy ( and demonic influence) in the marital equation, you won’t get the whole picture. The enemy and his evil bunch play on our weaknesses. The Enemy hates marriage and a person who is handicapped by a bad childhood or who isn’t a believer makes an easy target for this destroyer. My advice would be to approach marital problems from a spiritual perspective. Put God first in the marriage. If your spouse doesn’t, that doesn’t give you permission not to. Don’t get down on the offensive person’s level and slug it out verbally; won’t work. Read your Bible, seek out spiritual help and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! Show respect to the other spouse even if you don’t agree with him/her. I remember a saying in a picture frame in a neighbor’s home. It simply said: “God Changes Things” And He does!!
Is wanting your husband to work and provide selfish?
So true! My husband and I have been married for 5 years. One of our wedding gifts was a book called Love & Respect. It teaches you how to sacrificially love one another. Best.book.ever. It has blessed our marriage a million times over! Losing our own selfishness really can do amazing things for a marriage
Thank you for your input! It is so true!I would like to add it in my blog post to reach more readers. You can see it at http://www.prioritymaleministries.com/selfishness-in-marriage
May God bless!
Cari Andreani
Even after 8.5 years of marriage, you have convicted me this morning as I realized that I still want to get my husband to the things that I want him to do. I resolve to be less selfish and to focus more on giving and being thankful. Thanks for this message, Mark!
my husband and I are doing ok, been married 5 years. I agree with the article whole heartily. Thanks for the reminder.
what if my complaint is my husband is always paying for His 24 year old son getting him out of Jail,helping him,watching your husband be manipulated by his son for Money.Do I still let my husband go on “Helping” his son His way and not say anything?
Marriage is in trouble in this area. My Husband says I want Him to deal with the problem My way Which is totally opposite how He is dealing with HIS Son, I admit that. My Husband has a huge heart and His Son knows it…HELP
My wife (Susan) and I are involved in Marriage Encounter and are thrilled to have had your videos in presenting to our week-end couples at post-wknd meetings. Please keep us posted for helps. We will continue praying for you and this mission field.
Mel
My hubby and I have bought your materials to use with our church family (he is the pastor). Whenever you send material such as the above, we can’t wait to share it. This one is so relevant to the couples in our church. It was also relevant to our marriage. We have been together for 43 years, and have a great marriage because we learned how to put the other’s needs, wishes, joy before our own. Thank God for the Holy Spirit, the Word, and Mark Gungor’s hilarious DVD’s.
Selfishness in marriage? I can define it. I live with it. Its all around me to a point that Marriage has become a chore/duty. I have to please and give up everything to please my husband, and it has to be his way or he will get upset. I have to comb my hair the way he likes, wear the clothes and colors he likes, eat his kind of food. He has emotionally abused me for 3 years and I do not know if i want to be married anymore. My husband calls me all the worst things, i have no favor before him at all. It is hard, and am still here because I do not know how to begin leaving when I made a vow. We are Christians and met in church. He has refused to see a marriage counselor or even our church pastor saying we do not need third party help, its me who has to change. (PHYSICALLY). He chooses the physical appearance more than who I am within and says our marriage is based on how I look. I pray alot for him, still respect and forgive him all the time but most times he gets all wired up and says he is depressed, sad, not happy because am not skinny, I do not have long hair, i do not wear bangs on my face, i do not have that kind of body he likes and anything he can make up. He will not look at me, and when instructing me to do stuff, he does not talk but waves his hands to instruct me like am deaf. I have told him to make a decision about what he wants to do, but he will not make up his mind. Please when is this going to stop? Is this marriage? He does not like my bum and so he will not touch me, hey, whatever he does not like, has to go….so my last blow is for him to tell me to go for surgery to reduce my bum. Really? what is marriage? somebody help me. I have read the article and comments here, and to tell you the truth, if sacrifice is coming from one side, what is the other spouse who will not agree to counselling give up? Nothing, its all about him and divorce for us is not an option. I need help because am tired of pretending to be someone am not. When does this give, give and give stop and how does it feel like to receive? It sounds like a silly question but to me its real. How can things get better? And worst of all, his dad and mum have lived together under the same roof for more than 50 years and stopped talking after 15 years, mum cheated but they did not get divorced, dad started drinking and although they lived together, each lives a separate life. I do not want my marriage to be like that. He has refused to have children because he says they are too much responsibility. When I got pegnant last year, he was so depressed and did not hide it, he sang it everyday until I got a miscarriage, then he was grinning from ear to ear. I am so Sad. I work hard at work and am all bubbly when he is not around but am dying inside. I hate the weekends when we have to spend more time together. He is suffocating me with his negativity, and nothing I do makes him happy. However much I try to do what I think will be good for him, he does not point out the good, he will look for the bad. Am dying inside. To tell you the truth, if I was not a christian, I would have left long time ago. Yes, I lost my self esteem the first 3 months we got married and it has gone down to -45, like the winter in Canada. How can I change to make it better for the King, because I do not have the guts to take a hike yet because am a child of God. At this point, does God say “pray and wait, I will work it all out for good”
