Sexless Marriage? The Desire Myth
by Mark Gungor on March 9th, 2010
Photo by NeoGaboXIn a previous post I gave one possible explanation for why some married couples don’t have much of a sex life. Sexless marriage is a very common problem in millions of marriages today. As I’ve stated before, a sexless marriage is one where a couple engages in little to no sexual activity–anything less than ten times per year is considered to be sexless. There can be many reasons that contribute to this phenomenon—anything from health issues, kids and busy schedules, to pornography use, masturbation, issues due to past sexual abuse and serious problems or difficulties in the relationship. But there is one very simple misunderstanding in regard to sex I would like to address, and I truly think it can make a big difference for a lot of couples. Many, many people mistakenly think that you can only have sex if it is preceded by great desire and/or a huge emotional connection. But I say that neither is required every time to have a great sex life with your spouse.
Let’s deal with the desire issue first. The typical model says we first feel desire, then arousal, followed by the actual event of sex (intercourse)—but as I say in my Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage book and seminar, this is not true for millions of people! Many people don’t feel that great desire first and often don’t want to do it until they are actually doing it—then they are glad they did! Unfortunately, the misinformation that we have been given by so-called experts and the media in our culture has led most people to believe that both the man and woman always feel all this hot and heavy desire before they can have sex.
After all, that’s what TV, movies and novels portray—especially for women who are typically shown as provocative, chase-the-man-down vixens and then men (especially those into porn) wrongly expect their wives to be like that. On the other hand, many women who don’t have this overt, “clamoring-to-jump-in-the-sack” drive worry and think that there is something wrong with them, when it’s just not true. Most women have no problem having sex and are great lovers once they get started, even if they don’t act like the sex kitten, porn queen or “desperate housewife” that the media around us depicts.
What I hear consistently from couples is actually the flip side—it’s the men who have lower desire, lower sex drives and the wives are the ones who want to have more sex. Sometimes it is a physical issue or a problem with porn and masturbation, but not always. Some men are just wired to be low-key in the desire department. It can really mess with a dude’s head when he thinks there is something wrong with him because he’s not the red-hot Fabio or Don Juan type who is walking around in a state of perpetual readiness. Again, guys, if you don’t feel this rush of desire to begin with and your engines aren’t all revved and ready to blast off, don’t take that as a sign to mean that you shouldn’t have sex with your wife. More often than not, once you get on with it and you begin to engage your wife physically and you touch and connect with one another, those feelings of desire and arousal will come alive too.
People get so hung up on this desire thing. They feel awful if they themselves aren’t fueled by all this gigantic heat and passion, or they end up getting upset at their spouse and in turn make him or her feel horrible because, “You don’t desire me or pursue me! You never initiate!” Here is a word to you higher-desire people: Don’t pressure or demand a show of intense desire from your lower-desire spouse. When you criticize your husband or wife and expect them to be all hot and heavy and the initiator, it ends up making them feel horrible.
Seriously, we have to stop with all this nonsense. It’s just plain foolish and counter productive. Everyone wants to be wanted, I get it. It would be really great to feel like your husband or wife was dying with desire for you, but not everything is about what we want. There are lots of things that we want in life, but they just don’t always happen that way. I want to get paid and not have to work. I want to never have to pay taxes. I want to never have to clean the house or deal with dirty dishes or laundry. Who cares what you want!?
To have a successful life and marriage, you don’t live by what you want or feel. So don’t sit there never having sex, feeling bad about yourself or mad at your spouse because of what you wish they were like or what you wish you felt. In the words of Nike: Just do it! Try it! You’ll see, it will great and I bet you’ll both enjoy yourselves! And remember…it truly doesn’t matter who starts it or what your desire level is.
unfortunately I am living in this
Lisa, I lived this for years. I wish I would have been able to read this stuff years ago, it would have saved my husband and myself a whole lot of heart break. Fortunately God can change everything if we have the right attitude and pray for miracles. He restores what has been stolen from us. His plan for marriage is not the misery so many of us live in because of our choices.
Oh thank you so much, I have always thought I was the weird one, hubby is awesome in that he gives me what I need when I need it but I thought I was just an odd ball.
Thanks so much for your insite.
