Don’t Go Sexless—Part Twoby Mark Gungor on October 23rd, 2012
In my last post, I began explaining a simple solution to head off the problem of sexless marriage. I pointed out how couples, generally, get to sexless when one person unilaterally decides to say, “no” to the sexual advances of the other—and sometimes for legitimate reasons. But I went on to reason that simply saying, “no” isn’t the answer and that it will actually work against getting the improvements you want in the relationship. You need to answer a request for sex from your spouse with some version of “yes”. If you haven’t read Part One, (add link) do so before you continue on.
Let’s go back to the previous examples I gave in Part One—lack of hygiene and when the sex is “one sided”—to address how to use my “some version of yes” solution. If your hubby can’t seem to find the shower or toothbrush prior to jumping into bed for a session of lovemaking, don’t roll over in a huff and bark, “No! Get away!” at him, or pretend you are already sleeping. Simply smile and say, “Yes, dear! I’ll rock your world, just as soon as you shower and brush your teeth. Come see me when you’re squeaky clean, and I’ll put a big ol’ grin on your face.” See, the solution? Do you see how it will end in an entirely different way? For the wife to just say, “no” and roll over leaves the poor guy shot down in flames and leads to ill feelings and a strained relationship for both of you.
Yeah, yeah, I know you women say, “He should just know that I want him clean and spruced up.” Ladies, sometimes guys don’t think about everything like you do and we need reminding. Honestly, you may have to repeat the scenario a few times, but eventually he should get the message and hopefully catch on quickly to the fact that approaching you smelling clean from the shower, with minty fresh breath will be a green light for him.
The other example is a bit touchier, but can still be dealt with. If your Casanova just hops on, does his business quickly, hops off, and moves on to snoring, you can still address it. The next time he makes his move, say something like, “Babe, I really want to have great sex with you, but it’s just not doing it for me like this. Can we slow it down and work at this a bit so I can get something out of the experience, too?”
If the wife is willing, she can get proactive and approach it via text message during the day, or over coffee and the sports section some morning. Flirtatiously say to your hubby, “Hey, guess what I’d like tonight when you get home from work? We can take our time. Because you know, if you “ring my bell”, I’d be interested more often!” (Play the old disco song for him if you need to! Some of you are old enough to know what I’m referring to. J)
Most men think their wives aren’t very interested in sex but they’re wrong. Women aren’t interested in one-sided sex…because in all honesty men, how interested would you be in having sex if you seldom or never had your “bell rung”?
And let’s get real, ladies. If your hubby’s issue is that he can’t last very long and you keep saying “no” and make him wait two, three weeks or longer between sexual encounters, it isn’t going to solve the problem. What you are doing is creating a very self-defeating scenario. Having regular sex is the best way to help a guy beat the “two-minute drill”. You can also check out the book we carry on our website Sexual Intimacy in Marriage for exercises and help on how to deal with this specific area.
Indeed, this issue of making sure she is also satisfied will require some conflict and difficult conversations, but you have to deal with it. It’s called communication, people. Believe me, it will be way more difficult and uncomfortable after months and years of avoiding the whole thing and not addressing the problem. You will be miserable in your marriage, or have it end in divorce and/or adultery. Again, if there is pornography and masturbation involved that as part of the issue, you must work at taking care that.
Here is another classic circumstance that nearly every couple faces: She’s too tired. Don’t pull the standard are-you-kidding-me eye roll, accompanied by the irritated sigh, and, “Don’t even think about it! I’m exhausted!” Instead, try saying, “Yes, Dear…I would love to make love with you and I will make it worth the wait, but can we do it tomorrow? I promise we will have a fabulous night! I’ll send the kids to the neighbors or put them to bed early and we’ll have a good old time! But tonight I’m just spent.” Plant a kiss on him to seal the deal, but then make good on your promise.
If you don’t stay true to your word, then it’s just like saying “no” to begin with.
He quickly learns that tomorrow never comes and that he can’t win at this game.
The bottom line is that you want your husband to passionately chase you for sex. Because the alternative is a passionless, sexless, lonely marriage where you end up more like roommates bumping into one another at the breakfast table.
I know it’s the big joke for young, married women to complain about their husbands bugging them for sex all the time, but it’s not going to be so funny when you are living out consequences of constantly saying “no” to sex with your man.
I wish you could hear the stories that I do from women in their fifties and sixties who, regretfully, helped create these situations. It’s very sad to listen to them talk about how they wish they could go back and do it differently. They wish they had learned the “Yes, if….”solution instead of doing what so many women do when they just say, “No” without an explanation of what they need or what they’re looking for from their husbands.
Again, I highly recommend seeing the movie Hope Springs to get an advanced warning of how truly dismal and bleak a passionless marriage can be. It should serve as a wake up call to couples everywhere to quit saying “no” to sex. It also clearly sends the message: Do not wait for years and years to deal with the issues in your marriage…especially those that revolve around your sex life. You only end up creating an entrenched state of misery. And as the movie shows, it’s really difficult to deal with the aftermath following years of a cold and angry marriage that is void of sex or passion.
Wireless, paperless, bag-less, are all good…but it’s time to put an end to the sexless epidemic. Learn the importance of giving your husband “some version of yes” early on in your married life—or start now. It’s never too late, there is always hope. (Which, by the way, the movie does show in the end.)
Saying, “Yes, if…” will enable both husbands and wives to get what they need in their sexual relationship and create a more fulfilling and successful marriage.