Is an Affair Really Love?
by Mark Gungor on February 23rd, 2009Infidelity is rampant in this country and unfortunately, all too common in the church as well. People claim to “fall in love” when they didn’t “mean to,” saying that it “just happened.” I point out that people fall in toilets, off of bikes, in holes, off of chairs, etc… but they don’t “fall” in love. Men and women who get involved in extramarital affairs think that it’s love; they feel this huge rush of emotion, passion, and desire and think, “Surely, this has to be love.” But to answer the question posed by Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?” My answer: nothing!
Let’s look and see if an affair actually fits into the description of what love is:
• Love endures long… NOPE – most affairs are short lived, when the heat gets too much or the feelings wear off, it’s over.
• Love is patient… NOPE – an affair is all about impatience.
• Love is kind… NOPE – what is kind about stringing someone on, not being devoted to them, and two-timing them?
• Love is never envious or jealous… NOPE – an affair is filled with lots of envy and jealousy.
• Love is not proud… NOPE – an affair is nothing but a pit of pride that both people are swimming in.
• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth… NOPE – adultery is sin, sin is evil. It’s built on layers and layers of lies and deceit, not truth.
• Love does not seek its own way… NOPE – an affair is extremely selfish.
An extramarital affair is not about love. It is about pure selfishness… period. Nothing about an affair is love. Real love sacrifices and puts the other person’s interest first. Putting another person’s marriage, family, life, and their very well being in jeopardy just for your own satisfaction and selfish needs is not love.
Don’t deceive yourself: an affair is never about love. Self-serving lust? YES! Love? NOPE.
Mark,
I love your website. I read it everyday and everyday I am blessed!
An affair has everything to do with lack of commitment and for men it is usually a pride issue. I agree Love has nothing to do with it.
I have to admit that I was one who had cheated once upon a time and I did think it was love. I think that in a way it justified what I was doing. I thought that it wasn’t hurting anyone as well. I was wrong. It was hurting everyone. I was taking time to be with my lover which was time away from my family and that is the absolute biggest regret I have in my life. I’m living proof that it isn’t about love. I did end up divorced and have remarried but have now been cheated on several times over. I have not left because I almost feel like I deserve it for what I did. I can only say that, at one time you felt you loved your spouse. Seek that out with God’s help before doing anything outside of your marriage with another. At the very least let your spouse go first and let them have their life back if you can’t figure out yours.
Yes it is selfish. I didn’t realize that until I told my husband about my affair. Then we starting looking way down deep inside of me and the healing began. After we started to get involved in marriage conferences, classes etc. I realized how selfish I was and I don’t have a problem admitting it. Sometimes childhood issues that are buried way deep down inside are a root of why we do the things we do (even when we believe in God). Also, if you’re not open in your marriage any negative thought or thought about you not being married to the right one because of differences needs to be exposed. Sin grows in the darkness and seclusion of your mind. Get it out!!! It’s better to discuss it then and possible strike a nerve then to have an affair and cause extreme hurt. I thank God everyday that my husband of 30 years decided to not give up on me. We now lead small groups and are active in marriage ministry. Don’t listen to Satan’s lies!
Just want to say thank you Debbie for your honesty. I am now divorced and was cheated on many times by my husband. I can tell Debbie, you have figured it out, because of your last sentence “let your spouse go first and them them have their life back if you can’t figure out yours.” The rejection felt when you are cheated on is huge.
I so appreciate your spiritual insights into the marriage relationship. This holy union is crumbling in an alarming way inside and outside of the church. We need all the wisdom we can get to keep our relationships in tact and healthy.
Thank you for such a fruitful and life-changing ministry.
My husband just returned after leaving our home for a year. He admitted to a 4 year affair, an emotional affair and another 8 month affair. God told me to stand for my marriage and I did. My husband commited his life to Christ and was baptised. God is good. I’m not saying it’s easy as my heart was broken and I’m working through the pain of him cheating on me, trusting him again- and of course the why questions..but God has a bigger and better plan for us – so never give up on your marriage!! Never! God can make anything good out of the bad.
I love the fact that you have been standing on your marriage. Reading what you wrote had helped me greatly, even when just waking up missing my husband that is always laying in bed next to me.
As the victim of infidelity I can honestly say it is the most painful experience I have ever had.There are no words to describe how your entire world can be turned inside out and upside down when you discover the person you trusted most in the world has betrayed you. I decided to stay with my husband and try to rebuild our marriage which felt like nothing but ashes. Little by little we are moving forward one day at a time.It is as if a giant tsunami came and washed away 30 years and we have to start all over from less than zero. Only by God’s grace am I finding the power to forgive as we seek healing together. Adultery destroys entire families not just individuals.
We are working hard in 12 step recovery, marriage seminars,prayer, and other means to not only save our own marriage and broken hearts but we hope to help other struggling couples avoid this tragedy before it is too late and they fall into this terrible pit.