I would like to say that intercourse is easy but I would be lying since the condition in my back makes any kind of activity painful. I still want to engage in that kind of activity but I think my husband avoids it because he doesn’t want to hurt me so what if we both want to engage in doing “it” but we’re both apprehensive about it due to the fact that in the times we have the pain was so intense neither of us enjoyed it except for the release and relief we got. I love my husband and want to be with him in a sensual and sexual way but I pull back just before approaching him out of fear of the pain to follow. Do you think foregoing the act is reasonable until we know that I am able to perform without pain?
I think if theres a will theres a way. I am a person who has been diagnosised with cancer three times. The doctors were surprised to find that through pain all over, chemo meds, side effects, lost of appetite etc. We have not lost the desire or will to make love to each other. We found that it makes it more exciting when we have to find creative ways to work around the problem that could be a hinderance. I too have back pain from a medicine they provide that causes severe heart and muscle spams. My husband finds it most interesting that I find sex theraputic. We prayed and asked God to help us and He did. It works.
My wife has a condition that affects he ablity to spread her legs. We have not had intercourse for years but still enjoy sex by finger stimulation of the clitoris. She enjoys the climax and is satisfied sexually. She also satisfies me with the use of her hands.
Teri,
Try chiropractic to get your spine and whole body functioning better! We were not created to live in perpetual pain and dysfunction. Reduce or elimate internal interference to your healthy function and you’ll enjoy life more.
I don’t know your specific condition, but correcting the spine’s structure allows it to move better. It also reduces pressure on the spinal cord and nerves, aloowing your brain to better coordinate healing and function!
It’s strange to think you are the only couple who doesn’t couple. It’s a hugh relief to know we are not alone. I think our biggest issue is unresolved anger because neither will budge. Therefore we cannot and will not connect.
Thank you for your down to earth practical look at desire. This is a struggle in our marriage and/but every time I remind myself that sex is a ministry to my spouse instead of something just for me, and that whole thing about not depriving each other, then we have a good time. Glad to know I’m not the only oddball.
You state that it is usually the woman who is wanting more sex ~ however in my situation it is the other way around. My husband and I can have a wonderful evening together that included sex and wake up the next morning and enjoy each other all over again. However, when this happens he wants it again that night and usually the next morning (especially on weekends)and as often as he can get it. It is not that there is no sex and I understand that sometimes sex can just be sex but not daily and/or twice a day. Am I wrong in saying “no” the third time around?? How I can make my husband understand that his need is to great and I have told him he is over sexed. He is not into porn which I’m am thankful for but sometimes I think it might be a way to give me a break. Tell me where I’m wrong (if I am) and what I can do about this. We’ve been married for 19 years this year.
Your help is GREATLY appreciated.
Thanks….
Shannon
What do you do when there are health issues that make it physically impossible?
Thank you so much for your godly comments…very helpful, considering all the rest of the worldly views out there…always enjoy your all you post….please don’t stop..appreciate every bit of information….Thank you….Have a blessed day…
Our sexlife is dead. There isn’t any at all and there hasn’t been for about 30 years, Its to late for us to reignite any flames. Our marriage consuler suggested more communication, more togetherness and possibly a weekend away. We tryed all of this and it made matters worse.
In our 60 s now and very much set in our ways. I miss sex but I have gotten use to doing without any. Husband is on blood pressure pills, cholesterol, depression, and ulcer pills. His libdo is zip, nadda. But we are suriving and yes you can live without sex. Were not weird or anything its just the way it is fo us.
I certainly agree that life shouldn’t always be the way it’s depicted in movies or t.v., but I must disagree on other points. And I’m worried at the connotation of “you’ll like it once you start doing it”. If I don’t want to have sex, I certainly don’t want my man going in with the mindset of “oh, she’ll like it, she just doesn’t know it yet.” That can lead to rape. And yes, rape can happen inside and outside marriage. If someone does something they don’t want to do, that’s rape. Period. And while if done to excess, porn can be an addiction and a bad thing, I’ve known people who watch it as a couple to get themselves aroused. And what’s wrong with masturbation? It’s perfectly healthy both in and outside of a relationship.
Yes, sometimes a bit of seduction is good to get things going…and sometimes not. And of course, whenever someone says no, that’s when it stops, no questions asked. And no, life isn’t always about getting what we want… But that doesn’t mean we have to have sex when we don’t want to. “Oh, you’ll like it later, trust me” is a line that leads to very dangerous grounds, and it doesn’t matter who says it. Who cares what I want? I care what I want. I care that I am in complete control of myself and my body and am under no obligation to submit when I don’t want to. My husband or boyfriend should care what I want too, and if he doesn’t care that I’m not in the mood, he’ll be kicked out so fast he won’t know what hit him. I care what he wants too. If he’s not in the mood, I’m not going to press the issue.
