Not Your Mother
by Mark Gungor on March 19th, 2009So often I hear women complain because they have to ask their husbands to do things. They complain that they have to remind them—sometimes repeatedly—to put their laundry away or do the dishes or help with the kids. The list of transgressions that they recite is then followed with a line similar to, “I should be his wife, not his mother!” or “I feel like I have two small kids and a big one!” You get the idea. What is really at the bottom of all this frustration is that these women expect their men to be like women.
Because another woman would see that the dishes needed to be done, or the laundry put away. Their sisters, mothers, or girlfriends would automatically know that the kids need to be bathed and put to bed and they would jump right in and do it. But men are not women! Often, we literally don’t see these things; they aren’t big priorities to us and, as far as we know, the world won’t end if they aren’t tended to immediately.
That is not to say that men don’t care about their wives… which is the avenue most women will immediately drive down in a situation like this. We, men, do care about our wives. Just because your husband doesn’t jump up from dinner, rush to clear the table, load the dishwasher, fold the towels in the dryer and take on pajama patrol with the kids, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. Not being aware of these things doesn’t make him evil – it just makes him a man.
Honestly, women can get their men to do things for them if they just treat men like men and stop expecting them to be women. Ladies, you need to do some things differently with the male than you do with a female. In my seminar, I spend a whole session on “How to Get a Man to Do What You Want.” The first thing I explain is that you have to ask, and no, that doesn’t make you his mother!
This is a real challenge for women because they think, “But if he really loved me, I wouldn’t have to ask!” Like by some cosmic force, men are supposed to automatically know what you want. Then for some strange reason that is known only to the female brain, a woman will make the leap and reason, “Well, if I have to ask, especially more than once, that makes me more like a mother than a wife!” Nonsense. Just because you have to ask, even several times, it doesn’t mean that you are his mother. Of course women cry out, “Well, that’s what a mother does!” Using that crazy logic, you could just as easily say the following: Prostitutes have sex with men so if I have sex with him, I’m a prostitute. It’s flawed thinking.
Seriously, ladies! You need to chill out on this one. Your husband is a man and men need to be asked and reminded. That doesn’t make us evil – it just makes us men. We also need to be asked without insults and a good incentive program works wonders with us too! (Which, by the way, are the steps I detail in my book and seminar.) Listen, God made men this way. The Bible says right off the bat that it was not good for Adam to be alone. He needed a helper, so God created Eve to be his helper. That implies that he needed her help to do things. And I’m sure it wasn’t lifting the fallen trees in the garden. Maybe it was more along the line that Adam didn’t notice the fig leaves lying on all over the ground that needed to be swept up or the fact that the peaches needed picking and the pantry was empty. What if it was God’s original intention that Eve was created to be the one to remind him, to ask him, to help him out, to guide and direct him? Would that change the way you see your role?
We need you wonderful women in our lives to help us with the things that we just don’t see; the things that don’t come naturally to us. But expecting us to intuitively be like you just ain’t gonna happen. Wives need to learn how to get their husbands to do things by asking for what you want or need, asking more than once, asking the right way, and using bartering, incentives and a language we understand. We love that stuff and you can get us to do most anything for you. That makes you our helper not our mother.
By the way, we don’t want you to be our mothers either… in fact, the thought of having sex with our mother really creeps us out! We want you and need you to be our wives and our helpers, just like God intended.
Mark,
I sent you an email about this very same thing to your radio show yesterday and you read it on the air. I can’t believe how much a like our messages are to each others. I’m so glad that I get what you talk about and see things the same way.
God bless your ministry and I hope it continues to grow radically for many years to come.
I am glad to have heard men do not enjoy or are not responsive when we as women do harm our relationship with our husbands or men by expecting a girlfriend in our mate. This is my mistake made constantly without knowing it the requests come out so strong and I forget that we mates are not the same gender arranged by our God! Ashamedly I enjoyed our friendship we shared as men and women than now we seem to be each other’s roommates or just parents and forget that we are never meant to be the same as each other. That is what is wonderful about the male species. Then the only socially acceptable thing would be to tend to spill our emotional needs with others like our moms, and sisters or girlfriends rather than for myself expecting my husband to be my girlfriend, although it would be nice to have someone sharing our emotions and excitement with, it’s not the end of the world if they’re not there. Sometimes practically stopping first before speaking then practicing what and how to say to our mates our needs and expectations. It is not ever a perfect execution but we try our best to get our point across to our mates without hopefully without hurting our spouse’s feelings. God bless all of the christian marriages especially!
I dont think you have the right to say what is at the bottom of this issue with women. Why because you are not a woman. I think you are a great leader Mark but Im not sure women are likely to listen to you on this one. Telling us to not feel this way when we do feel this way seems futile and insane. Are you getting anywhere telling women this. Im not sure. I do think we need to figure out a way to move past those feelings and do what your suggesting as fas it relates to getting men to do what we need them to but telling us our feelings are crazy is just RUDE. You dont get it because you are a man. If we feel this way we should work it through with women. That at least is fair. I think you are expecting us to be men by telling us not to feel this way and we are not men. Dont expect us to be men and we wont expect men to be women.
