Comments on: Attention = Desire Disorder (Part 2) http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/ Improving Marriages, One Laugh at a Time Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:53:40 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Susannah http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2534 Susannah Tue, 06 Apr 2010 05:06:00 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2534 I agree with Anon. Like Mark says, some people don't say a lot (or don't do a lot) because they don't feel safe. Your husband may be the type who is easily discouraged. If he is putting forth even a little effort, encourage him! Say, "I like that," or "that feels so good... just a little higher," or something equally encouraging and appropriate. Text him back enthusiastically, tell him some of the things you would like to do, and when your hormones kick in, reward him abundantly! Applaud his small efforts if you want to see him making great efforts. This is my advice on "How to Train a Man". ;) I agree with Anon. Like Mark says, some people don’t say a lot (or don’t do a lot) because they don’t feel safe. Your husband may be the type who is easily discouraged. If he is putting forth even a little effort, encourage him! Say, “I like that,” or “that feels so good… just a little higher,” or something equally encouraging and appropriate. Text him back enthusiastically, tell him some of the things you would like to do, and when your hormones kick in, reward him abundantly! Applaud his small efforts if you want to see him making great efforts.
This is my advice on “How to Train a Man”. ;)

]]> By: Susannah http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2533 Susannah Tue, 06 Apr 2010 04:49:26 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2533 Have you tried talking to her about it? Many years ago, when my husband confessed his infidelity, he followed it up for a long time with being very sweet, doing all the right things. But it was never enough. I realize now I needed to talk about it-- I needed him to tell me again and again that those other women didn't matter. He got tired of giving and became bitter and difficult, and our marriage almost completely fell apart. But we worked on it, and did the Love Dare, and by God's grace, things are much better now. But I still would like to talk things out more. I've heard that to a woman an issue is never resolved until it has been thoroughly discussed, and I feel that is pretty true. I have to thoroughly talk it out with God if no one else. Praying for you... Have you tried talking to her about it? Many years ago, when my husband confessed his infidelity, he followed it up for a long time with being very sweet, doing all the right things. But it was never enough. I realize now I needed to talk about it– I needed him to tell me again and again that those other women didn’t matter. He got tired of giving and became bitter and difficult, and our marriage almost completely fell apart. But we worked on it, and did the Love Dare, and by God’s grace, things are much better now. But I still would like to talk things out more. I’ve heard that to a woman an issue is never resolved until it has been thoroughly discussed, and I feel that is pretty true. I have to thoroughly talk it out with God if no one else. Praying for you…

]]> By: Susannah http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2532 Susannah Tue, 06 Apr 2010 04:38:11 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2532 Wow. You need to listen closer to what Mark is saying. All husbands snore. And maybe he has turned to drink to cover up his pain. It seems that perhaps you are listening to the devil's lies, telling you that your husband is a bad person and not worthy of you. Resist the devil, and make him flee. Read God's Word and fill your heart and mind with His promises. I have been there, thinking my husband was the worst-- but God showed me that he was like Jacob, who seemed to be such a trickster and a scoundrel, but he became a "prince with God." Our marriage has been in the pits more than once, but God reached down and lifted us out, and He can do the same for you. Look UP, and believe in Him. Wow. You need to listen closer to what Mark is saying. All husbands snore. And maybe he has turned to drink to cover up his pain. It seems that perhaps you are listening to the devil’s lies, telling you that your husband is a bad person and not worthy of you. Resist the devil, and make him flee. Read God’s Word and fill your heart and mind with His promises. I have been there, thinking my husband was the worst– but God showed me that he was like Jacob, who seemed to be such a trickster and a scoundrel, but he became a “prince with God.” Our marriage has been in the pits more than once, but God reached down and lifted us out, and He can do the same for you. Look UP, and believe in Him.

]]> By: Chris http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2528 Chris Mon, 05 Apr 2010 21:08:29 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2528 Good point. My wife and I have been going through this for 13 years and we've only been married for 14 years. But my question is...how long do I meet my wife's needs before she begins to meet mine? I told my wife that I want to draw a picture of a thermometer and she can "shade in" the thermometer until it reaches the very top...then I would know she is ready and I don't have to worry about being "rejected"...she would be ready mentally and participate...will that work? No guessing! Good point. My wife and I have been going through this for 13 years and we’ve only been married for 14 years. But my question is…how long do I meet my wife’s needs before she begins to meet mine? I told my wife that I want to draw a picture of a thermometer and she can “shade in” the thermometer until it reaches the very top…then I would know she is ready and I don’t have to worry about being “rejected”…she would be ready mentally and participate…will that work? No guessing!

]]> By: Anon http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2220 Anon Wed, 10 Mar 2010 22:38:49 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2220 So you're going to totally starve his desires and expect that this will magically make him full on passionate to be emotionally connected to you? let me know how that works out for you >.> "If I can only destroy him and all of his selfish desires, then he can finally give me what I want" If it doesn't end up working out, you might want to try re-reading this article (if you even read thru it the first time). And going through the Laugh Your Way seminar is a big help too Sorry don't mean to come off harsh, but everything you put in your post was like every bad example described in the article Lol So you’re going to totally starve his desires and expect that this will magically make him full on passionate to be emotionally connected to you? let me know how that works out for you >.>

“If I can only destroy him and all of his selfish desires, then he can finally give me what I want”

If it doesn’t end up working out, you might want to try re-reading this article (if you even read thru it the first time). And going through the Laugh Your Way seminar is a big help too

Sorry don’t mean to come off harsh, but everything you put in your post was like every bad example described in the article Lol

]]> By: TS http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2178 TS Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:12:28 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2178 I wanted to note that my husband is very attentive in bed... that's not the issue. He knows that my love language is QUALITY TIME and physical touch. Since quality time is his lowest score, he struggles to comprehend what this really means and while he could go seeing me a couple hours a week... I need to be doing something together that focuses on us a a couple frequently. Lastly, coming home and shutting out your spouse because he is stressed from his job doesn't cut it... if a guy has time to watch t.v. for hours, then he has time to figure out something romantic to do with his wife! I wanted to note that my husband is very attentive in bed… that’s not the issue. He knows that my love language is QUALITY TIME and physical touch. Since quality time is his lowest score, he struggles to comprehend what this really means and while he could go seeing me a couple hours a week… I need to be doing something together that focuses on us a a couple frequently. Lastly, coming home and shutting out your spouse because he is stressed from his job doesn’t cut it… if a guy has time to watch t.v. for hours, then he has time to figure out something romantic to do with his wife!

