Marriage is a Mirror
by Mark Gungor on December 2nd, 2008Ever walk past a mirror and are shocked or mortified by what you see? Your hair standing up in a weird way, your slip showing, your fly open, egg stuck in your teeth? Mirrors can be real lifesavers. Had it not been for that mirror, you may have gone the entire day looking ridiculous.
Marriage is a mirror. By living so closely with another human being, you start to get a picture of what you really look like. You start to see where you need to adjust and change. This is why marriage is so effective at making people’s lives more rich and productive—if they adjust to the needed changes. Unfortunately, many expect marriage to be something that makes them look better, not something that reveals where they don’t look so good. Additionally, rather than see where we need to change, we opt to project our own negative images on our spouses and point out where they need to change: She is so irritating….he is such a lazy slob….I don’t want to act this way, but she brings out the worst in me. In the Bible, Adam played the blame game like this: “That woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
If we believe our spouse is present in the marriage to make us look better, instead of being a mirror to help us see who we really are, we will think our marriage is inadequate whenever one of our faults is revealed. Like the witch in “Snow White” who became angry at the mirror for not telling her what she wanted to hear, we criticize the mirror—our spouse—in the marriage. We end up communicating to him or her: This marriage isn’t good. You’re doing something wrong. We need to get this fixed.
Once you are internally convinced that your marriage is wrong, you will never be able to change it externally; no matter how much you work on your attitude or behavior. People in troubled marriages seldom grasp the fact that bad marriages cannot become good ones by external pressure. External marriage-enrichment techniques do not work unless you begin by changing your perception of the marriage.
How do you see your marriage now? Is it precious to you? Do you honor, appreciate, and place worth on your marriage—as it is? If your view of marriage is fundamentally flawed, all the energies and strategies you are using (thinking your marriage will be better if we just do this or we just change that) will end in failure.
Unless you honor your marriage union first—without conditions—your tactics will come across as manipulative strategies to get your spouse to do what you want. This smacks of duplicity and insincerity. You must work on your marriage because you believe it is valuable, not because you are trying to make it valuable. Quick-fix manipulations do not a good marriage make.
Will you be in Oklahoma sometime this year (2009)? Just wondering.
Please check out all of Mark’s seminar dates, as well as the video seminar dates for your area, on the homepage of our website.
Do these techniques help couples, for instance, where one has been abused (whether as a child, or adult by family members etc)? Can someone who is dating a person and sees so much potential but very little understanding of the other’s past experience be a negative to consider for a spouse?
That is a complicated question and one that Mark has tackled frequently on his radio program. Check out what he has to say on this issue of dating and the discovery process by listening to the show archives at http://www.markgungorshow.com/.
Hi. I’m interested in hearing the show about dating from the archives. I’m delightfully single but feel like I’m in a season of preparation for marriage. I’d love to hear the radio show about navigating dating, something I’m not very good at and therefore have shyed away from. The names/topics aren’t listed. What was the date of one of the dating shows? Thanks!
The radio shows from January 5th, 6th and 9th all have information on the dating process.
Very informative! It is so interesting that we as people can have concerns, hurts, pains that when fully explained are really the same issues our partner is experiencing but handling in different ways. It so difficult when one party refuses to accept any responsibility for their behaviour and attitudes. I think this “without conditions” is so-o important. Christ and God accept us as sinners – to belong to their family – our only condition is to accept Him. When we make “conditions” a deal breaker we are working to destroy and not build up. Thanks for helping me to reflect upon my own responsibilities and think of how I can improve myself and ask God to provide the way back to a healthy relationship in our marriage.
May God Bless you for your efforts.
ET si ce site était aussi en français, cela pourrait toucher encore plus de gens qui se sentiraient concernés par vos propos. Qu’en pensez vous ? Dieu vous garde !
Hello. Your site displays incorrectly in Opera, but content excellent! Thanks for your wise words =)
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