I think you are missing Mark’s point. He is only trying to say to try and see it from a man’s point of view. He’s right, closing the toilet lid, taking out the trash, empty the dishwasher is not at the top of their priority list!
When was the last time that your priority list held changing the oil on the car, mowing the lawn or building that shelving unit in the garage?
We need to first understand that guys dont think like us and that we need to add an element of patience to our mindset.
I’m not sure it’s just a man / woman thing. Culture may have dictated certain ways things have been done in the past, but I think sometimes it is just simply awareness. Too many families have both parents working to simply let those assumptions and cultural habits continue. Somehow, I was fortunate enough to marry a man who watched his mother work all day then come home and fix dinner and stand on her feet the rest of the night cleaning, doing laundry etc… while her husband/his dad came in from his long day at work and sat down. He didn’t think it was fair and basically looked at household stuff as a shared responsibility, not him “helping” me. Not to say that there are certain responsibilities that he and I have sort of naturally gravitated to being “ours”. He’s the neat “pick up and straighten” guy and I’m the “cleaner”. I generally look after the cars, taxes and our investments. (I was a banker in a former life i.e. before kids). I used to find and arrange for the babysitters, but I had the relationships with them, he didn’t. I used to work part time on Saturdays, just so he could have a day to himself being dad. It forced the kids to know that there was someone other than mom they could go to for the supposed “mom” stuff and he sort of got a glimpse into my days.
Alyssa,
Wow…obviously you have misunderstood Mr. Gungor! As well as you have NOT read his books, attended a seminar, nor seen any of his DVDs. So, before you get all high and mighty about “understanding women” on that soap box of your’s – try educating yourself fully on his message!
And honestly, the male brain does work EXACTLY THAT WAY! How do I know? I had a failed marriage, and now a very successful one (thanks to implementing the tips and tools of Mark Gungor). I can see in comparison that he is right. It isn’t just about us changing our way of thinking, there are other parts of the seminar that are the same about guys!
Mark Gungor tries to help give both parties in the couple INSIGHT into each others minds so that way they have an understanding of how the other person feels and thinks, so that way they can communicate on a better level!
Seriously, before you start all of your mindless squawking about us women, educate yourself! You would have known all of this if you had previously educated yourself further on Mr. Gungor’s message. I would greatly appreciate if you would educate yourself before speaking on behalf of the entire female population, because I DO understand what Mark Gungor is saying. I use his tips and tools daily in my marriage, and we just had our 5 year anniversary, so I think we’ve been doing pretty great since we both use his DVDs and books.
And to answer your question you asked Mr. Gungor, YES HE DOES GET WOMEN TO LISTEN, UNDERSTAND, and utilize the tools he gives us to create a better marriage! I know many women who have nothing but wonderful things to say about Mr. Gungor! Please do not speak on behalf of all women until you fully know what his message is.
Deo juvante,
Pyretta
i have attended his seminar, and listen to his show, watch him on tv, and I still disagree with what he said in this blog. I use alot of his advice too I just dont agree with what he said in this blog
No one can say what is best for ALL women, not even you. If you CHOOSE to do everything around the house while your man sits in the recliner watching baseball, it is just that: A choice. Just like men CHOOSE not to participate in household obligations. Mark is a smart man, but he does get things wrong from time to time, as do we all. I don’t know if anyone realizes that, but it is possible for people to be wrong every once in a while.
Alyssa,
Are you married or are you just in a relationship with a man?
The reason I ask is because nearly EVERY demension of your relationship changes with a man when you go from dating to being married. I’m not just talking about when you have kids everything changes, but there is an extreme change when you go from spending your time with someone to pledging your life, your love and your support to one person for the rest of your life.
My husband and I do have our challenges due to his past relationships, my past relationships, the emotional abuse we both endured growing up, the sexual abuse I endured in nearly every relationship I had before I met him and the list goes on including the fact that we got pregnant 7 months into our relationship. While sitting in one of Mark’s seminars, my husband kept nodding his head and nudging me when Mark would explain the man’s point of view, as if to say, “honey, please take note – this is what I want you to know, but have previously had no idea how to express it to you.” I even nudged him in the same loving manner on some things. We put the advice into practice, and even though at times we forget, Mark’s advice has really helped change our relationship. Sure we still have our fights, but they’re not as frequent or as bad as they used to be. You really have to believe in something and put it into practice with the right additude, frame of mind, and heartset. If you’re doing it just beacause someone told you to do it, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. If you want to put these things into practice, you need to do it with a loving and understanding additude, realize that sometimes both you and your mate will forget to put some things in practice, and do it because you love your mate, you have respect for your mate and you really want the best possible relationship with your mate.
Be positive about it. I’ve been asking my husband to do things instead of demanding and talking to him instead of trying to make him read my mind and we’ve really grown a lot closer and our love has become deeper. Each day we fall more in love and grow closer, which reflects on our daughter while she’s growing up.