Dear Claire, I too have your same feelings.My husband who I adore and trusted completly admitted to an affair .It started as an emotional affair then brief intimacy which resulted in a pregnacy and abortion which both hurt me and shocked me !He told me he had been feeling lonely and he had really stopped talking to me but had found a ‘friend ‘ to talk to.
I found out a year ago and have been trying to work thorough it all but so hard. I try to forgive and then all those terrible feelings and thoughts come up that I have to deal with. Just when I think I’m there it all comes back . He is remorseful and really tries to make me feel secure but when I find that he has been in contact with her It all comes back with a vengence. We have started counseling sessions which I never thought he’d agree to but when I’m in a state it scares him so much I guess he had no choice.
Anyway not sure why I’m emailing you but just to let you know I know this terrible pain .
I too wdant to help other couples not to drift apart and help them before its to late.It happens so sutly and unexpecting .I know he didn’t plan it to happen .
Good luck to you .
Brenda
AMEN! This should be clearly posted in every motel and hotel room!
God Bless You, Mark, for your candor and honesty!
my marriage of 18 yrs ended when my wife started flirty with other men and eventually got sexually involved and left with one. I trusted her and wa never jealuos or protective of her. I tried my best to keep our marriage even to the point of offering forgiveness and getting counselling, but she would have nothing to do with it. It was the most devastatingly painful experience I have ever had. Inretrospect I would have insisted on marriage at the very beginning of our marriage.
I write this with both sadness & confusion. I caught my husband of 19 years having an affair with a casual work acquaintance. He insisted it was strictly an emotional affair and scoffed at me when I was tested for STDs just to be safe. He told me he wanted to work out our problems and move back home but said I was being manipulating when one of my conditions was that he break up with her until we figured things out. He said I was controlling, I said I had standards. I thought we were working things out, only to discover in Dec. that he was still involved with her, while he was involved with me-he was cheating on his mistress with his wife! He said he held onto her in case I didn’t want him back (another round of STD testing). I don’t know why, but I want our marriage to survive. Isn’t there a point where you just have to let go, Mark? He has abandoned me and even his children…I am so lost at what to do. I have prayed and prayed and I can’t hear what God is saying. Is it possible that he wants me to let him go and he has a plan for me that doesn’t involve an unGodly husband?
My husband of a 1 and 1/2 emotionally cheated on me with one of my friends, he kissed her four times. My mom was the one who found out before it went too far (God’s hand was definitely in this) He accidently saved his email login details on her computer and she accidentally pulled up all their old emails. It was devastating. It happened about 2 months ago. We are going to church, doing counseling, marriage small groups, doing everything possible. He cut off all communication with her. I know many of you have much worse stories, I’m finding the trust and forgiveness impossible right now. All the pain floods back at the worse times. I can’t just push it back in my head. Does it simply take time?? and do you think people can truly change??
Hmmm…have you heard the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater? Unless a person confronts their sins and gives him/herself to God, I do not think it’s possible to remain faithful, at least not on a long-term basis. I wrote the note above a little while back, while I thought my husband & I were trying to work things out (that’s what he said and I wanted to rebuild the trust with him after 19 years of marriage). He said he wanted to try again after going back to the same woman as before, while he told me he wasn’t seeing her and we were sleeping together. We went without having sex for a short time because I wanted to know that he was in our relationship for me, not that (he said she sucked in bed). I just caught him lying again about where he was and he’s been with her again (including the day our son got out of the hospital). He does not have God in his heart or life. He says he loves me (not just as the mother of his kids but as a wife) but then I find out he’s at it again. I guess he’s made his choice…too bad it was for a woman who’s been convicted of writing worthless checks and has had her home foreclosed on instead of for his wife and children. I don’t believe God intended for this to happen but sometimes even Christians have to stand up for themselves. Follow your heart and unless he’s 100% totally committed to God and helping you through this, be careful that you don’t get hurt again. My counselor had good advice – be positive but protect yourself!
I think too many people overlook the reasons why someone has an affair – they forget to look at the spouse who was cheated on and only look at the “dirtbag” who did the cheating. It takes two to make a marriage work and if the husband or wife is not holding up their end, the other person will starve for love, attention, affection, friendship, companionship, etc. If that spouse opened their heart and mind to make sure their spouse was so thrilled to be married to him/her everyday, maybe the other wouldn’t have gone searching. Some people are just plain “dirtbags” but I’ve known a few good people who ended up cheating because their spouses only thought about themselves (usually narcissistic type people). I think God doesn’t want any person to suffer from any sort of abuse – physical or emotional – or from being pulled away from Him. He wants us to grow closer to Him and if a spouse is holding you back, that’s your choice to stay. The church lays so much guilt on people who NEED to get out of a marriage because they usually cannot understand or see why it’s a must. I have known my husband since I was 14 – he was 27, married, with a young child. He started a sexual relationship with me and I became so obsessed with him, I never told anyone and never let go of him. I’ve been married to him for 18 years now (married when I was 21) because I thought it was my duty to take care of him and save him from his ex wife and all his other problems. I’ve been struggling silently all these years, tried to talk to him about what had happened ‘back then’ and he never wanted to deal with it. Now I’m the one in therapy getting stronger since I found out I’m co-dependent (wanting to save him but not take care of myself). We have two young children and the guilt haunts me everyday. I basically live in fear of him because of his narcissistic personality… I’ve felt like a single mother for the past few years because I take care of everything and he’s very controlling of me and I feel like his ‘property’. I basically married my ‘father’ – we are not equal – so how can someone tell me to “work it out” or that “God can change him” – it was statutory rape, yet I’m not out to destroy him but want to be ‘released’ once and for all. I care about him as the father of our children and as a person and don’t want to see him suffer, but I had my entire adolescence stolen from me and I’m the one who’s starving. I tried to forgive him, I thought I had the possibility of closure but it all came back to bite me because of his personality & him turning the tables on me where he knows I’ll just ‘save him’ from his own pain and guilt. When you start wishing God would take either you or your spouse away, that says there’s some serious problems that cannot be fixed because one person in the relationship will never change.