]]> By: TS http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2177 TS Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:00:05 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2177 I used Mark's Killing the Spider technique... it hasn't paid off yet. I made the request "I'd like to be romanced, pursued... until you do this I don't want to have sex". We've been married 8 yrs and have 4 children between us. I ensured my husband understood that this time... he's actually going to have to put out some effort. While he has called me during the day a few times, sent me a couple of text message, I haven't seen any dates or real effort towards romance... I do not consider showing up naked in bed as being romanced. He has made an effort to spend a little time with me... he's been working late and comes home when I'm going to sleep, in the past he would just hang on he couch and sleep here... now he's waiting until I fall asleep at least some of the time before he heads out to the couch. I think he is just waiting for me to wear down when my hormones kick in show some interests in sex and then go back to ignoring me until the next month. I'm determined this time to ignore my own physical desires until he meets my emotional desires. He says he doesn't know how to be romantic or date but our church just offered 3 free books on the topic (which he didn't get any of them) and I showed him the emails he sent me when we were dating that were often romantic and touching... being data driven I proved to him that he does know how, he just doesn't want to put the effort out. I used Mark’s Killing the Spider technique… it hasn’t paid off yet. I made the request “I’d like to be romanced, pursued… until you do this I don’t want to have sex”. We’ve been married 8 yrs and have 4 children between us. I ensured my husband understood that this time… he’s actually going to have to put out some effort. While he has called me during the day a few times, sent me a couple of text message, I haven’t seen any dates or real effort towards romance… I do not consider showing up naked in bed as being romanced. He has made an effort to spend a little time with me… he’s been working late and comes home when I’m going to sleep, in the past he would just hang on he couch and sleep here… now he’s waiting until I fall asleep at least some of the time before he heads out to the couch. I think he is just waiting for me to wear down when my hormones kick in show some interests in sex and then go back to ignoring me until the next month. I’m determined this time to ignore my own physical desires until he meets my emotional desires. He says he doesn’t know how to be romantic or date but our church just offered 3 free books on the topic (which he didn’t get any of them) and I showed him the emails he sent me when we were dating that were often romantic and touching… being data driven I proved to him that he does know how, he just doesn’t want to put the effort out.

]]> By: Nick http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2175 Nick Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:11:46 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2175 I love Marc's common sense approach to husband/wife relationships. Men and women are different and have different needs just as each individual is different. Men seem to have many of the same needs and as he was saying the more I have close contact(touch) with my wife the more I want to make love. Many times when I am aroused early in the am she wants more sleep. I am finally at an age that I can understand this and not get too frustrated and I realize she still loves me.... just not NOW. I have no need for gifts, but my wife loves when I get her a small gift as it shows her I am thinking of her when she is not around me. This is hard for me since I HATE SHOPPING!!! But it is an effort I have to make. Now if she could just walk up to me and tell me how smart and handsome I am and about all the great decisions I make each day. I love Marc’s common sense approach to husband/wife relationships. Men and women are different and have different needs just as each individual is different. Men seem to have many of the same needs and as he was saying the more I have close contact(touch) with my wife the more I want to make love. Many times when I am aroused early in the am she wants more sleep. I am finally at an age that I can understand this and not get too frustrated and I realize she still loves me…. just not NOW. I have no need for gifts, but my wife loves when I get her a small gift as it shows her I am thinking of her when she is not around me. This is hard for me since I HATE SHOPPING!!! But it is an effort I have to make. Now if she could just walk up to me and tell me how smart and handsome I am and about all the great decisions I make each day.

]]> By: Mart http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2172 Mart Fri, 05 Mar 2010 10:56:51 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2172 Does she specifically say how she wants to be loved? I empathise with you. My husband does give me the attention I need and so I make an effort to be available to him even when I don't feel like it. Having laid out all your frustrations and her giving her feedback and when the situation still remains the same, I guess all that is left is prayer. Does she specifically say how she wants to be loved? I empathise with you. My husband does give me the attention I need and so I make an effort to be available to him even when I don’t feel like it. Having laid out all your frustrations and her giving her feedback and when the situation still remains the same, I guess all that is left is prayer.

]]> By: Mart http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/attention-desire-disorder-part2/comment-page-1/#comment-2171 Mart Fri, 05 Mar 2010 10:49:51 +0000 http://www.laughyourway.com/?p=613#comment-2171 I have the same sentiments as Laurie. I believe my memory serves me well, Mark once said that he is a advocate of separation and not divorce. Separation will bring in some reality, hopefully for the better. Once someone takes something for granted, it needs to be taken away. You never know how valuable something/someone is until you lose them. Your husband needs to see that and I commend you Sarah for your strength to hang on this far. I have the same sentiments as Laurie. I believe my memory serves me well, Mark once said that he is a advocate of separation and not divorce. Separation will bring in some reality, hopefully for the better. Once someone takes something for granted, it needs to be taken away. You never know how valuable something/someone is until you lose them. Your husband needs to see that and I commend you Sarah for your strength to hang on this far.

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