My husband has even realized that I will think about everything all at once, have to have things in order before we move, before we take trips and basically before we do anything. This is just me being my womanly self.
I would highly recommend that you take the flag page test and get the book that goes along with it. Once you get the results from that you will see your mate in a whole new way and your mate will see you in a new way. When you know what motivates each other, try putting Mark’s advice into practice again. Maybe then you will see a change.
I agree with Alyssa. Completely. This entire article/post sounds almost vitriolic toward women and seems to strongly want to give a “pass” to men for just about anything they don’t feel like doing. Since he’s comparing this whole thing to kids/mothering, well, when we raise kids we don’t ever give them the kind of grace-period that Mark is extending to grown men (who SHOULD know better). Wanna know what’s at “the root” of this issue for women? Not women expecting me to be women (as if we’d really want that…) but men not being expected to grow up and be men. No, we do not want to feel like we have just another lazy teenage boy in the house who has to be prodded to do what is right in front of them. Mark, here’s some logic for you — manly kind of logic you should be able to follow: the armed forces take in lazy, pimple-faced teen guys all the time and in a few short years are somehow able to “magically” turn out MEN who don’t have to be prodded, nagged or reminded to be neat, tidy, orderly and responsible grown MEN. ‘Splain that. No one would ever accuse the military and its drill officers of having turned out a bunch of WOMEN…having turned a group of guys into ladies who care about how neat their room is and how neat their appearance is. Nope. We respect the military — why is it that if its a wife looking for basically the same attributes, we’re accused of “sissifying” men???? Here’s why. Its always easier to blame a woman/wife in the name of nagging. I look around and see a culture of men shirking their responsibilities as leaders in the home and instead being lazy, couch-bound sports watchers or video game players. No wonder their respective wives don’t respect them or have given up and begun treating them like just another lazy teen in the home. Men are to be the head of the home and as such need to turn off the tv and the computer games and start acting as such.
I am laughing SO loud right now! I said this in my post, too, but you said it SO much better!!
And it’s so true…men who want to be respected need to be WORTHY of respect. You don’t walk into your place of employment and DEMAND that everyone there respect you because you are a man. But women are expected to do this in the home! If you are the “leader” of the family, you need to act like one! Otherwise, you are just another child.
are you ladies christian women??? i mean, are we talking on a spiritual level here, or is it all about who’s right and who’s wrong. cause i tell ya, right and wrong has never brought Life into any relatinoship. I too, struggle with the times when my husband is not helpful and when i have to remind him over and over again of the things that have to get done. But i think that if a woman is not willing to try to understand a man\ ie her husband, than she shouldn’t get married to begin with!! Let alone, respecting, loving unconditionally, edifying someone into improvement. Yes, there are times for confrontation. i have had great responses with ‘mild explosions’ on my part, but they had to be respectful of who my husband is, and his role in the family. Part of a man’s makeup is that if he’s not respected he’ll withdraw and feel so insecure that he won’t even think he can be helpful or productive. The way we say things are super important. i understand your points regarding what p. mark wrote about, i think his main point though wasn’t so much how the wife interprets the situation but that if we can get a peek at how things work in their heads we’ll be more patient, adopt a strategy and stop being so childish about it. let’s not be selfish, and so what if i have to die to myself to love my husband into the man i know he can be???
PS. we are thankful for the army,but the army doesn’t have to love and cherish until death do us part. can’t compare what’s not comparable. Marriage is the only institution that came out of the garden of eden. it’s my choice to value it more than our differences.
Believe it’s hard to just respect your man. We’ve been married for 8 years have four kids the oldest is 6. My husband once was firred and second time laid off from work, all because of being late to show up. At the same time I was responsible to get up at night every time when the kids were crying. I had to make sure everything is taken care of in the house even oil changed on time in cars.
I was raised in the house when man is taking a responsibility and woman is here to help him. My life is a totally different story…
My fourth baby was just 5 mos. old, when I had to go out and find a job. My husband is so passive, it’s hard to express. It’s almost impossible to make any reason with him. Just recently we had to pay huge fines, due to his behavior. And last week received a letter from bank that if we won’t pay $4,0000 in 30 days the house will be reposest. How can i live with all of that and still respect him? We did go on Mark’s seminar and have his DVD, but………
wow, well said! i have several children and tried to have them understand the need to work as a team. my son really thought i was unreasonable and asking for too much. of course if it is a baseball team or a football team…a male mind then understands the meaning of teamwork.
cooperation was too much to ask for the home though.
well he joined the military and guess what? he was put in charge of a group of guys and it was his responsibility to make sure they did their chores and whatever else they were expected to do. if they didn’t, then he had to do it himself or force them.(sounds like moms options) he spent many a night up all night making sure things were done.
did it stick? during none military hours, only partly.
i really think respect has a more prominent factor here. men want other mens respect more. they put more effort into their workplace, fun with their buddys, planning hunting trips …telling tall tales…
they want the respect of their wives, but many men don’t honor their wives enough to put effort into their marriage.