Bottom line: if we both want sex, sex happens. If neither of us want it, it doesn’t happen. If only one of us wants it, it doesn’t happen.
thanks for sharing about woman not having to “feel” like having sex. we are those maybe 10 times a year and I was thinking maybe I don’t love my husband any more because I didn’t “feel” like having sex like we used to…….many many years ago. We are in our late 50′s. So now I know I am ok and will look at this differently. thanks, you might have saved our marriage, I was getting worried!
I thought it was always the men that wanted more sex not the women. In my case it’s definetly me. What’s a normal sex life? I don’t think what we have is. Ours feels like it’s dead. We’re just in our 30′s! We have it around 10 times a year. When we do have it it’s on a special occasion like our anniversary or Valentine’s day and she acts like it’s a treat for me. Which is a little demeaning honestly. We once went half a year without having sex. I admit I’m a guy and I would have sex with my wife every other day if not every day if I could. But I don’t even remotely try that much. But I would be willing to settle for once a week or whatever. But right now it’s not even every month. I’m a decent looking guy but it just makes me feel unattractive and that there’s something wrong with me.
I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what the problem is. I’ve tried bring it up subtly but she just brushed it off or makes excuses. I’ve tried everything I can think of; pulling a bigger load of the housework, doing dishes, laundry, cleaning house making dinners sometimes. But it just made it worse for me. Now not only do I work a 40 hr job, go to school part-time, and do all the yardwork, I do half if not more of the dishes, laundry and house cleaning and still no sex. While she works part time. I’m not a jealous or controlling guy and I watch the kids while she goes out for “girl’s night out” and goes out after work with her friends from work. I’ve tried being romantic, actually I think I just am more romantic all the time than she ever is. I listen to her talk for hours about her bad days and whatever else that I really don’t want to hear but I have a genuine interest and love her. I do everything for her. I’ve never hurt her in any way so there’s nothing like that there. I don’t understand.
I contiually try and get rejected. It’s gotten to where I don’t even try anymore because I don’t want someone that doesn’t want me or isn’t attracted to me. I’ve started to become a little bitter and I’ve started to build up a resentment. I’ve tried to bring it up and she’s just brushed it off. I don’t want to criticize her and make her “feel horrible” like this blog says. So what do I do?
Wow Ted if everything you are saying is true I dont know what else you can do to make it better. Sometimes you dont know what you got til it’s gone. Sounds like your wife is taking you for granted. It’s time for a long heart to heart with her. Not demanding pleading or desperate. But a true expression of your desire to have a better marriage. Some women could go forever without having sex. Does she show you love in another way? Maybe in a way she thinks is love but you dont necessarily? Often people show love in the way they want to recieve it. What fills her love tank? What fills yours besides sex? If you each discover that, maybe sex will follow.
Hi Mark, unfortunately for me i’m in South Africa and won’t be able to listen to your radio program. Hopefully you’ll respond to me by email.
I am living with a man who is constantly in fear of intimacy of all types, sex, hugging, talking, holding hands or any thing that says I love you. Its not that he doesn’t want sex or any of those things, according to him, its because he can’t bring himself to initiating any act of love, since we got married 5yrs ago. I must say that reading your blog makes me feel guilty that i do make him feel inadequate at times. I do apologise about it and try and speak right though, but get angry again later. But your blog still don’t help me cos as a child of God I beleive in not being ruled by fear and funny for him cos he is a man of God. So how does the two come together.
Having helped a few marriages from falling apart cos the men were messing around with other women. I’ve grown to appreciate or to see these men in a positive way. Thus I can encourage the women to work on these marriages and not quit. I beleive those are good, know how to love men who just made big mistakes of not having God as their personal leader. So they fall in a bad trap of having this sex drive which is good for marriage their marriage. Why do I say that? Cos the women always say they love the way their men make love to them and it confuses them when they go outside. Once these men commit themselves to a relationship with God and being focused, they make it.
Now, what about a good man, who would do anything for his wife, not cheat or tell a lie, but can’t say “thank you” or “I’m sorry” to the same wife because that leads to him being opening up emotionally? I love my husband and i beleive he can do better than that.