Thank you for your reply. kenny, my current husband, and I have talked about this situation many times and his response has always been to let the past go. He feels that since my ex has remarried he isn’t dwelling on the past,so why should I. In his opinion, everyone has rebounded nicely and we should praise God that there weren’t lasting ill effects for anyone, that we each found more suitable partners and the children still have a good relationship with each of us. I am thankful but yet, theres still that nagging feeling that hits me in the dead of night. Kenny says its just guilt and condemnation which is certainly not from God. Hes right. In the end, I’m trusting God to provide the opportunity to speak with my ex if its what is to be. I won’t force the issue but will do so if God makes the way.

Thanks again.
God bless you.
Carol

I had four years without a committed relationship, did some more foolish things then found my way back to God, eventually remarried, have a Christian husband and things are going well for us. He was divorced too and we approached this marriage with a covenant mentality…always looking to put our spouses interests first, being/doing what you want to see in your mate and of course, put God first in everything you do. I am blessed.

However, I have moments when I revisit that first marriage and lament over the fact that I did things that were first, wrong in the eyes of God and secondly that hurt another person so much. I know I am forgiven by God but its been hard to forgive myself. I learned early what a ripple effect the divorce had on everyone around me…my ex, the children, our families and friends. So many people were negatively affected by our divorce and it has taken a long time to finally feel like the ripples are subsiding. The children, now grown, adore my husband and all seem to have no residual scars. But this deep feeling of remorse will not go away.

I know what the bible says about divorce. And most seminars address the person who got left, not the one who did the leaving. Because of the children, I still see my ex from time to time, he’s remarried and seems happy but I still see that hurt look and its haunts me. Should I go to him and ask for forgiveness? Even if its too late to take it back?

I want to do whats right, however painful but am not quite sure what is right. If hes gone on with his life, do I just let it go? Is there healing in rehashing?

Any council would be so appreciated.
Carol

The insidious nature of “No fault” or other excessively simple divorces, is that it removes the reason to work things out in the first place. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the phrase “Well, if this situation doesn’t work out (the way I want it) I’ll just get a divorce!” It is an attempt of one, to be tyrannical to the other.

Of course, there are other reasons, and excuses, but the above, or a couple of excuses “I just don’t love you anymore”, “we just drifted apart” etc. trumps a sacred contract, must sometimes make God sick at heart.

The Catholic Church teaching is that marriage is a covenant. All that get married in the Catholic Church must go through counseling with a priest and at least in all parts of the US I have lived are required to attend a pre-marriage weekend retreat. Issues that are addressed in both involve the permanence of marriage as well as examining belief systems and values so that both are going into the marriage with a full commitment of heart. If the couple divorces legally, they are still seen as being married in the eyes of the church (and of course in the eyes of God). Some couples seperate or divorce as they believe they have no ability to continue living together and divorce sometimes is required to seperate finances if necessary. There is no sin in that doing that and one is still in good standing with the church as long as they stay faithful to that marital covenant. What does that mean? Well, if one partner leaves the marriage for another relationship or end in prison long term, etc,. etc. then the remaining spouse is still seen as married so of course is not free to date another (since they are still married in God’s eyes despite what the other does).

Many call annulments “catholic divorce”, but, if one understands that marriage is a covenant, one will understand the difference. Although at times the process has been abused (we are all fallen after all), an annulment is not automatic and often takes 1-3 years to work through the process to come to the final decision. When one applies for an annulment, they need to work with the church in their application process. The application is not about why we should be divorced. An annulment is granted, ultimately through Rome, when adequate proof is demonstrated that the marriage WAS NOT COVENANT. So, what does that mean… if your spouce cheats? NO. It would mean examining things that would have been an impediment that did not allow full consent to the covenant- was one of the parties unable to have full consent due to age? due to mental incapacity? due to being too closely related? due to being forced into the marriage? do to not being open to life?

As you can see, it isn’t about why the couple can’t continue to be married, it’s all about whether the covenant was properly entered into. If it wasn’t, the church declares that the marriage was not covenant. The process is lengthy as there is a deep exploration into the claims that the covenant was not valid- many are not granted annulments because all evidence is that a covent was properly entered into. If an annulment is granted, the parties aren’t necessarly free to date/remarry. If the reason the covenant is not valid is because inability to enter in due to mental limitations or immaturity then the individual could receive an annument of that marriage but since the condition still exists where they are not able to fully commit to a marriage covenant then they would not be granted the ability to marry- as it would still not be covenant. Not sure if I explained very well- hopefully you can follow what I am saying about the church’s teaching.

Along those lines, the reason a catholic is not free to marry a christian who is divorced until their previous marriage in annuled is because if the protestant was in a covenant marriage and then were legally divorced, they are still in a covenant unless it is determined that it was an invalid covenant. Many protestants get upset about that because they don’t understand that they entered a covenant and are still married in God’s eyes.

Now, all that said, please don’t counter back that you know of people who didn’t take their marriage preparation serously, who got annulments and you are sure they had a covenant marriage, about how many catholics you know that are divorced and are dating right away or before the marriage was even over, etc. etc. I can’t argue any of those things. I truly believe the church’s teaching on the marriage covenat is inspiried by God. I do know too that the Catholic church, like all other churches, is made up of many people who have been overly influenced by the materialistic and self-centered beliefs in our culture of death. I also know that, like other churches, there are catholics that chose what part of the teachings they chose to live by and which ones they don’t. I am fallen and fail to always God’s teachings and can be selfish. So it is with us- we are fallen. But, regardless of how far we fall from what God would like us to be, the truth is the truth. Right?

Sorry it got so long, but, I wanted to share the beautiful teaching of the Catholic Church for those that weren’t aware of it.
In the Love and Peace of Christ,
Vickie

As I said, I’ve been alone for a long time… sometimes battling loneliness and the rejection til I’m out of my mind… but you know what? We cannot control what the other person does. We can only control ourselves. It matters not what they do… but what we do, whether in response to them or not. So… you have to surround yourself with great friends. I find that they are few and far between but immensely valuable. Not just friends that will tell you what you want to hear… but what God’s word says… friends that will uplift and encourage you in your walk with the Lord. Therein lies your strength for every day. And for most of us, even on the worst nights, morning will come again and it will be a new day to begin again… taking one step at a time… knowing we survived another day. The Lord will honor our endurance.

You gave me confirmation that I am now on the correct path for healing and reconciliation in our marriage. What I still have to do is to be willing to take her back as she is and allow God to heal and deliver her in His time.

Thanks for taking the time to minister to others with your testimony.

God Bless you,

Bill

Specifcally to DF: My heart cries for you both. You are both in my prayers. I do not believe that you are wholly blameless for your marital issues. From your description and your description of his responses it sounds like there are much deeper issues at hand here. Men typically reacts in two ways when they are hurt. They will either become aggressive or reclusive. From your description the “counseling” sessions sound like they are being used as a weapon to inflict emotional pain on him. He can’t lash out so he pulls away. He can’t talk openly because you are there. Men are trained from childhood to not show any weakness or vulnerability.

Couple of recommendations:
1) Each of you get seperate professional counselors in addition to your couple counselor.
2) Do the Love Dare. Don’t tell him or the kids just start with day 1 and go from there. Let the kids watch. What they learn from how you two deal with marital strife will impact them for their entire lives.