my husband was a minister. and he is probably one of the better guys around. he felt if he put all efforts into doing Gods work, then God would take care of the family. kind of like how missionaries put their children in boarding schools so they could freely go on their missionary trips. God gave them children, entrusted them with these babies, but somehow it didn’t click they were worth their time as well.
i don’t see that in the Bible, but men decide their own priorities.
my experience, is that if it is not one thing its another. if it is not ministry then it is some other noble cause he takes up. it definitely sounds better than losing them to the tv or video games, but i still lost a part of my life, that i really don’t believe was asking for too much.
and no, i did not start out a nag. i am certain i was one of the more compliant, understanding people around. yeah, even the personality tests agree. but because i was easy to put off, it became the style of our marriage.
the thing is, he does not like being put off. he does not like me treating him the way he treats me.
Thank you for the insight Mark, however, asking your man “more than once” and “reminding him” can become “nagging” and men really despise that. But I do agree that you need your man to stop and look directly at you with his full attention when you are asking or telling him something important! Your ministry is wonderful, you’ve helped me tremendously, thanks!!
Asking repeatedly, in a nice way isn’t nagging. Mark clearly states that nagging only kicks in when you add an “attitude”. Check with your husband and he’ll probably say the same thing!
It’s really hard to “ask” for something more than once without getting an attitude. Anyone, man or woman, would find it hard to do this.
God will help you , if you ask Him!
is being hurt an attitude? how about feeling unappreciated? feeling worthless? crying and asking, begging to feel my lifes work, taking care of him and 7 children was somehow considered a job well done.
i have been encouraged knowing i did it for the Lord ultimately. and He appreciates my efforts. and truly my children are worth it, but i am saddened to think they did not see Gods best in their parents marriage. it had been very, very important to me to show Gods plans as being doable and successful and blessed.
i still have to look at my husband in the face though, and i struggle to remember to separate the pain he caused me from the unconditional love i should have for him. i have to remind myself it is in the end his weakness that he could not treat me as i needed to be treated. but also in the end, he cheated himself. i wanted to be a better woman, and overcomer in my own weaknesses, but he refused to be a part of that when a needed a partner. so what he had as a wife was not all i had hoped to be, just a portion of the potential God had for me.
life would have less struggle if we truly were thankful for eachother. life has its own problems to deal with, without adding childish selfishness.
attitude. when men call us as having attitude, with their own attitude, who is he listening to spiritually?
is the head of the household listening to our Father? if not Him, then whom? himself? or the one who promotes strife?
where is the love in these christian men? my husband was a minister so i have heard more than most probably of marital struggles within the church. sex is more important than love to them. sure they want to be loved and respected as well. but far more effort is put into getting sex. sadly, if they could only comprehend, being loving, considerate, selfless, Christlike, would certainly get them much more intimacy and better, much better intimacy.
alyssa,
With all due respect, I understand where you are coming from on this one, BUT this message of his is not the complete message that Mark delivers. I just finished attending his seminar less than 3 hours ago and I have to tell you that it was absolutely wonderful! All I ask is, that before you finalize your thoughts on Mark or his message, either read his book or attend a seminar to get the whole story, not just the piece you see here. He truly has an amazing way of putting things into perspective.
He might be “wonderful”, but does that make this message right? That is a fallacy, just as the fallacy Mark disputed in his blog.
I agree with Alyssa. In addition, your sense of humor will definetly work with men but I have to admit I was about to stop reading this because you sounded like an insensitive jerk! I agree that woman do need to acknowledge that men are different, no doubt. We do need to embrace our differences! But if you want women to listen to you Mark, you had better “chill out” yourself and get a woman to soften your writing.
Actually, Mark has a woman that helps him with his writing! His delivery is direct and to the point, in this area and all areas that he speaks in. Read more of the blog posts and you’ll see.
You know, I don’t have a problem with the fact that my husband doesn’t see these things. I don’t have a problem with the idea that I have to ask. I DO have a problem with two facts: that he devalues my doing them and that if I do ask – even once – I’m nagging and disrespecting him. And no, it doesn’t matter how I ask – the very fact that I ask is, as far as he’s concerned, disrespectful. If I do it myself, by myself, and it takes longer than he thinks it should, I’m bad wife. If I ask for his help, I”m a disrespectful wife. The no-win situation is what bothers me.
I think your husband has some growing up to do and also needs to take a good look at his relationship with you.I do not think he is being a man and a husband you deserve.I think what needs to happen is you need to have a backbone and tell him that he better shape up or throw his butt out of the house.He sounds so un-appreciative of you and it makes me sick.It just goes to show you how some men can give the rest of us a bad wrap.I am sorry you are in this situation and hope one day soon your husband will grow up and show you how you are to be treated properly.
I agree with Tommy. Your husband really has some growing up to do.
Wow, my earlier comments certianly hit a hot spot with some people. Anyone out there have any suggestions on how to deal with a man who has self sufficient and independent at the top of his flag page. Its like the man thinks I owe him the moon and he doesnt have to do anything. Im not married yet but I dont know whether to keep going.