Help! I’m at a loss on what to do with my so called marriage. I’ve only been married 8 1/2 times. There is no intimacy in our marriage. In the beginning it was ok 1 or 2 times every couple of months then it turned to once every 6 months then 1 every 1 1/2 years and now its 1 or 2 every 3 1/2 years. I think I’m lucky to say we’ve maybe had sex a total of 20 times in 8 1/2 yrs. In the beginning we went to a christian counselor. She put my husband on anti depressants. So I tried to be understanding for years. Well now he went off of them and has been off of them for 1 year 8 months. So now whats the excuse. He even told me he was gettig “feeling back down there”. Well what is he doing with that feeling because he hasn’t shared it with me. He only has one arm and for some reason says when he lays down in bed he loses it (the erection). When he gets on top it hurts his back because he can’t hold himself up. When he trys standing and I lay on the bed which is up high he says that it hurts his legs. He has told me “it’s a chore to have sex with you”. I’ve tried through prayer to be honest with him and we read the “His needs, Her Needs” book several years ago. Now he doesn’t want to do anything with me, no dates no nothing but watching t.v. together. Yeah what a life an he quit going to church with me which was huge for me and I’ve explained it to him how much that means to me and that he promised me after we got married he wouldn’t quit going. I know the bible says if you chose to be with someone who doesn’t believe you’re stuck with them. I waited in life to get married for the first time for both of us at age 36. I told him I wasn’t thinking of anyone else that I wanted to grow old with him but when your needs are not met you eventually seek outside of the home for it. It starts out with a compliment then you seek that person out then coffee then the bed. I’ve even prayed God would help me be faithful to him. I love him but feel I get nothing in return. It’s like a friendship and we’re roomates but sleep in the same bed usually. When do you say you’ve done all you could and call it quits??
Signed very troubled at home.
oops that was suppose to say 8 1/2 years not times.
Dear Mark, Thank you for helping all of us with your insights.
May God continue to bless you and thank you for sharing your blessings with us.
Happy New Year!
Very sincerely, Linda
If I want something done a certain way I will do it myself and visa versa.
My wife and I led a small group using your Laugh Your Way to A better Marriage series and then did a second one using your Stinking Thinking series. It is a couple years later and there are many concepts in your programs that we still use in our marriage and in our current recovery ministries. Thank you for all you do.
Ron Smeberg
Thank you so much for the articles on selfishness. I used to catch myself saying some of those sayings of doing things my way. Now, I have learned to either do it myself or change my expectations. I am now happy spending time together or Blessed that he helps out around the house.
My husband is THE most selfish man and believes the World revolves around HIM, HIS PROBLEMS, HIS JOB, HIS HOBBY, HIS FRIENDS, HIS I PHONE, HIS FACEBOOK PAGE, and HIS DOGS. We married less than 2 yrs ago and he is accountable for NOTHING. I have my own money. I ask him for nothing. He has an expensive hobby that costs so much that we never go to dinner – a movie – have friends over – nothing.
I asked him to do a couple chores as I worked a weekend and he did what he felt like doing at the time. Not much. I came home to find him on the PHONE – drinking beer – and giving me lame excuses why he didn’t get the jobs done. I am not a nag. This was a request made MORE than once. Clogged kitchen drain. Dog pee on the new wood floor, setting a cage for a wild animal under the backyard shed.. etc. I was not happy. He tried to turn things around to make ME look like the bad guy – that HE could do those chores when HE felt like it and did I expect him to JUMP UP at THAT moment?? That drain had been clogged for months. Try rinsing clean dishes in a sink full of soapy water!?
He is now stonewalling me. Refuses to discuss ANY problems – pretending ALL is fine. He should have stayed a bachelor. I’m convinced the only reason he married me was to have a housekeeper, cook, grocery shopper, dog sitter, laundress, someone who would never ask for money, and allow him to buy his TOYS that he paid for out of his 401K !!! We never even got a honeymoon!
Am at my wits’ end. I married a child. Yes, I knew what he was – but why is it ok to stay a selfish, entitled, spoiled brat within a marriage that takes TWO???????
He wants what he wants when HE wants it. In 7 yrs we have never even been to a movie!