Comments on: Don’t Change the Guy

By: Liz

Liz — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 00:00:54 +0000

My husband (of now 11 years) became a Christian while we were dating but has since renounced his faith. I found your article very interesting but am battling with this issue because I feel like I’ve been duped. Not only does he criticise my faith, he is verbally abusive and seems to want to live like he’s still 18, despite the fact that we have 2 children. I’m frustrated because I thought he would change and grow up – he’s frustrated because he thinks I’m the one who’s changed.
Where on earth do we go from here?

By: S.

S. — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 20:02:41 +0000

In paragraph 3 you state, “Couples are advised to attend marriage seminars together, surround themselves with joy filled married couples and still make time for those little but great fun that tickled their fancies at the prologue of their relationships and keep the flame, the fellowship and the friendship flying and gradually, they will realise that the baits of chaos and humdrum experience like self-centeredness, pride, mistrust, hypocrisy and lust will give way to more positive and endearing values.”
I would like to comment, my husband won’t go to anymore marriage seminars or counciling, or marriage bible study,he says they don’t work especially when he gets mad at me and I say we need to go back to counseling.I try my best to follow what I have learned in communicating to him my feelings & hurts but it always gets turned around and I am the bad guy (the problem)in his eyes. I am so frustrated and feel all alone wanting so bad our marriage to grow in a positive way but I can’t do it all on my own. Thank the Lord I have Him when I think I can’t carry on in this marriage anylonger.

By: Debbie

Debbie — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:28:45 +0000

But this still doesn’t give ideas on how to live if you are already married to him, especially if he has changed after marriage: PTSD, depression, plain hardheadedness that wasn’t apparent before marriage.

By: Kalena

Kalena — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:11:22 +0000

Bubbles, it sounds like some boundries are in order here. If you can, listen to the radio program “New Life Ministries” (I listen on the web). It’s the guys who wrote the “Boundries” books. After hearing a few of their programs I learned about boundries and how to apply them appropriately.
You are in my prayers, Kalena

By: Bubbles

Bubbles — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 08:29:18 +0000

Should you also not want to change him if he curses and throw anger tantrums, which he didn’t do before we were married? He is a Christian and has losts of good characteristics. I’m from peace country so I don’t like confrontation, so I just grin and bear it and pray that the Lord will change him. I normally just walk away, but it’s difficult when you are in a car together. I have spoken to him once or twice about it, but I don’t want to nagg. So I just keep quiet, but I’m quite fed up with this.

By: Kalena

Kalena — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 18:28:51 +0000

Dr. Dobson has some wise words for women. He states that a man can never fill all of our needs. We need to be responsible for our own lives. Once I read this I called my friend and asked her to meet me for lunch. My love-language is spending time together, so I had a nice long lunch with my friend, left feeling loved, and went home a happy person. I now take responsibility for this – I ask my husband to sit on the couch with me for a little while, meet friends, take my adult daughter out for lunch and am much happier now that I’m not waiting on my husband to fulfill this need. We’re on a budget now and I made sandwiches to take to the park. Use your imagination!
Before this we were on the crazy cycle. His love language is physical touch and affection. I wouldn’t give him sex because I wasn’t feeling loved. and why would he spend time with me when he wasn’t feeling loved?

For the women whose husbands aren’t helping around the house – a lot of life is about compromise – hire a cleaner, use paper plates for meals, let the house get a little dirty. Women need to take better care of themselves – no one else is going to do it. and if that means the trash doesn’t get taken out because you need to get more sleep, so be it. (sorry, that’s my soap box issue)

By: Susan

Susan — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 17:33:41 +0000

You know I agree. I had all kinds of red flags before I married and ignored them and I am paying for it. It is a real struggle sometimes for me to keep going in this marriage. The great thing for me is I lean on God alot more than I ever did before in my life.
I know he is disappointed too in me because I am not as fired up as I was sexually. Since I had my hysterectomy my body hasn’t been the same and I can’t quite get it through to him what my needs are to help that fire to come back. So I force myself to initiate excitment hoping it will spark some initative in him. I’m tired of being a robot.

By: Evie

Evie — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 17:14:55 +0000

It took me a while to figure out that I fall in love with the POTENTIAL of a man. It’s a good trait to ‘see’ potential in a person, buy not to base your love life on!

By: debbie

debbie — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 16:52:21 +0000

Wondering what to do when Prince Charming turns into a frog. A “bull”frog. He’s getting older, retired cop, and PTSD has popped up in the last couple of years. (I’m a travel nurse who works in the cardiac cath lab and is only home on some weekends,the rest of the time I’m on emergency call for patients with heart attacks). Work life is stressful, then home life is stressful. I try talking to him about home and personal problems that have been getting worse, but he either blows it all off, and insists I’m yelling, being mean, and trying to make him mad. We are both active Christians, but don’t seem to be doing well when under stress.

By: b

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 16:41:30 +0000

I agree very much, I have been married for 20+ years to the same guy and I’m here to say that yes, I thought some things would change. They may seem like little things, but later down the matrimonial road they are / can be boulders! Be realistic in choosing but ALWAYS choose a Godly Man (I Did).