Sounds to me like this guy of yours doesn’t appreciate you and you should keep looking and praying for the man God has for you that will love you and you will respect him likewise. Anything you see before marriage, you can only expect to exponentiate after – you want those to be good things that get great. Some things get better, but this issue is not one of them. There are a lot of things women take lightly without really understanding them. There’s a lot of reasons for that. It’s also why there are so many books out there for us like “Battlefield of the Mind”, “Sexually Confident Wife” and “Lies Women Believe”. It’s because it’s a well-known fact that we as women tend to over-analyze and expect things that aren’t real. It has a lot to do with the whole female-power movement and the things we have heard and been taught in the last 50-60 years. Women never treated men the way we do now 100 years ago. I’m at fault, too. I constantly believe that thought that “my husband should know by now”, and yet I am only setting myself up for disappointment. How do you avoid disappointment? Know the facts and don’t expect things that are not real. I agree that understanding our men more will help us be better wives. I look forward to attending one of Mark’s seminars soon (loved Pastor Ed and so far love Mark, too). I would also recommend Love and Respect by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs. It really opened my eyes, and my husband appreciated that so much. It’s a daily challenge, but I believe God every day to help me renew my mind and think before expecting (it’s an assuming thing, and we know where that gets us!:).
Blessings to you.
Don’t count his being self sufficient and independant as weaknesses, these are his strengths and his motivations. If you try to keep him from being self sufficient and independant, you will not have a very happy man on your hands.
I’m only guessing that the two of you are complete opposites. I am from fun country first, then from perfect country, control and lastly peace. My husband is from peace country, then control, perfect and lastly fun. My husband’s first two are competent and strong willed. If I send any signal that he is not qualified to do something, I have a very unpleasant man on my hands. But when I encourage him and tell him that he is doing well and I believe in him, you wouldn’t believe how happy he is and how willing he is to do things for me, for himself, for our child, for us, and for our family as a whole.
I am creative and the life of the party. If at any time he smirks at my art work or ideas or tells me that I’m too hyper or need to grow up, he crushes me and I just want to crawl in my own little hole. But when he appreciates my art and my flamboyant and outgoing personality as who I am, then I am willing to go above and beyond for him.
Don’t count him out just yet. Instead, let what you see as weaknesses be his strengths and let him shine. He will be such a pleasure to be around. Let him be himself and you be yourself. Two totally different people CAN live together and make things work. Where I am weak, my husband is strong. Where my husband is weak, I am strong. Could you imagine the power struggle that you would face if both of you had the same strengths?
Take it one day at a time.
My problem would be a little different. I do laundry, I wash clothes, I put the kids to bed. Not all by myself every single time, but I do as much as my wife of nearly 12 years. And sometimes more. Just this past week, i ironed uniforms for our 3 children for school. They each had enough to last through Wednesdaay. I overslept Thursday morning, and when I did get up, take a bath, and rush out the door for work, my wife was mad that she had to iron one pair of pants and fix breakfast for the kids.(We both work, I have to be at work at 7, she at 8), When I over sleep, I ask her, why didn’t you just get me up? Her reply will be that she is not my mother, I am a grown man, I should get up on my own. I know a lot of men who make fun of me for how much I do around the house. Yey, it doesn’t bother me to do it, and I don’t even want praise. But I feel like the more I do, the less she does, and the more she demands and is upset when the pendulam swings the other way.
Too often people just don’t work together – regardless of gender. Some people are just so selfish. I think one question that people should ask of potential spouses is: “When there is a task at work that is not really assigned to anybody, but anyone is qualified to do it, and it must be done, what do you do?” If the answer is, “That’s not my job,” RUN AWAY FAST!!!!!!
It just goes to show you, this is not an issue of “man” or “woman”. It’s not biology or nature. It’s how a person was raised and what their own personal values involve. James, I am sorry for the situation you are in. Many people (men, women, or indifferent) are often stuck in a relationship that is one-sided. It’s just plain selfish behavior. Women cannot be expected to just suck it up and do it, and “ask nicely” for others to do what is their DUTY, and neither can men. I commend you, James, for providing an outstanding example for your children, as well as us here in the forum. It just goes to show, women don’t have to be happy with the “place” they are given by their husbands. And you shouldn’t either! What would happen, theoretically, if you, James, “asked” your wife “nicely” to contribute around the house? I suppose you would get the same response that some women get: “You don’t appreciate all that I do around here.” etc. Am I right? It’s a selfish person, not “a man just being a man” or “a woman just being a woman.” Would you agree?
W.O.W. WOW!! I really don’t know how to put this but, james i think your gonna have to pray about that sitiuation. There has to be something more deeper than just the attitude shes giving you. if your relationship does not have god in it that’s the problem. But, if it does than god should be addressed about it. And go to a local and trusted pastor who knows about your situation and can help you out. OR if you tried those things ask Mark Gungor for help. After all he is a MAN. : ) LOL!