yes, it takes two to make a marriage work; but it still happens when one does all they could to make things work, while the other ignores the effort. I know as it happened to me. My husband and i used to work different hours – I work morning, he works afternoon, just so the kids r cared for by one of us at all times. I found out 3 months ago that my husband cheated on me, like some of the other ladies here, she was a co-worker and it started off as an emotional affair before it got physical. I found out only because he wanted me to. you see, he’s always a gambler and had hidden a huge debt from me for many months. Since finding out, I’ve researched on how to survive the aftermath, and had found that I HAD done everything to prevent the affair, but he didn’t want to share his feelings with me – there were things he saw as problems and I didn’t, but he never told me so we could work things out. We’ve been married for almost 20 years. Yes, he’s remorseful, but he still sees her at work as I can no longer go to work – I can barely get out of bed most days. He had contacts with her outside of work in the early weeks, but I found out; he says he’s stopped since then and i believe him. Every time I feel better and think I’m over it; memories will come back to haunt me all over again. he suggested counselling before I found out, but now he won’t go. He’d rather not think about it and just move on. part of me wants to find the core of the issue but that would bring every thing back. A wise friend told me to look after myself and just focus on my own feelings and make sure the past doesn’t bother me, and let him deal with his own issues – he’ll come to me when he’s ready. It frightens to me hear that after a year, it still hurts as much.
I feel for you, “still hurting” – yes, I understand that sometimes it’s the other way around when people have affairs. One person (like you) does all she can to make her husband happy and to affair-proof their marriage, yet he still cheats. He sounds selfish and he may have issues you cannot help him with directly – gambling and hiding debt are not good signs of a emotionally healthy person. If you can’t encourage him to go to counseling, I would suggest YOU go for your own self. Yes, look after yourself and focus on you and your kids. No matter what happens, at least you know you tried the best you can. Please take care of yourself and get support from a good counselor and friends. Your children need you and you need them. They grow up fast so enjoy them right now – they can bring you joy and happiness to get through a day. God still loves you and God never divorces anyone. Check out the books called “Boundaries” and “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud/Townsend… they might help. Also, “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie; and “Safe People” by Cloud/Townsend. Take care of yourself.
After you read this you will think that I deserve all of what I am experiencing right now. I have been married for 12 years and I have had two very short affairs. I can honestly admit that they both started out emotional and then ended physical. With my second, I jeopardized my job, relationships and friends. I was selfish and there is no excuse for my behavior. In the beginning of my marriage my husband had an affair, eventhough he claims it was right before we got married which I am not believing. He hung out consistently and partied all the time. Women was always around him. It’s weird because we were married but he did his thing and I did mine. I worshiped the ground he walked on. I sacrificed and gave him all of me. After I had my first child, nothing changed, he told me that i was not a happy person, etc. Long story short, I met someone that I worked with and started an emotional relationship. It was not about sex eventhough it happenend once. My husband found out and we decided to work things out. Life after that was okay, still many areas for improvement. Communication was not the best and here I find myeslf right back in the same situation 6 years later. This time, there is no excuse. When approached, I created so many lies because I realized what was at stake for me to lose (kids, family, job, etc). His reaction took me by surprised. I continued dening the truth and finally I could not lie anymore. Now that I have been 100% truthful and he has had me relive every minute of what I did physically, he is disgusted with me which he has that right. We have talked and talked and some days are better than others. I have never been more truthful in the past two months in my entire 35 years of life. We agreed to work through it yet some days he tells me to pack my shit and go. I wish it was easy but it is not. You see, I love him more than my own life. I cannot live without him. He made mistakes in our marriage and he did not cheat at least so I know in the past 10 years. My sex life is great with him. This was not about sex for me eventhough he believed it. It was attention. I did not feel like I was getting it from him and I was wrong to not communicate it to him. I thought that he would do as he usually did and say something about my weight. Bottom line is that I want my marriage. I have connected with God on so many levels and know that I will and can never cause any more pain to him or myself again. I need to know what I can do to save my marriage. Please help!