For anyone who has problems like james and Laura Lin. Go to resources and click on “Honey I’m Sorry.” This will help you out great.
My wife and I have been married for 24 yrs. this February. Although we love each other and are committed Christians, we’ve struggled a lot with some of the challenges Mark sights. Our friends loaned us Mark’s conference DVDs to watch. My wife and I sat and started watching them one evening, and realized what a revelation it was. During one of the seseions, my wife turned to me and said,” Now I get! It’s not your heart, but your head!” My wife knows that I’m no slouch sharing house work, and actually I like cooking and cleaning toilets. Yet, it use to befuddle her that I wouldn’t get to things she requested right away. I would prioritise things with other things in my mind, and her requests may not land at the top. Sometimes in the process, I would forget, and that would get us in a vicious cycle of disrespect and unlovingness. At her admission, she used to question my heart, and at times she thought I was being spiteful. We’ve both laughed through the DVDs, and now we’re both better equiped for it. The bottom line is, like Mark said, we must be committed to “doing the right thing”. In marriage, and I know, you WILL have trouble! If either spouse is not committed, for marriage is a covenant relationship, doing the right things, then it’s a heart issue. Truth will set you to perform what is right.
James 4:17
Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do
it, to him it is sin.
I just returned from a marriage retreat where your DVD was played. I agreed with alot of your messages, but i will have to say, i really did not appriciate the way you portrayed women. It was very difficult for myself and my husband to watch your DVD and take your messages serious when you would talk in that high pitched whiney voice and end your sentences with the blah blah blahs…i found it very rude and condicending, and i really was suprized that you kept doing it! The first time or two it was kind of funny, but after hearing it over and over i was very dissapointed! I think had you left that out, it would have been great, but to me that really ruined it all! When you were talking about respecting your spouse and all those other things, yet you were making women sound like whiney, annoying and naggy, and it just really suprized me! I know you were shooting twords being funny, but i just really feel that you took it a little too far…and i know i was not the only woman at our retreat who felt that way, we were all just sitting there feeling very made fun of, and we felt we were watching someone try to be a stand up comedian rather than a pastor trying to help us strengthen our marriages! You seem like a wonderful pastor with great intentions on helping people, and i would love to watch more of your seminars, but only if you can tone down the impersonations.
Have a light heart.
Did you also see Mark sit there and talk about what men were like when they had their “nothing box” open?
I can guarantee you that Mark has pure intentions – and, his seminar is called LAUGH your way to a better marriage. When you bring laughter into a discussion that is really hard to talk about, it makes the air lighter and is intended to keep the tension at bay so nobody feels attacked – man or woman.
I myself laughed at times when no one else was laughing, I had a good time and even saw myself in the “woman” he portrayed.
I’m glad you saw yourself in that woman, but not all of us are the “typical” woman. Some of us avoid being the “typical” woman at all costs, but are still portrayed as such and treated as such.
That’s because, most of the time, Christian people and society want to make everything the woman’s fault. It’s all us. We’re the problem. If we want our men to treat us a certain way, we have to treat HIM a certain way. The catch-22 is, we start out treating our husbands a certain way, and we only stop because we see that we are catering to the needs of our men and not having OUR needs met. I’m sorry, but in most situations I see, it’s the MAN who needs to change. We don’t need to just “suck it up and deal with it.” We have the right to be “honored and cherished”, just as much right as they do!!! So quit blaming women for all the world’s problems, and do what’s RIGHT!
I was laughing as I read this blog, because it reminded me of a conversation that I had with my husband and my brother. I was telling my husband that I was frustrated that he did not take the garbage out to the trashcan. I had bagged it and felt he could at least take it out. (it was sitting by the back door) I had seen him walk past it a couple of times while I was cleaning the room. His reply was that I did not ask him to do it and I had quickly informed him that I was not his mother and asked why I had to ask him to do it? Could he not see it needed to be done. Well, he said that he did not see it. I thought this was insane!!!
My brother was taking this all in and asked if he could share his opinion. I said sure and we both turned to him. My brother’s opinion was that he felt that if I had bagged the trash and made it to the back door, that I could have just as easily walked my happy butt out the door to put the trash in the trashcan!! I thought, there is no winning this war!
It is sad that the little petty things affect us but they do. I was given 2 different insights into a man’s mind at that moment and still felt frustrated at the end. Thanks Mark, I appreciate this blog, and you are right, men just don’t think the same way as women!
It’s great to see someone speaking up for men. So many times “marriage counselors” make a living on men bashing and in doing so creates a super high standard that women put on men. We make love more about the cosmetic stuff rather than “the two becoming one flesh”. Thanks for speaking our language Mark!
Why shouldn’t you be held to high standards? You WANT to live a mediocre life? The trend, Jason, is that men think they should be held to a low standard, while at the same time placing IMPOSSIBLY high standards on their wives! WHO has to pick up all that slack? WE DO. If marriage is not a partnership, then one person is the dictator and one person is the “loyal subject”. Which do you think most often ends up being the loyal subject? And society encourages these values. Wonderful! I didn’t ask to be born a woman, and yet I’m punished for being a woman.
When my sweetie and I first started out, I used to notice empty toilet paper and paper towel rolls and empty egg cartons sitting out by the front door. I asked him about it and he said that was to remind himself that he needed to pick up those things at the grocery store. I laughed because it actually made sense! (We have since graduated to a written shopping list pinned with magnets to the refrigerator.)
What I have found helpful over the years with my sweetie is to recognize the things he actually enjoys doing around the house and make sure he has the opportunities to do those things. He most definitely does not enjoy washing produce or chopping onions, so I don’t ask him to do those things. In the kitchen he enjoys sitting down in front of the garbage can and peeling vegetables, so when I cook and I want his company in the kitchen I set aside those kinds of tasks for him. He notices before I do that my car needs washing and he’ll take care of it without me even asking him.
I’ve noticed, too, that when I ask him to do something, he may have his own timetable for doing it which may not be my timetable. That pile of stuff in the living room that is designated “donations for Goodwill” might annoy me a little, but if I mention it once in a while and just trust him, I know he will eventually take care of it.
I admit that he is pretty good about things like taking out the garbage. When he does not take it out then I simply step in and do it.
Yes, he leaves the lid up on the toilet. Yes, he likes to pretend the kitchen trash is a basketball hoop and he misses it with the banana peels. If I thought about it there are probably other things he does that annoy me. But I have to admit that when our relationship started I was (and probably still am) the one with hangups about how things *should* be, and his sense of priorities in terms of household tasks was probably healthier. I made a lot of fuss over things that I have come to realize weren’t worth stressing out over. I am 50 now, but I grew up and lived most of my adult life very dysfunctional and emotionally crippled. My man has brought me steadfastness, balance, tranquility, and a sense of security. To this day I wonder what it was he saw in me that made him decide to stick with me. I cannot even begin to describe how what he has given me so outweighs those every day little annoyances.
I guess that is what every relationship is about. Is what you are getting out of it more than worth the annoyances that you must put up with? Because if no relationship was worth those annoyances, we’d all end up living by ourselves!
You are one of the lucky ones! It seems your husband makes great effort! I just tend to believe that if we, as wives, are expected to make great effort at “asking nicely” instead of demanding, then our husbands should make the effort to respond to our requests in a respectful and loving manner (i.e. not “okay, if you’re going to nag me about it!”) I believe that the wife deserves the same respect that the man DEMANDS for himself. If you’re not getting it, you’re not giving it. From your post, I can tell that you and your husband respect each other, and that your husband is worthy of your respect because of his efforts. Some of us are not so lucky.
All I could think about when I read this post was the following article from my local newspaper:
Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship
After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.
“My little pumpkin would practically be helpless without me,” said Hyams, 28, whose role in the adult relationship has slowly transformed from romantic lover to maternal caregiver over time. “I have to supervise almost everything he does, from making sure he gets up in the morning, to reminding him about his doctors’ appointments. I even have to pick out his clothes for him when we go shopping together.”
Added Hyams, “I don’t know how Pete would survive if I weren’t around.”
The couple—who met in 2005 and have been living together since Mazursky was evicted from his apartment—have not always had it so easy. In the beginning, their interpersonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including periodic moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.
Luckily for the pair, this early period of instability quickly began to break down as arguments over Mazursky’s irresponsibility and Hyams’ controlling personality gave way to the codependent harmony they now share.
“She takes care of me,” said Mazursky, 26, unconsciously looking to Hyams for approval. “With Janet, I never have to worry about stuff like picking up after myself, or remembering to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Plus, she always makes all of the big decisions for both of us, which is nice.”
Since falling into preprogrammed roles from early childhood, the couple have seen their relationship undergo a number of significant changes. Sexual intercourse, once a favorite and frequent pastime, has steadily dropped off in regularity, ceasing altogether earlier this month.
“We don’t have to be having sex all the time to be happy,” said Mazursky, who by this point has entirely sublimated his libido under the weight of his projected need for a maternal protector. “Right now we are focusing on other things, like losing weight. We have a system worked out where I can only eat cookies with Janet’s say-so, and if she catches me eating one without permission, she gets to ‘ground’ me from snacks for a week. It’s so great to be able to share that level of intimacy with another person.”
“My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted,” he added. “We just didn’t have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share.”
Hyams’ maternal duties include always paying the rent for Mazursky and then hounding him to get a job, performing basic household chores to make herself feel useful and needed, and monitoring Mazursky to make sure he doesn’t exceed his allotted three hours of video games per day. In return, Mazursky’s duties include playing touch football with his friends, giving Hyams someone to subconsciously feel superior to, making the bed after being yelled at to do so, and allowing Hyams to lick her finger and wipe smudges off his face before they go outside.
“When we first met, I knew there was something special about Pete—he was like a big teddy bear you just wanted to tuck into bed,” Hyams explained. “That’s not to say we don’t still have our problems. Sometimes he throws a tantrum when he doesn’t want to do the dishes, and I have to discipline him. But when he falls asleep with his head in my lap, it’s all worth it.”
Mazursky agrees.
“I’m really happy with Janet,” he said. “Not every guy’s got a girlfriend who calls him from work to make sure he’s had lunch. I guess I’m just one lucky kid.”
“I really love Mom—I mean, Janet,” Mazursky added.
These things don’t come “naturally” to us, either! We, as women, are taught from very young ages to care for the house. The men are not. For example, it was MY job to clean the bathroom in our house, even though my brother was the one who peed all over the toilet. I was expected to clean up his pee. When I asked why my brother and I didn’t have to “share” bathroom duty, my mother made excuses for him (he doesn’t do as good of a job as you, his *only* job to take out the trash, etc.) He didn’t do his laundry, my mom did it! I had to do my own! He would be asked to clean his room same as me, but they had stricter standards for him than they did for me because he was a “boy”.
I saw this phenomenon in action in my own home growing up, I know what happens. Women aren’t naturally inclined to be clean. My daughters weren’t born with some natural desire to keep their rooms clean, the dishes washed, and their laundry put away. Women are TRAINED to do these things, whereas MEN are not. The men who are raised CORRECTLY are, as are the men who go into the military. My husband has EXCELLENT cleaning skills, he was in the Air Force. Plus he didn’t have a mother that did everything for him, like many men. Cleaning doesn’t come NATURALLY to anyone! They can be TRAINED to want the kitchen clean and the laundry folded, and they darn well should be! Men and women aren’t naturally different in this way; they are TRAINED to be different.
Don’t give men a direct pass to shirk their household responsibilities, especially when so MANY women nowadays are working out of the home. I believe, that when we “ask” our men to clean, and especially when we “ask” them “repeatedly”, we are accused of being nags! So not only are you perpetuating the laziness of men, you are perpetuating the stereotype of “nagging wives”! Thanks a lot!
Ladies, we are not required to be our husbands’ mothers! They are very capable of cleaning up after themselves, even if they need to “learn” to do so. Unlike their mothers, you need to “train” them to do so. Why on earth should they get away with putting a spoon in the sink when they can take 2 seconds out of their day to put it in the dishwasher, just as well as WE can! They are not as helpless as they would have you believe.
This is such a major issue in my marriage and in so many marriages of my friends! If I let it, it will drive me right into the bitter barn and cause me to lock the door. Of course my husband’s response when that happens is to figuratively disappear until I am happy again!
I think the real issue here is not so much who does what in the household (although I do believe that all who live in the house should participate in taking care of it) but what are the needs I have that aren’t being met? If I am exhausted from what I’ve done all day (and for women I think exhausted usually means emotionally as well as physically) I can’t expect that my husband will see that–it’s often not as obvious as I think it is. So I can make the choice to explain that I need a little rest and could he please clear the table or play with our young son or whatever for a while. He may want some time alone, too, but I also know that he loves me and if it’s within his power to do what I’ve asked, he will. My problem is that I expect him to see and understand what is wrong with me and fix it, which is more the role of a parent. So when we women spend all of our time nurturing and caring for others, who nurtures us? Personally, I know that need is at the root of my problems with all this, and I am trying to continually go to God in prayer about it. And maybe that’s what Jesus meant when he told Martha she was worrying about so many things and she should be like Mary, spending time with Him. I pray that all of us who are struggling to have fulfilling marriages may get better about including God in these kind of issues, too. I know that satan would certainly like to see us all fail.
Peace.
Once again, you give men the excuses they need to be un-loving an thought-less. READ THE BIBLE MARK UNGER ! Stop labeling selfish behavior as just “Man behavior”
Sin is sin, it is just self centered. THe more you talk about your “man excuses”, the further you get from the WOrd that describes as the “new SPIRIT FILLED man”.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT AFTER FEW YEARS A HUSBAND SHOULD KNOW WHAT HIS WIFE EXPECTS FROM HIM FOR THE MOST PART. I KNOW WHAT MY HUSBAND LIKES TO EAT, WEAR, T.V. PROGRAMS AND SO ON. I’VE LEARNED THIS FROM BEING WITH HIM. OF COURSE WE ARE GROWING AND CHANGING AND WILLING TO TRY NEW THINGS,BUT STILL THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HE DOESN’T CHANGE, AND I KNOW THIS. AND I AM NOT THE ONE WHO HAS AN EYE FOR DETAIL, IT’S HIM !! IF WE AREN’T CAREFUL THIS ALL CAN BECOME AN EXCUSE FOR NOT STRETCHING IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS. MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT,THANK GOD BUT MEN ARE NOT STUPID. THEY LEARN WHAT’S EXPECTED FROM IN BUSINESS,SPORTS,ETC. AND THE MARRIAGE SHOULD BE FIRST ON THE LIST, NOT SOMEWHERE BELOW THESE OTHER THINGS.
i agree with melanie.
men should become students studying their wives, as should women, studying their husbands.
and marriage should be second only to God.